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Old 08-23-2012, 04:56 PM   #1
Cyclones41
this too shall pass
 
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Des Moines
Dirty People

Today, the pavement patted my feet for the first time in years
and I welcomed the warmth on my skin with a stream of tears. Because,
you see, I have been keepin’ at least a layer between the world and me. I’ve been
keepin’ a layer between what I know and what I’ve yet to see because
I’ve already seen so much that I never asked for and I’ve felt
Fingertips and lips
That I’d like to forget.
But I can’t forget.
And one night a woman walked up to me—her clothes askew and
Her hair a bit unsettled.
I knew right away what the signs meant, but I ducked my head for fear
Of her circumstance hittin’ a little too close to my heart.
“Excuse me!” she cried. “Can I tell you a story? Can I tell you MY story?”
I did anything I could to avoid her eyes but I caught her head move from
my face to my feet
“Ah, never mind, you wouldn’t understand.” She concluded and I am unsure
if it was the way I wore my clothing or my clean shoes that taught her to stay
at a distance, but what I am sure of,
is that I have never wanted to be more naked in my life.
I have never wanted to strip myself of the fabric that keeps me from
Feeling all the feelin’s that are bound to be surroundin’ me like I did then.
I have never wanted to take a look at my past and melt it with another,
but this woman, this woman I would have once called “other” and now see as sister
wrote me off.
She looked at the way I carried myself, and the way I delivered myself
to the world around me and decided that I must be one of those “clean” people
People that don’t know what it’s like to feel an unwanted touch
or a depressing summer
or the loss of love.
And so today, I walk the street with no shoes on my feet.
I try my very best to keep my skin bare to the world around me,
to those, around me, because I never want to be
so mistaken again.
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A Letter Home
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Old 08-23-2012, 05:03 PM   #2
Madzää
Failing at n00b language
 
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that was quite the incredible piece, I enjoyed all of it! I loved the brilliant way you worded the climax here. There´s something so subtle about the wording which just evokes pictures in the readers mind, not only in the end, but throughout the piece. I´ll definitely check out more of your stuff now, that got me hooked!
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Old 08-23-2012, 06:51 PM   #3
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
 
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I really liked this. Especially loved the ending. The only thing I need to ask you is, why "feelin's" and "surroundin'" ? You only use it on that specific sentence and I don't understand why (I don't like it either). Except that, lovely piece Brett.
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Old 08-23-2012, 06:59 PM   #4
Cyclones41
this too shall pass
 
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Des Moines
Thanks you two! Andre--firstly, I was SOOOO hoping that this would be the piece to get you to say you liked me again, lol. Secondly, it's actually in other parts as well (see the beginning--keepin', hittin') But I'm not sure that I'll keep it that way. The feelin's and surroundin's stuck out too much, huh? Also, I'll critique your next one, Andre, as Kyle said everything I thought on your latest. Anyway, thanks again you guys. And Madzaa, I've read your latest, and when I have a bit more time, I'll crit it. So expect one back.
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Dirty People
A Letter Home
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Old 08-23-2012, 07:05 PM   #5
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
 
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Hahaha, I never disliked you in the first place, so have that comfort

Joking aside, yeah, I didn't notice that in the beginning. I think what stuck really out was "feelin's".
But yes, it was nice to read from you!
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