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Old 09-12-2012, 07:35 PM   #1
Factor13x
Use Your Imagination
 
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Marion, Indiana
Our Last Dance

Ok so I really want to know what people think of my writing. Please tell me your thoughts and check out some of my other pieces in my sig and let me know what you guys think.

Our Last Dance
as i wrap my hands around you
wishing for so much more
i know i cannot take it
i know i cannot take it
cause you're gone

why don't you see me
why don't you see me
im standing right here
im standing right here

as your heart bleeds tonight
and don't forget well win this fight
the pain will go away
but still your blood drains
am I dreaming
am I dreaming

as you put the gun to your head
saying that you wish you were dead
was it because of something i said
please Erin don't go cause take me instead

im standing here

as your heart bleeds tonight
and don't forget well win this fight
the pain will go away
but still your blood drains
am I screaming
am I screaming

as i hold your lifeless corpse
my tears begin to mix with yours
why did you choose to end it all
now your blood stains the fall

as your heart bleeds tonight
don't forget that you're silence haunts me

if only I had known that this would be our last dance
my last chance to say goodbye
I would've done things different
I would've actually tried
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Lyrics:
To The Grave
The Marionette
Our Last Dance
DaVinci Would Be Jealous
An Angel No More

Gear:
Jackson DKXT Dinky
Silver Star Semi-Hollow Body
Peavey Vypyr 30w, 1 x 12 Combo Amp
Korg Nanopad
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Old 09-12-2012, 07:56 PM   #2
mojomike
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Location: Canada
Hopefully I get this in before this thread is shut down (read my response to you regarding forum rules). You're writing isn't bad. It's a little simplistic in terms of the rhymes (ie. 'head','dead','said', 'instead' - 'all', 'fall' etc...) which can make it sound kind of forced at times but it's a start. Try to stay away from cliche lines like "wish you were dead" because it makes it sound kind of amateurish. That's something that I still catch myself doing every once in a while. The imagery is ok but again it kind of seems like a stereotypical angsty- metal/emo song. Nothing special. But keep at it and you'll keep getting better.
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Lyrics:
Letter to Laura
Untitled
If I was Robert Smith
For You

my attempt at free-verse:
So There It Is
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Old 09-12-2012, 08:04 PM   #3
Factor13x
Use Your Imagination
 
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Marion, Indiana
yea this one was more i was bored so i wrote a song but i feel like my other one, to the grave, is a lot better then this one. personally, i feel like that ones the best ive written. honestly, a lot of my songs are simplistic just because i mostly write stuff for hardcore so the majority of it is screamed. but, yea, totally agree with you.
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Lyrics:
To The Grave
The Marionette
Our Last Dance
DaVinci Would Be Jealous
An Angel No More

Gear:
Jackson DKXT Dinky
Silver Star Semi-Hollow Body
Peavey Vypyr 30w, 1 x 12 Combo Amp
Korg Nanopad
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Old 09-13-2012, 12:51 AM   #4
saladforkspear
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Location: a place in a little town, the only way to get there is to go straight down
well i'll agree that this is angsty but i don't think the simplicity of your rhymes is bad, you say good words in between every [do they call them pairs? o.o] whatever.. it seems like it'd fit if you're screaming it at people :P and at least it has a plot, there's a lot of emo songs that could benefit from one of those
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Old 09-13-2012, 09:07 AM   #5
Factor13x
Use Your Imagination
 
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Marion, Indiana
Quote:
Originally Posted by saladforkspear
well i'll agree that this is angsty but i don't think the simplicity of your rhymes is bad, you say good words in between every [do they call them pairs? o.o] whatever.. it seems like it'd fit if you're screaming it at people :P and at least it has a plot, there's a lot of emo songs that could benefit from one of those


true that lol so many of them are just whiny crap that has no purpose
__________________
Lyrics:
To The Grave
The Marionette
Our Last Dance
DaVinci Would Be Jealous
An Angel No More

Gear:
Jackson DKXT Dinky
Silver Star Semi-Hollow Body
Peavey Vypyr 30w, 1 x 12 Combo Amp
Korg Nanopad
Factor13x is offline   Reply With Quote
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