|12-20-2012, 12:42 AM||#1|
Join Date: Dec 2004
I don't know where I've been
|If I can keep my heart/I can keep my head|
(...and fend of all their legions...
...for neither rhyme nor reason...)
I don't believe that this is really happening
and it's sad to say but it seems I've lost the plot again.
there's the human I was born,
and the person I became.
I was calm before the storm,
now I'm angry in the rain.
and it's sad/to/say but it seems/I've/lost/the/plot again
It's all in my mind,
but I keep in time,
or at least, I try,
I haven't been alive in such a great while.
|12-20-2012, 01:15 AM||#2|
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: The Frozen North! (read: Northern Wisconsin)
I really like that. It's piece that I can relate to a bit (not because I'm ever pessimistic for very long, but because we all feel like shit sometimes).
The only change I would suggest is to maybe change "human" to "person". It's sort of a disconnect in the reader/listener's mind. If you're purposely going for said disconnect, cool. But yeah, I'd change it; it'd make it flow smoother.
See how it feels to you.
Crit mine? (Oh, do me a favor and please read the other posts in the thread quick.)