05-22-2007, 12:43 AM
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UG's Smewth Rocker
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: On The Other Side
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The Thing of It All
I had the need to write this poem after thinking about some of my dearly departed, and I eventually settled on a tale of a boy who died due to extreme neglect during a lapse of illness, and the events after the death. I'm not done writing it, but I've had a writer's block the past couple days, so I figure I might as well get some feedback from some UG members. Oh, and please if you have the time, write me some constructive criticism, and try not to leave this thread empty like my last entry. Thanks in advance to any kind enough to do so.
"My god He was smaller than I had thought" The cries rang out through the town As the household was torn Well you didn't have any part in Helping him Lay the body down in a box Add his name to the list "If only I had given more time" "If only my love for him I could remind" Well you're better off this way Better yet, if only you had seemed to care His life wouldn't have been taken And his body flat out whithered with wear "Inconveniences they seem so small Just like his body, ain't that the thing of it all?" Inconveniences you say? Since when attention, and love, and want Something that's come out of your way? Well, isn't that just the thing of it all? Your emotions made and fabricated Only after his life is dated The dreams once thought The plans once made All danced around the smoke As he's reduced to ash in the flames Yes, it's only time before you're day So fasten up and take the reigns "If only I..." "If only I..." "If only I... tried." His proclamation sung out Death? Who knew it? By the signs of an economic prize It's as though they all construed it Oh The lies built within Rise from the serum in the glass If only he'd had been there That bottle would be smashed Upon which the head I would observe A very abstract curse Not in particular, but suiting it well This situation's bound for hell As well as yourselves -Matthew
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Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow The Thing of It All (Poem In Progress) Some Criticism would be nice. 
Last edited by SkinnyWhiteBoy : 05-22-2007 at 01:01 AM. |
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05-22-2007, 01:41 AM
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Bertrand Russell
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Cyprus
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"If only I had given more time"
"If only my love for him I could remind" It's just cliche to me, I'm not sure if others would agree. His proclamation sung out Death? Who knew it? By the signs of an economic prize It's as though they all construed it Oh Loving this bit, I like the vocabulary used and I can imagine the prclamation. Construed also fits in majestically. It's very AFI circa Sing the Sorrow at this point I think. I can imagine Davey Havok singing or even writing this part of the poem. Rise from the serum in the glass If only he'd had been there That bottle would be smashed And then you say the dreaded word 'smashed'. Find another one, it's boring! I love how you started this bit though, the serum in the glass is vivid, just try improving the smashing of the glass. On the whole, I do like much of your expression, but it's evident that you are just coming out of writer's block. Try writing at different times of day or after a hot cup of whatever you drink. Vary your life a bit, and I'm sure you'll turn this poem into something even better than what you've already achieved, well done.  |
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05-22-2007, 03:30 PM
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#3 | |
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UG's Smewth Rocker
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: On The Other Side
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Quote:
Thank you so much! I was actually going for a sense of cliche for that bit, because it seems that the most said phrase after someone has passed away is "Oh, if only they knew how much I loved them!". I'm actually surprised you liked that "Davey Havok" line there, because when I was writing I felt as though that was a weak point that I should have revised (not so much now). But, I'm gonna go grab a bite and work on it some more. Hopefully I can be constructive and perfect some of the hollow lines that you pointed out. That "smashed" felt very filler to me, so expect me to find a more suiting verb to take it's place.
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Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow The Thing of It All (Poem In Progress) Some Criticism would be nice.
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05-24-2007, 01:53 PM
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#4 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Illinois
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Thanks for the crit, I appreciate it. Anyways, I thought the wording was good. Very emotionally which is always a good thing. My biggest pet peeve would have to be the flow. I'm not saying it has to read like a nursery rhyme, but the flow is severely lackingly. It made it kind of awkward to read. Maybe just rearrange a few lines or something. Anyways, nice job, man.
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