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Old 05-30-2007, 01:58 PM   #1
brodo_boosh
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untitled

This is definately my stringest peice yet. I'm actually proud of this one. Still neds a bit more added to it I think. tell me what you think.





See the notes move like fish in the sea
See them swim, there swimming to me
Hear the birds singing from the trees
Let them satisfy all your needs

Let me take you to a special place
Let me show you my very own space
Let the music choose the pace
Let the music be your taste

This canít finish itís only begun
This is the song that cannot be sung
My musicís the air that fills up your lungs
My musicís the wind, the moon and the sun

Listen carefully, listen close
Let the rhythm be the host
Savour the moment, make the most
Imagine the music like waves on the coast

My music is one of a kind
My music can control your mind
If you listen the things that youíll find
Youíre looking forward but you see behind

Let the notes take you on a journey
Past the bushís over the trees
Feel the tempo, let it be
Let the tempo tell you what to feel

See the pirates see the ship
Donít turn the wheel or the block theyíll chip
See the master crack the whip
See the jester perform his flips

Donít be scared just float away
If you see something peculiar donít be afraid
Just listen to the music and the image will fade
It will sink back into the depths of shade

Life without music is a life lost
Life without music is a life full of frost
If you forget music you pay the cost
Life becomes stagnant, covered in moss
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Laura's song
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Quote:
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I thought those films were pretty awesome.

"i told him smoking would kill him"

*RPG launch*

BOOM


Last edited by brodo_boosh : 05-30-2007 at 02:21 PM.
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Old 05-30-2007, 01:59 PM   #2
xyour_name_here
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prety good...personally i dont like rhyming...but i actually like this one
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Old 05-30-2007, 02:02 PM   #3
brodo_boosh
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Good, this is the first song I've wrote that I'm actually proud of and really dig.
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Laura's song
My zygoma lives in a xanadu
Quote:
Originally Posted by notsojoeyb4eva
I thought those films were pretty awesome.

"i told him smoking would kill him"

*RPG launch*

BOOM


Last edited by brodo_boosh : 05-30-2007 at 02:05 PM.
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Old 05-30-2007, 02:05 PM   #4
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Well man, it's good an y'know but I'm not enjoying the ryhme scheme, y'know man... Well good man.. Keep it up.
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Old 05-30-2007, 02:10 PM   #5
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Well, I'm going to be honest, at some points, the rhyming scheme got a bit repetitive and slightly annoying. It's not the result of bad writing, per se, it's just not many songs can pull off AAAA over and over again. That can make or break a song, be careful. There were a few lines that sounded slightly awkward and forced. The imagery is nice, but to me, it felt a little all over the place. I'd suggest you tie together all of the verses and imagery with a verse or so explaining what the pirates had to do with the forest, and what they had to do with the jester, etc.

Quote:
Life without music is a life lost
Life without music is a life full of frost
If you forget music you pay the cost
Life becomes stagnant, covered in moss

It may have just been me, but I thought that this verse was a bit out of place. I don't know...it seemed oddly placed. When I read it, it souned more like an ending verse. It disrupts the flow where it is now, I think. Again, it might just be me, so don't pay this so much attention. Sometimes I nitpick too much. Overall, nice song. Watch your rhyming, and, if you revise, pay close attention to any filler lines/ forced rhymes you have in there. If you can rewrite them, certainly look into it. Great job, man.
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Old 05-30-2007, 02:16 PM   #6
brodo_boosh
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ermm.... it's basically about my music having the same affect as a trip, so nothings really conected. It's just setting differan scens that the slected person visited while on this trip.
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My Lyrics
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Laura's song
My zygoma lives in a xanadu
Quote:
Originally Posted by notsojoeyb4eva
I thought those films were pretty awesome.

"i told him smoking would kill him"

*RPG launch*

BOOM

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Old 05-30-2007, 02:22 PM   #7
brodo_boosh
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I've out that verse at the end just for you nerk13 .
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My Lyrics
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Laura's song
My zygoma lives in a xanadu
Quote:
Originally Posted by notsojoeyb4eva
I thought those films were pretty awesome.

"i told him smoking would kill him"

*RPG launch*

BOOM

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Old 05-31-2007, 03:35 PM   #8
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I've been cheated... this isnt free porn!
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Old 06-01-2007, 02:19 PM   #9
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I've been cheated... this isnt free porn!

Same here!!!!

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Old 06-02-2007, 02:47 PM   #10
brodo_boosh
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^^^^^ Porn Freaks
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My Lyrics
Free Porn
Laura's song
My zygoma lives in a xanadu
Quote:
Originally Posted by notsojoeyb4eva
I thought those films were pretty awesome.

"i told him smoking would kill him"

*RPG launch*

BOOM

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Old 06-02-2007, 05:17 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by evening_crow
Same here!!!!

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triple ditto goddamit!!! dirty trick....
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Old 06-02-2007, 06:16 PM   #12
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Read the rules. Do not double post, or I will warn you next time.

And - do not advertise pieces as "free porn" in your sig.
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