Cyclones41

Stars are the only things that make me painfully aware that not everything is within my reach. You see, I grew up in America and they taught me I could do anything I wanted; they taught me that if I just stretched out my pasty white arm I could grab hold of any dream I wished for--unless what I wished for were the stars.

I lean on the rail of the pedestrian bridge and crane my neck at the midnight skyline. There are stars and then there are lights from the many tall buildings that mock them. I want to reach up, pull them all down, and sear them into the skin that overlaps my heart.

But then, you've already done that, haven't you?

I look to my right and there you are--a trail of stars running down your neck and across your chest. It's so beautiful, the combination of your skin and those stars, that I can't tell which is you and which is the sky. All I know is they're taunting my fingertips, but I can't reach out to touch them because my fingertips have been known to taunt my lips and my lips are likely to act in uncontrollable ways, and we couldn't have that, could we?

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themarsvolta

Thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. I really liked the build up in this piece. The ending stanza was great. Nice use of imagery. I liked that it wasn't too flowery; just the right amount of details to paint a picture. Anyways, it was great reading one of your pieces again. Keep it up.

kdownes

all up, i like it, especially the first two stanzas. i felt the imagery and metaphors got too obvious and preachy in the last stanza though. i get it, the stars are a metaphor for love, i picked up on that at the beginning, and i just feel the third stanza is banging on the point a little much. it's a minor annoyance and more of a nitpick, really, because overall i enjoyed the sentiment. i too am often annoyed by the whole 'you can be anything you want to be, have anything you want to have' sentiment and the pain it can cause in rejection.

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Cyclones41

Thanks for the critiques, you two. This is actually written describing a brief moment of my life that happened this past weekend. I'm glad that the way it was written can speak to others, at least a little bit. The reason the last stanza is as blunt as it is, is because the girl whom this is about literally has a tattooed strand of stars down her neck and across her chest, and those stars do something to me that I can't really explain well.

Kyle, I've read your most recent like, four times. And I will get to critiquing it eventually, but right now I still just don't have the words I need to say for it, haha. Thanks again, you two!

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On the Shores
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kdownes

Well, it all sounds so simple when you put it that way. By the way, it seems you know my name, which implies I should know yours, so if I did once I apologise for not knowing it any more

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Cyclones41

Haha, it's all good. I've just picked it up over the years from others; not sure we've ever formally introduced. Name's Brett.

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Newest:

On the Shores
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Indiana
Dirty People
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ninja monkey

This piece seems to have genuine honesty tied in all around it.
A very nitpicky comment lies around how you "stand on the rail" of the bridge. I'm under the impression that you're on the hand/guard rail which seems rather impractical. It's silly to think that this individual is right next to you standing on the rail rather than down on the walkway.
Regardless, the ending shows how flustered, or rather, frustrated you are with the current situation. It's honest.

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kindadumb

"Stand by the rail" seems to get the job done without changing the sound of the sentence.

Cyclones41

TED! Is that you man?! I haven't seen you on here in forever.

And you two are right, stand by the rail or something of the sort would probably work better.

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Newest:

On the Shores
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Indiana
Dirty People
A Letter Home
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kindadumb

"Lean on the rail," "gaze at the rail," "p*** on the rail," "swear profusely upon the rail" - it's a world of limitless options.

seventh_angel

Let me start by saying that I like your style. A while ago I commented on a piece you wrote called Hopeless, which was one of my favorite pieces that I've read lately.

Now, I liked this piece, but I feel it kind of drags too much over a simple thought. I really liked the last sentence; it's really really good. What I didn't like was the constant repetition of stars, and that made it drag even more.

It's probably your weakest piece from the last four or five you've posted, which doesn't make it bad. Just keep that style of yours; you're good at it, and I like reading from you.

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