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Old 04-14-2013, 03:28 AM   #1
Eccer
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One dark Easter...

One dark Easter...

Night, has fallen onto its cold bed
thus watching the burning woods corroding upon itself
I couldn't help but blame myself for this reason.
Was it me? Or was it the voices?
Though, my thoughts wandered against the grain of the day
despite the news heavy broadcast, stuck in my head
"All fires outside are prohibited until the dry season ends"

I swear...
I saw it coming towards me
a flight flickering motion, spew forth a phoenix
one which couldn't be withheld
I must have kept it going, all this time
till its satisfaction was stilled.
But surely, it can't have been me
...right?

For all I know, I might have been attacked
but self reliance came as sort of a natural instinct,
when rations got thin and my friends lay dead before me.
It was the best meal I'd had in what felt like years.
I cried and laughed for days after, as it was
I could have died after all.

Twas coldness I had not foreseen
One which had found me, whilst sleeping
I felt its burning sensation
Revealing what life beyond the raving trees
And whatever left of my memory
That night, I emerged alone
Leaving a trail way back
As black as I remember

Still, I don't know why they stayed, home was just an hour away
but something kept them checkmate, the layers peeling at every step.
Whenever I woke amongst the carcasses, careless as to
whether it was my fellow peers or animal remains
where as I pinched myself, to prevent that urge again
to provide to its cold depths, calling.

And now I'm in the court, still pinching myself
they keep staring at me, with this oddity.
As if they knew my faith already.
They ask me "What drove you into this madness?"
I answered in a most prestigious way
"Love..."

Last edited by Eccer : 04-26-2013 at 03:36 PM.
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Old 04-16-2013, 09:49 AM   #2
21wickwing
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This piece is awesome! I love the ending as well. I can't honestly say anything bad about it. Great job!
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Old 04-17-2013, 09:21 AM   #3
Eccer
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Thanks, means a alot when someone appreciates it at least.
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Old 04-17-2013, 07:24 PM   #4
24WildRovers
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I would like to apoligize for my spelling to begin, I really am terrible

Night, has fallen onto its cold bed
thus watching the burning woods corroding upon itself
Was it me? Or was it the voices?
I couldn't help but blame myself for this reason.
Was it me? Or was it the voices?
Though, my thoughts wandered against the grain of the day
despite the news' heavy broadcast, stuck in my head
"All fires outside are prohibited until the dry season ends"
The two changes I suggest here really add a a couple syllables to the rhythm of what you have going on but I think they add a small insignigicant touch.

I swear...I swear
I saw it coming towards me
a flight flickering motion, spew forth a phoenix
one which couldn't be withheld
I must have kept it going, all this time
till its satisfaction was stilled.
But surely, it can't have been me
...right?
So I see here a sense of guilt but I would maybe be hoping for a hint to the reason or something either by this point or even the next stanza just so it's not a whole song of just crying in guilt for no appearent reason. (In case you don't know, I critique as I read so I have no idea what you have written next as I do this)

For all I know, I might have been attacked
but self reliance came as sort of a natural instinct,
when rations got thin and my friends lay dead before me.
It was the best meal I'd had in what felt like years.
I cried and laughed for days after, as it was
I could have died after all.
Ok so what vague visuals you have going here I am guessing you are in no-man's-land in some fight somewhere and you have gone so long without food you are eating your fallen comrades. Now if this is true, I suggest adding to visual part of the scene to make if more gruesome, because to me that sound horrible but without the visual part of the seen it's like watching a war movie without video or sound. If this is not the scene you attempted to portray than you obviously need more descriptive work here. You want the readers to feel like they are in the writting, living the world you have created. Not just giving a plain-cut summary. Also as I said in the previous stanza, by this point you have lost the readers that do not have the attention to keep going this far without some reason behind this work. So far all I am getting is vague scenes and an unexplained guilt

Twas coldness I had not foreseen
One which had found me, whilst sleeping It would be a nice touch to somehow include after this line here a reference to night. And maybe even re-wording the first stanza so that the bed that Night is asleep on and the bed you are sleeping on mean whatever it is you are going for here. That will help tie the beginning to the end so it's all just a big circle. Readers like circles
I felt its burning sensation linger
Revealing what life beyond the raving trees
And whatever left of my memory
That night, I emerged alone
Leaving a trail way back
As black as I remember
Ok so you did mention night, if maybe sounding unintentional but it is mentioned. And as far as stanzas go I think this is your best one; but it could be SO much more.

Still, I don't know why they stayed, home was just an hour away
but something kept them checkmate, the layers peeling at every step.
Whenever I woke amongst the carcasses, careless as to
whether it was my fellow peers or animal remains
where as I pinched myself, to prevent that urge again
to provide to its cold depths, calling.
Ok so if you were to either omit the last half of the first stanza and the second and third stanza, then we can get a better picture of what is going on. Because the stanza in particular REALLY makes me think this is all about a really bad hangover and you are now just realizing the aftermath of how terrible parties can be. It would also work really well with the first half of the first stanza and the previous stanza in that affect. Though for what it's worth, a little scene description would help even this plot

And now I'm in the court, still pinching myself
they keep staring at me, with this oddity.
As if they knew my faith already.
They ask me "What drove you into this madness?"
I answered in a most prestigious way
"Love..."
Ok yeah, so you lost me again so I am just going to say I have no idea what you are talking about so I am staying out of that.

Visual affects, sound descriptions and any other sort of something to make the reader feel like they are in the room with the writer living whatever is going on will capture the reader more that anything else. More than story or well flowing word choice, it's the descriptions. Now the other thing this lacks is a story and plot but I really feel that whatever it was just went WAY over my head. Now as far os word flows I think you have some potential skill there that just needs to be refined a little more and you've got it. And the overall rating I give this is 'ok'. It isn't so bad that I would throw it away but I don't think it's a gold record hit either. I would suggest looking through this and refining what you can and maybe doing some excersicing to build some lacking skills.
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Last edited by 24WildRovers : 04-17-2013 at 07:26 PM.
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Old 04-17-2013, 09:03 PM   #5
Eccer
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Thank you so much for this, I was hoping for someone to be honest about this. And that's all I could ask for. I like to experiment, and as far as I know. I'm still just a newb, with some luck here and there. Neither a native speaker, so it's hard for me at times :P

Those two syllables really helped to bring some flow into it, so I liked that. And perhaps tying that certain part with the beginning would have been cool.

And as far as giving this more imagery, I agree... but I was too lazy doing so, so I went with something crazy and unpredictable instead. Not the best i've done, but it's a sweet little locko story about a dude loosing his mind in the woods (and that's the imagery I was going for or at least trying too, hence the unexplained and vague lines. It's a thought experiment, rather than a story) and setting it on fire to hide his guilt, but still getting caught lol.


And thanks for taking your time with this, it's much appreciated.

Last edited by Eccer : 04-17-2013 at 09:15 PM.
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Old 04-17-2013, 10:26 PM   #6
24WildRovers
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Well I appreciate that you have taken my critique the way I have ment it accross. I believe this this forum is the best place on the internet to assist others evolve their literacy techniques
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Old 04-17-2013, 11:20 PM   #7
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It definitely is, it's an amazing place. With so little credibillity, though a place which was much more active in the later days. So please stick around, we need people like you who's willing to take their time to critique and give feedback!
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Old 04-17-2013, 11:32 PM   #8
24WildRovers
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Well thank you, after a couple years of inactivity I would enjoy getting back into the forums and maybe get back into writting. It will be intersting to see you evovle your technique as I work my way back into the forum I have long forgotten.
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