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Old 02-07-2007, 05:44 PM   #1
beakerbeaker
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Upto Josie (completed version)

Hey for those of you who've seen the original (in the sig) I hope you like the finished product!

For everyone else, this is my first whole song, please crit!

Verse 1:

Josie makes a star
With a stick, in the sand

She throws away her shoes
Where the sea meets the land

And though she seldom speaks
Her words are all around

She has such restless bones
Sings without any sound

Chorus:

Josie don’t take your light into the city
They all sound so sweet and look so pretty
But they’ll break you down,
Why won’t you stay at home?

Verse 2:

Josie puts on her dress
And goes to chase her dreams

Through the floodlit broadways
And the movie scenes

She’s climbing the stairs
In circles, over again

She’s happily drowning
Peacefully in pain

Chorus:

Josie you took your light into the city
Don’t they sound so sweet and look so pretty?
But they’ll break you down,
Why won’t you come back home?

Verse 3:

One day she meets a man
With a pretty face

Josie’s heart is beating
At a steady pace

He takes her to his car
And drives her to his home

He watches her undress
Oh Josie, so alone

Chorus:

Josie you took your light into the city
And your man sounds sweet and looks so pretty
But he’ll break you down,
Why won’t you come back home?

Instrumental

Verse 4 (quieter than the rest with only a few strums)

Josie gave her heart
To a life of sin

Made her lose her end
And forget how to begin

Oh so easy to be
Hopelessly bewitched

And I wish it was me
Who had the bones that itched

Chorus:

Josie you took your light into the city
They really sounded sweet and looked so pretty
But they broke you down,
I want to take you home

I want to go home.
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Well it's a wonderful night for a moondance...

Josie

Sore Finger Blues
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Old 02-07-2007, 05:51 PM   #2
Jeff Manthei
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its okay.
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Old 02-07-2007, 09:27 PM   #3
Luke2
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Hey that's beautiful,

ok,

first of all it progresses wonderfully, with the subtle changes to the chorus and the story unfolding in the verses,

it ends well, tied up nicely, the tragic descent/corruption of Josie and the heartfelt sentiment or "I told you so" moment.

I love the "bewitched" and "bones that itched" rhyme, very nice.

and Josie "taking her light into the city" that's a beautiful metaphor as well,

you're definately on to a winner here,

nicely descriptive language used as well, "floodlit broadways"

the only things I can think of that are close to cons are:

the repition of the rhyme "city" and "pretty" in every chorus, seems a little too easy,

otherwise, awesome.

good shit
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Old 02-07-2007, 10:00 PM   #4
bunch_dark
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dude, this is an amazing song... i really want to hear it... the lyrics are really good. keep it up cause its all good stuff
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Old 02-08-2007, 03:29 AM   #5
beakerbeaker
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Thanks guys, I really appreciate it!
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Well it's a wonderful night for a moondance...

Josie

Sore Finger Blues
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Old 02-09-2007, 01:27 AM   #6
m pyro97132
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okay three things

1 awsome song great rhyming great flow

2in the first verse i would replace "any" with "a" so it would be "sings with out a sound" (thats how good the song is i have to make small changes that no1 else would notice)

3the title is also the title of a blink 182 song so yeah
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Old 02-09-2007, 07:49 AM   #7
a_7_x
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hey dude thats pretty good,
u say thts only ur first song?
well done =]
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Old 02-09-2007, 11:23 AM   #8
beakerbeaker
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Thanks guys these are all great! Wow I seem to have a problem with titles don't I? :P
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Well it's a wonderful night for a moondance...

Josie

Sore Finger Blues
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Old 02-10-2007, 11:49 AM   #9
Serrana
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beakerbeaker

Verse 1:

Josie makes a star
With a stick, in the sand

She throws away her shoes
Where the sea meets the land

And though she seldom speaks
Her words are all around

She has such restless bones
Sings without any sound

- I really like the first 3 stanzas here. Very descriptive, and sets a good tone to the song. However, I'm not crazy about the last stanza, it seems out of place, and the third stanza(which I think is the best) seems like a good ending to the verse.

Chorus:

Josie don’t take your light into the city
They all sound so sweet and look so pretty
But they’ll break you down,
Why won’t you stay at home?

-I'm not sure what music this goes to, but I think you should add another part to "But they'll break you down", like "But they'll break you and take you and let you down". But other than that an effective chorus.

Verse 2:

Josie puts on her dress
And goes to chase her dreams

Through the floodlit broadways
And the movie scenes

She’s climbing the stairs
In circles, over again

She’s happily drowning
Peacefully in pain

- I liked the previous verse better, but this one is still good, especially the 3rd and 4th lines.

Chorus:

Josie you took your light into the city
Don’t they sound so sweet and look so pretty?
But they’ll break you down,
Why won’t you come back home?

Verse 3:

One day she meets a man
With a pretty face

Josie’s heart is beating
At a steady pace

He takes her to his car
And drives her to his home

He watches her undress
Oh Josie, so alone

-I like this verse a lot. I love the last line that changes the whole tone of it. Also maybe add a few more words to the second line of the first and second stanza, to make it sound more balanced, but again I don't know what music this goes to.

Chorus:

Josie you took your light into the city
And your man sounds sweet and looks so pretty
But he’ll break you down,
Why won’t you come back home?

Instrumental

Verse 4 (quieter than the rest with only a few strums)

Josie gave her heart
To a life of sin

Made her lose her end
And forget how to begin

Oh so easy to be
Hopelessly bewitched

And I wish it was me
Who had the bones that itched

-I know what your going for here, with an overview of the "story" of Josie, but I'm just not a fan of hindsight in songs. But that's just my opinion. The second stanza is very good, but I think the fourth one is a little weak to end on.


Chorus:

Josie you took your light into the city
They really sounded sweet and looked so pretty
But they broke you down,
I want to take you home

I want to go home.


Overall, a very good peice. I like Bob Dylan a lot, and I'm a fan of songs where he tells stories of specific people and follows them. My preference though is that they never go too in-depth to the actions of the person, and never get too descriptive. I think these type of songs are best when they are very vague, and I though you did a nice job of that for most of it.

Last edited by Serrana : 02-10-2007 at 11:54 AM.
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Old 02-11-2007, 01:33 PM   #10
bmac85
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i really do like this song and just like the above poster i really get a feel of dylan in it, or kind of a mellancamp sound...keep up the great work, it tells such a good story, and the evolution of the chorus is a nice touch also...not much to say that the others haven't but keep up the good work
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Old 02-11-2007, 01:57 PM   #11
themarsvolta
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I thought this was a very sweet song, but not corny. I liked the way the song told a story. I always love songs that have narrative qualities to them. The wording was great because it was simple, yet very meaningful. This song reminds me of something Bob Dylan or Bob Seger would have written. Anyways, I'm sorry I couldn't give you a proper crit, but I really don't see anything wrong with this piece. Great job and keep it up.

Crit mine please
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Old 02-25-2007, 02:28 PM   #12
ClutchPhotos
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There's not much I can say. I really enjoyed it though, I like the imagery used, but is was written so well that you can overlook it. I'll easily give it a 5/5 though. The only one, as someone said, is the hindsight stanza, it's still good but think about tweaking it a bit.

Thanks for the crit as well
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