|12-07-2012, 07:28 AM||#1|
the pain is easy
Join Date: May 2004
Location: idyllwild, california
i caught a pair of shopping lists
and old reciepts while fishing for
memorables amongst our shit.
they're now a write off on my taxes
that's it. a sentimental financial mess
caused by your so called "lackluster tryst".
now i feel we are poised like this.
like filed paper work, full of empty phrases
all for the wanderlust of a stray kiss.
stuck admist my forgetable notions
of love and bliss. how and who i'm expected
but i don't.
i feel cold and wasted.
i beg for you to not exist,
because weakness is just too empty to resist.
Last edited by pixiesfanyo : 12-07-2012 at 07:34 AM.
|12-07-2012, 09:46 AM||#2|
one among the Fence
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Star IV
The "ist/iss" rhyming scheme got a little tiring by the end. Thematically, it works, I guess, but I can't help but wonder if there were some better word choices. Or even mix it up with two or three different repeated rhymes. Also, I stumbled a little over the two "like"s so close together in the third stanza. Outside of that, though, I really enjoyed this. It's straightforward, no bullshit approach is something I'm a fan of, but it never comes across as uninspired. Thanks for the words on mine.