damn-right!

Just this second wrote this, i'm not keen at all. I was going for a Jarvis Cocker/Paul Heaton sortof style...hmm


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Hedonistic Remedies

Standing, in the headlights, sweaty palms-beating hearts,
Lets get out of this place, into each others arms,
Lets lose all reason, who needs logic anyway?
We can build social climbing frames any other day,
Taken over by fashion, and that nihilistic want,
Of animal passion, that sweet hedonistic front,
Intoxicated and helpless, we've got so far, far to fall,
From the dizzy heights of this promise, sinners aint we all?

Sugar coated hedonistic dreams,
Hungry shivers as he whispers to me,
Sweetly promised nihilistic remedies,
Darling right now, you mean the world to me,

This is living, run your fingers through my mind,
God knows im willing but we never have enough time,
To really get to know someone, to honestly define,
So many excuses but darling thats fine,
Sugar coated husky whispered remedies,
And does he tell you how he loves you,
When he's got you on your knees,
And when you wake up in the morning feeling sick and dizzy,
Is your knight in shining armour what you wanted him to be,


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__________________
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk

af_the_fragile

Its got a good structure and flow...
although the rhyming feels a lil forced. Or even maybe not forced, but it seems to mask out the strength of the words in all that rhyming... every lines got the same feel to it... I feel it slightly lacks dynamics...
Yeah, i'm a bad crit...

Your song/poem is good. Its tight and has a really good flow. I love the 2nd verse got good emotions to it. I also like the way you end your verses by making a statement. Its good. I wont say its amazing, but its good!

damn-right!

Thanks for your comments, yeah i felt like i was a bit forced but not the vocabulary, ive been suffering from writers block, creative constipation if you will! Thats why im not so keen on this. I'm not convinced some of the imagery is as clear as i want it to be.

__________________
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk

af_the_fragile

Yeah, i didnt find a lot of imagery in that poem of urs...

Bout the writers/creative block... i guess we all go through it a point.. I've been going through the writers block lately too... i dont find a lack of ideas but i've lately been finding myself short of words... i guess the only way out of it is to write.. just write for the sake of writing.
For creativity, i guess its a good idea to reflect on your everyday life and personal experiences to find ideas for writing new stuff....

anyway, good luck with ur writing!! and you've just got a new avatar there!

damn-right!

yeah i changed it, it used to be cheese, then it was jarvis and now its a different jarvis. haha

My problem isnt a lack of words or a lack of subject. I can think of the things i want to write about, i'm social commentator and i tend to narrate as opposed to personalise so theres no shortage of subject matter, and my vocabulary is fine, i just struggle to get anything out that isnt complete balls. I used to drink a lot, that was how i wrote, in fact i think this is my first ever sober song. I dont want to have to rely on intoxication though! I cant afford to i just brought my first house!

__________________
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk

af_the_fragile

hmm... i rely on strong emotions to get my flow going. Lyrics mostly come out best when its straight from the heart... So when i usually sit down to write, i get my mind in a state where i start to feel strong emotions... Or i usually write when i've been goin through a bad time and i feel all these strong emotions... not really a good thing at times cuz u sometimes feel you start to like ur depression and all the strong feelings you get with it... But yeah, thats what i use to add that extra bit of emotion and intensity into my lyrics... Dont need to depend on alcohol for that... just some bad experiences... or maybe some self pity.... emoness ftw!!!! (i dont wear skinny trousers and make up btw...! )

damn-right!

haha as is probably obvious i draw a lot of inspiration from writers such as jarvis cocker, paul heaton, cake, housemartins. Like i said, im more of a social commentator.

__________________
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk

St. Jimmy189

Those are some nice lyrics.

kaihla

it's really good, good flow and large vocabulary range, although i do have to agree the rhymes seem a bit forced, not much though. ill write more later im in a rush

__________________

If every simple song i wrote
would take your breath away
i'd write it all

SomeoneYouKnew

if this is a song, you have to do what's right to mate the rhythm to the music.

but, as a poem there were places where a pause seemed out of place.

in others places, it seemed one was needed.

"Standing in the headlights ... " seems stronger without the pause.

"Sugar coated husky whispered remedies," doesn't flow well,
and you used "Sugar coated" earlier.

twice you mention Nihilism.
if the reader doesn't know what that is, twice you lose him/her.

if the reader knows (or in my case looked it up on the first occurance.),
the second occurance might make him/her think: okay, enough already. i get it.

" ... run your fingers through my mind,"
regardless of whatever is good or bad about the rest, this is brilliant.

__________________

damn-right!

This is a song, I'm not a poet, I'm a songwriter and whilst many would blur the two i believe there is a big difference. The punctuation is an indication of the rythmn of the song, unfortunately as the song has an erratic rythmn and unusually, ive yet to record this, this may be difficult to grasp from a readers point of view. My apologies, I am waiting for my vocal partner to arrive to record this, we live roughly 50 miles away and both work and since this is for our second album it isnt actually set in stone.



I agree in theory. As I've stated above this is purposeful.



The repetition is purposeful. Repetition, as well as that old chestnut, "cliche", only negatively effect a piece if they are used as opposed to further writing. I stated in another thread that hello is an adequate greeting and you wouldnt stop using it just because its been used before. I feel that the repetition of certain phrases builds up a focal point.



My apologies i assumed nihilistic was a fairly common word, since its used in context i feel no need to substitute it for the sake of simplicity.



Odd, since of all the song this is the part that bothered me the most. It isnt actually in keeping with the subject of the song, which is about one night stands. It really is just thrown in there because i liked the idea of it.

Thankyou for your comments, they were greatly appreciated.

__________________
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk

SomeoneYouKnew

i would not be one of those to blur the line. there are some similarities between the two, but songwriting is more complex.

since this is a song, the only truly valid comment i made, was about the line:
" ... run your fingers through my mind,"
it's definitely a hook.

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zombieshoelace

I agree with some of the others...the rhyming doesn't seem to quite click or flow. other wis its really good...it is deep and passionate in its own way.

damn-right!

Thanks for the comments. I had a bit of a giggle to myself that one person said it was deep and meaningful when the topic is anything but...

__________________
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk

leftyrockr

Okay, here's a return crit:

I think that you went overboard with a lot of the vocabulary. Especially because this is a song. I personally think that it detracts from the overall flow of the song, when the reader/listener is having to decode each line to get the message. Once you get past that, though, it's really good.

It's a little funny, you say mine is too simple and I say that yours is too complicated. I guess our writing styles are very different.

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www.angelservicedogs.org

That-Funny-Guy

I love the big words and English,sophisticated feel to the lyrics. You got Paul and Jarvis right. The rhymes are a bit sketchy, but there is room for improvement.
Great idea for a song!

samerika

Your vocabulary on that song was high, but i liked it although some rhyming were forced but thats already been said.

sorry for the short crit but would you like to crit mine: http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...987#post9086987

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Looking for a new sig!

Greenguy32123

Yup.

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A Slow Day
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Deserted
War of The Gods
Frag Out and Frag In.