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Old 04-22-2014, 05:07 PM   #1
Eccer
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Alcohol's a...

I remember building towers
wide enough for me.
And the walls like the archives
I've made down here before,
whence the darkness breach.
I'm a ghost that roams and
there's a ways I believe,
"always".
This is happiness, this is flow
this is how normal people would walk, and I
should too
like them, it's continuous...

if all that is and was...

Alcohol's... a what? I don't
remember, but it seemed
genius at the time...

Last edited by Eccer : 09-05-2014 at 07:44 PM.
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Old 04-23-2014, 11:21 AM   #2
hippieboy444
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i like the overall arc of the piece but i dislike the stabs of interjection, for lack of a better term. "i keep telling myself" "and i should too" "...i think" : these are too direct and give you away before you get to the end. when i came across them, i could tell where you were going instead of following you out of curiosity.

nice read, thanks.
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Old 04-24-2014, 01:15 AM   #3
Eccer
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Removed some of those interjections, thanks.

But I feel the flow is somehow jarred now...

Edit, here's how it looked like before;
I remember building towers
wide enough for me.
And the walls like the archives
I've made down here before,
for whence the darkness breach.
I'm a ghost that roams and
there's a ways I believe,
"always" I keep telling myself.
This is happiness, this is flow
this is how normal people would walk, and I
should too
like them, it's continuous...I think.

if all that is and was...

Alcohol's... a what? I don't
remember, but it seemed
genius at the time...

Last edited by Eccer : 04-24-2014 at 09:57 AM.
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Old 04-24-2014, 10:55 AM   #4
hippieboy444
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i like the centring of the poem in terms of presentation. maybe the interjections don't have to be removed, maybe just changed. i like the current edit you have, the flow feels (as i remember) less quick and more subdued.
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Old 04-24-2014, 02:27 PM   #5
doubtfulsalmon
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I think I prefer the revised version, it is much smoother and more drifty, which fits the piece better.
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Old 04-25-2014, 03:08 PM   #6
Eccer
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Ok, will keep it like this then, thanks guys. Let me know if you want me to comment on anything of yours or others. Busy times! =/
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