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Old 09-24-2012, 09:59 PM   #2161
Horsedick.MPEG
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazyedd123
I was actually pointing out the spelling error which read 'Orange Hate'.
But it was a lame observation for stale humour.

Also, was the hat really orange, or were you so high that you thought it was?


Just look in the picture I just posted. He's real.

Plus, I wasn't high until after I bought the Mugatu Rainbow Kush from him.
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Jesus, Horsedick, you are my hero

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don't worry guys his girlfriend is black, she said it was okay for him to say that.



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Old 09-25-2012, 06:40 AM   #2162
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my story is a bit true too. there are twins that look the exact same and i can't tell them apart and they are 7/10s
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Old 09-25-2012, 11:25 AM   #2163
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Horsedick.MPEG, that last story was pure gold! bravo for the nigga with the orange hat!
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Old 09-25-2012, 08:48 PM   #2164
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EDIT #2: I'm coming under fire here. TL;DR at the end of the story and it is not horney

So, my school has 6 wings, named 100, 200, and so on. Hope that clears some things up.

Without further ado, let's blast off right into drama class, right smack in the 400 wing. Holy shit, what a boring class. I will never take it again. Ice breakers for the majority of a class, a monotone teacher, and a shitty student protest because they want to do something for once.

A typical class at drama was like explosive diarrhea. Chaotic, 20 minutes of wiping your ass, and sometimes unclogging the toilet.

Speaking of big shits, I'm going to complain more about drama class.

One day we had a substitute teacher, and it must have been the worst day ever. We played the same games we play every day, and then we went to write some notes, because that's how classes usually go. We warm up for notes. It's anti-climatic, just like sticking butter up your ass, feeling the sensation, and forgetting about it.

So at one point in class I was done of all my work and I really needed to shit and piss at the same time. I asked the teacher if I could go and I went.

I was in a bit of a dilemma. The nearest bathroom was the tard bathroom. If I didn't want to use that, I would have to go all the way downstairs.

Since I'm a lazy motha****a, I chose to go to the tard bathroom. How different would it have to be from the regular bathrooms?

----------------

There were six stalls, 4 urinals. Two less stalls than the regular bathrooms. There were some big holes in the floor, where it appears something was taken out of it.

I cracked open the door of the first one. No toilet paper. The next 3, the same thing. The fifth stall had a toilet booster seat on it, the kind that babies use when they are being pottytrained.

The sixth stall was the worst. Snot all over the walls, and that scary door that must be in every bathroom; it's probably a closet that holds all the cleaning supplies. I pondered for a minute, but chose the last stall. I really needed to go.

Luckily for me, it was relieving to go. There was no mess at all, and the toilet paper was a different brand.

But then I heard a familiar noise. The sound of an agitated tard.

"AHYIYIYIYIYI!" He repeated. It got closer and closer. I knew what was coming.

I got up and tried to open the closet door. It was locked, obviously. This wasn't like one of those game puzzles where you have to go down a few corridors, defeat a few enemies, and come back to a door with a key.

This is the kind of video game that Cracked would write about, one too brutal to ever come out. It would be one where you spent so many hours on, accumulated every awesome item in the game, be level 3000, and have a stacked party. All the cards seem to be in your favor for the final boss, right?

You head toward the final boss, and walk into the wrong corridor. You are now trapped there. You see a door behind you, but no key. You frantically look for the key in the small space you have, but to no avail. You are stuck until the final boss finds you and kills you in the worst way possible.

That was the situation I was in. I thought about what could happen, until I heard the door slam open.

"AYAIAIAIAIAIAIIA!" he yelled. Boy, he wanted something.

He kicked open every door, and couldn't recognize his own toilet. I pulled up my pants and he heard me in his stall. He went beserk and started running into the door. He stopped for a second and I heard pants going down.

*POP*

Explosive diarrhea. I knew it all along.

"AYAIAIAIAI!" He screamed with triumph.

Then he started running into the door again. I saw one hinge pop, and my mind spun around. I didn't know what I was going to do.

Then I remembered. Stalls have the little space under them!

I knew what I was going to have to do to not face the wrath of this insane tard. I went under the first stall. It was a long way to go.

The door to the previous stall came down with a bang. I knew if I wasn't out of there in 30 seconds I was going to get in trouble.

I made a run for it. Well, more like a fast crawl.

The tard picked up his shit and started piling it in the toilet, and he finally noticed me. "AYAIAIAI!" He yelled his battle cry. I heard a sound I hear almost every night to myself after that.

Fap.

The next stall held a teen masturbator. Man, did he think he was smart. "Hey look, I'll go in the tard washrooms to feed my pointless addictions and I won't get caught because no one goes in there." Now he's having the worst masturbating experience of his life. Maybe if he was Horsedick.MPEG it would be his best.

The ****** responded to fapping as well.

"AYAIAIAIAI!"

I heard the heels clicking down the hall and I knew I was probably going to die in the next moment or so. I had nowhere to go, a fapper in the next stall and a tard on the premises. I was going to have to do it.

I made a run for it. I blew open the stall door and started windsprinting to the door. The tard called his battle cry and started flinging shit at me as I opened the door. I opened the door, and there was one of the math teachers, looking at me in awe. She was wearing heels.

Her whole math class turned around looked at me like I lost my virginity in high school or something. I looked at them too, wondering why they were looking at me weird.

-----------------------

I slowly went back to drama class and told everyone at my table what happened immediately. The hottest girl at my table asked me on a date after school. She said I was her hero.

Everyone else at the table just laughed at me like I wasn't going to die or anything.

Taking risks pays off, but you might almost die taking them.

As for the date, you probably know what happened.

EDIT: okay you know what this isn't horney

TL;DR get locked in bathroom, almost die.
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Last edited by yoman297 : 09-26-2012 at 11:20 AM.
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Old 09-26-2012, 07:12 AM   #2165
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^ That is a horrible story man!!! And if that's sexual to you........ damn.........
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Old 10-12-2012, 08:56 PM   #2166
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Old 10-12-2012, 08:57 PM   #2167
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nitrate
Bump


Don't bump if you don't have at least a story to add....
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Old 10-12-2012, 09:10 PM   #2168
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I'm disappointed, I was expecting some good stories
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jetfuel495
Jesus, Horsedick, you are my hero

Quote:
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don't worry guys his girlfriend is black, she said it was okay for him to say that.



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Old 10-13-2012, 12:32 AM   #2169
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One time, I put my Wee Wee in this girls mouth and funny stuff came out of it and she
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Old 11-10-2012, 11:49 PM   #2170
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One night I came stumbling back to my dorm after a good night of drinking. It was a great party, we had a kiddy pool filled with tequila, everclear, and powdered lemonade drink. It tasted like your average cheep ass lemonade except would knock you off your feet.

Anyway

After somehow making it back to my dorm after heavily drinking that shit and barely able to walk my way back, I staggered into my dorm and crashed on my bed. I noticed my roommate was gone to ref another soccer tournament and wasn't going to be back til the next evening, so I decided to beat my meat before I passed out. I pulled my pants down to my feet and went to town. I woke up to my roommate unlocking the door.

I wasn't thinking anything of this until I realized that I'm lying on my back on top of my covers and with my dried cum crusted hand wrapped around my cock and I'm lying on top of my covers. He just shook his head and went to go get lunch.

I need to make sure I whack off under the covers next time.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jetfuel495
Jesus, Horsedick, you are my hero

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don't worry guys his girlfriend is black, she said it was okay for him to say that.



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Old 11-11-2012, 10:21 PM   #2171
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When I was 15 I came home from school and hung out in the front room of my house. I was feeling pretty horny and decided to watch some porn on the family computer. So here I was pants around the ankles and tissues by my side, when all of a sudden I hear a key in the front door. Well if you opened the front door you would have a clear view of my sitting there with my cock in my hand. I can guarantee all of you that my face turned Wayne Brady white and then my cat reflexes took over, sort of. I turned the computer off with one hand and the box of tissues with my other hand and I could have sworn I was home free to my room, except for one thing: my pants were still around my ankles.

I was tripped on my pants and landed dick first into the carpet. I'm pretty sure I passed out for a few seconds and that was all it took for my mom to walk into the house and seeing me lying in the hallway with my bare ass up with my pants around my anlkes. I woke up laying on my stomach and turned my head to look back down the hallway, and all I see is my mom with her hands on her hips shaking her head.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jetfuel495
Jesus, Horsedick, you are my hero

Quote:
Originally Posted by JayT44
don't worry guys his girlfriend is black, she said it was okay for him to say that.



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Old 11-12-2012, 09:56 AM   #2172
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Well, when I was 13, there was a field trip at the school I was in, and it was at a bowling alley, some end-of-the-year shit. My girlfriend at the time was a known major whore, allegedly she blew the entire football team, every division. But it was all cool, she had a body to die for. So I was like 'what could go wrong?' Well, I'll tell you what went wrong.

On the way back to the school, I borrowed a friend's phone and was texting her, and somehow sex came up. She suggested we do something during the basketball game that was at the school when we returned, and we waited for the opportune moment. Strike number 1: there was an old hag bitch standing at the door to the gymnasium, and she kept track of people that left and entered, I'm guessing so that something like this wouldn't happen. Well, that didn't work, obviously. I left first and waited for my ho, and she came out of the double doors shortly after I did, and we just fucking left, in full view of that weird lady. So anyways, we looked for a good place to have happy fun times, and we finally decided on the mens' room by my English teacher. In hindsight, I'm glad we didn't pick the ladies' room, I've since discovered that women aren't even close to as clean and sanitary as I once imagined. But anyways, I locked the door and things go hot and we were both ready, but then she looked up at me.

"The floors are unsanitary."

I stood there for a second and was just completely dumbfounded. Of all the things.. So I told her, "I'll just lay my jacket on the floor," and that was completely ace with her, which amazed me, because she was willing to just take her pants off and let her bare ass be on the tile floor. Well, things turned out pretty well for it being my first time. I lasted more than 20 seconds, and she actually reacted, which was a plus. But I just kept going and going, and then eventually we just laid there like dumbasses, and I wasn't quite sure what I should do. So I waited for a bit, and then the door rattled. I said, word-for-word, 'Shit,' and stood up, walking over to one of those urinal stall things, trying to get my junk into my pants, leaving her sort of dazed and looking around, still mostly naked and legs spread. Then, shit hit the fan. It was the dean at the door, along with two janitors, three teachers, and a bunch of kids. He unlocked the door and peered in, and saw her, and all I heard was, 'Oh good god almighty,' and for some reason, I giggled like a ******, but I don't think anyone heard me. Anyways, by this time I was fully dressed, and the dean was in, telling my girlfriend to get up and get dressed. He proceeded to walk us out, and for some reason, my girlfriend goes,

'Could you please not tell my parents?'

The dean laughed and so did I, and he said, 'Sorry, but you're getting expelled,' and then I stopped laughing.

Well, what ensued afterwards was a shitstorm, but that's about it for awkwardness. Apparently, someone saw the texts in my friend's cell, and decided to tell every teacher she could find about it, but none of them believed her except for my 'roided out gym teacher. Although for some reason, everyone at that school idolised me after that, and to this day, random people that I don't recognize will say, 'Hey, how's it going, man?' But I am forever scarred because of that event, and will never bang another ho in a school bathroom.
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Quote:
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You're the biggest dick we've had in the Pit for a while.
Quote:
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Stop talking, you have are the biggest dick the pit has seen in a while.

Last edited by StillSublime : 11-12-2012 at 09:58 AM.
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Old 11-12-2012, 10:02 AM   #2173
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Story


I...
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Old 11-12-2012, 10:16 AM   #2174
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Originally Posted by Telecaster7
I...

You..
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UG's King Neptune

Quote:
Originally Posted by AtaBorMan
You're the biggest dick we've had in the Pit for a while.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SLEESTAK_BRO
Stop talking, you have are the biggest dick the pit has seen in a while.
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Old 11-12-2012, 10:17 AM   #2175
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Wow that was the best story ever.
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I'm not artsy at all. At least not in the visual sense.

But, I did just eat some pizza so I am quite fartsy




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Dude i like rap and stuff. Im a furry and I also have a wolf plush with a hole that i use at times.


Only at times, though.
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Old 11-12-2012, 10:18 AM   #2176
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Quote:
Originally Posted by H4T3BR33D3R
Wow that was the best story ever.

Was it really? I'm being totally serious about it, too. True story.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AtaBorMan
You're the biggest dick we've had in the Pit for a while.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SLEESTAK_BRO
Stop talking, you have are the biggest dick the pit has seen in a while.
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Old 11-12-2012, 10:20 AM   #2177
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StillSublime
Was it really? I'm being totally serious about it, too. True story.


Seriously. That was the funniest thing I've read in a while. I can't believe it's actually genuine too
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eGraham
I'm not artsy at all. At least not in the visual sense.

But, I did just eat some pizza so I am quite fartsy




Quote:
Originally Posted by Axelfox
Dude i like rap and stuff. Im a furry and I also have a wolf plush with a hole that i use at times.


Only at times, though.
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Old 11-12-2012, 10:23 AM   #2178
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Originally Posted by H4T3BR33D3R
Seriously. That was the funniest thing I've read in a while. I can't believe it's actually genuine too

I want that to be a good thing, but sadly, I can't put a positive spin on it.
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UG's King Neptune

Quote:
Originally Posted by AtaBorMan
You're the biggest dick we've had in the Pit for a while.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SLEESTAK_BRO
Stop talking, you have are the biggest dick the pit has seen in a while.
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Old 11-12-2012, 10:36 AM   #2179
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StillSublime
I want that to be a good thing, but sadly, I can't put a positive spin on it.


I don't think you have to worry. The chick looks much worse in this situation
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eGraham
I'm not artsy at all. At least not in the visual sense.

But, I did just eat some pizza so I am quite fartsy




Quote:
Originally Posted by Axelfox
Dude i like rap and stuff. Im a furry and I also have a wolf plush with a hole that i use at times.


Only at times, though.
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Old 11-12-2012, 10:47 AM   #2180
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Originally Posted by H4T3BR33D3R
I don't think you have to worry. The chick looks much worse in this situation
It doesn't even matter anymore, man, she was a ho anyways. But yeah, apparently she has a kid now, and goes to an all-girls' school. I ran into her at a JC Penny, and I don't think she recognized me. I hope it wasn't by me. The whole situation was ****ed, though
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UG's King Neptune

Quote:
Originally Posted by AtaBorMan
You're the biggest dick we've had in the Pit for a while.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SLEESTAK_BRO
Stop talking, you have are the biggest dick the pit has seen in a while.
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