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Old 02-05-2012, 03:56 PM   #1
do I "urk" you?
AngryGoldfish's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Ireland
A New Release of Objectivity

He holds his heart in his hands as he stands on the burning red carpet,
an August heat beating down on the release that's hitting the streets.
The children cry for a taste, tussling for a touch of the thumping flesh,
but it's high above his head and the leer of his face bares bright objectivity.

I sweep the criticisms underneath the rug of my cabbage patch,
for they help fertilize the intellect just as the tabloids help fertilize the ignorance.
They say he lacks heart, that his soul is disconnected at its joints and nerves,
but his heart is close to hand where the drop needs no safety net.

The opening night turned out to be a blast with fans walking away invigorated.
I would have killed for a front-seat reservation, but I'll be patient.
I'll have him visit me and perform it in person, the author and director.
He's a friend I aspire to, this neutral form that was slowly fashioned from pain.

I'll break out my mother's old typewriter and piece together a sequel for him,
for it's a dream of mine to have the film-maker who inspired my thoughts
to (re)produce them and turn them back into what originally inspired me.
It's a bike ride around the block of a perfect day and a perfect memory.
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Old 02-05-2012, 08:26 PM   #2
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Reading this softly outloud with the right accents on the alliteration is really satisfying. The rhythm, and word choice matches the emotion you want the reader to be able to invoke- the yearning aspiration, love, and devotion that can not be peeled away.

With that said, I did not like the word choice within these two lines

"The opening night turned out to be a blast with fans walking away invigorated.
I would have killed for a front-seat reservation, but I'll be patient."

For some reason, I guess I just would have enjoyed those thoughts if they were placed into a more poetic form. But thats just me. However, I do believe I see your purpose in the simplicity of the phrases; to demonstrate the character's youthfullness that seems to poke through at some points including, but not limited to, the final line in the piece.

Good work. I am sorry for the delayed return on the critique, A.G. Take care,

Originally Posted by ottoavist
i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
freshtunes is offline   Reply With Quote

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