21wickwing

Stress seeped from the ceiling,
as the impassioned young man
tried to realize what he was dealing.

Nothing seemed real since he began
to have expectations through the roof
of himself, others, and the grand plan.

Everybody gave him proof.
He should be conservative.
Stop being such a risky goof.

The failure was affirmative.
Timmy Fenn should stop
because failure would be repetitive.

And his friends didn’t like a flop.
His parents ridiculed him.
But he knew, in the end, he would be on top.

So within the bounds of failure, he would swim.
Swim and swim and swim til he made it.
Nobody would stop the great Timmy Fenn.

And he smiled through his teeth with grit.
He reached for the stars over and over again.
He tried with all his might and all his wit.

And after years of pure dedication,
he achieved the great breakthrough
and finally he could sit back and grin.

The success arrived right on cue
and all the people praised Timmy Fenn,
Waiting to see what he would tell you.

Finally Timmy Fenn would go to heaven.
And the people worshipped his success.
He was the legend couples told their children.

Timmy Fenn failed so he could change the world.

__________________
Lion King has the best movie soundtrack of all time.

-C4C-
Spring
Dusk
The Story Of Tommy Jones
The Story Of Timmy Fenn

Habylab

I'm liking this, very nice!

21wickwing

Thank you! It is an offshoot of my previous poem, The Story Of Tommy Jones. This one is more personalized though. Glad you liked it!

__________________
Lion King has the best movie soundtrack of all time.

-C4C-
Spring
Dusk
The Story Of Tommy Jones
The Story Of Timmy Fenn

Something_Vague

I found it too vague (I know people give me shit for this.)

Here's the deal: you've got pronouns, referencing things that have no point of reference:

"Everyone" for instance is confusing. Who is everyone? What does that mean? Everyone? Define that in the poem and remove all of its pronouns.

You do this throughout, referencing this vague group. I have no location, setting, era, time, place, person or image.

This needs more imagery to tell a story, otherwise you're just stringing together small, simple words.

Though, the first thing I would is literally cut this to about 3/4 the size.

Tighten it up man.

make 3-4 stanzas a single line,

if you can't tell a story in a haiku, you can't tell a story in a longer former, according to roland barthes.

__________________

SilentProtest

I liked the vagueness. It could be Anyone you know or yourself being timmy fenn, and you allow the reader to put their own faces to the pronouns, instead of telling them what to think. I really like your style. I needed a read like this.

"Everybody gave him proof.
He should be conservative.
Stop being such a risky goof.

The failure was affirmative.
Timmy Fenn should stop
because failure would be repetitive."

You put words to my feelings tonight. Very insightful and helpful. Thanks! great read!

C4C?
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...60#post24544860