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Old 12-23-2011, 09:44 PM   #1
Winter Sky
green is fine.
 
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Jamais Vu

C4C, as always.

I am sorry that the best I could do
was watch nervously as you
fought sorrow with shame and nicotine,
but I could not calm my nerves to intervene.

I tried to speak honestly,
but my meanings were lost in tautologies.
Afraid of rejection and age,
I was crippling you. It was time to part ways.

It was then
that your heart betrayed you,
and my fears became the truth,
but I'll hold on
to the city we share
and the weight I still struggle to bear.

It would weigh the same
by yours or any other name.
It would have ended the same way.
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Old 12-24-2011, 03:46 PM   #2
vintage x metal
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I can almost feel your poem crawling at the rhyme scheme, trying to escape. There's a lot of potential here and I think if you took an extra day to ruminate on some words and sounds that you enjoy together with your content in mind you could come out with a much stronger piece
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Old 12-24-2011, 06:44 PM   #3
Winter Sky
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rd93: I'll look back over the exact definition of tautologies, but it made sense to me in a vague sort of way when I wrote it. Thanks, man.

vintage x metal: I should have specified that this is a song rather than a poem, but your advice is valid and useful nonetheless. I'm considering the idea of loosening the rhyme scheme a bit and allowing myself to break a few rhymes for the sake of word choice because, as you pointed out, the rhyming restricted me somewhat.

Thank you both for taking the time to read and critique. I wish you both a merry whatever-holiday-you-celebrate.
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