Originally Posted by Wizards?

Confusius says, "No mother****er!

Originally Posted by confusius

this is OTS, from about ten minutes ago. I'm trying to improve my prose so here it goes:

The Beach

Blue skies blotted with the archetypal white clouds slip out of my vision as I stare at your face. It’s all blurred. All I see is you, golden rivers flowing down the pale side of your face, two emeralds hypnotise me as I watch you from a distance. Courage lacking, I stand slacking in a corner thinking about what we could be.

Beautiful intro. Very nice imagery and it grabs people's attention. I like this stanza.I like how you describe your feeling for her and i also like how you take us through the process for getting to her. Its very simple but it only makes this pieces better.

Infinite grains of sand cover the ground of the lengthy beach, school outing gives the lagging brain a chance to relax. I climb up a boulder, missing my step but grasping my balance I sit and contemplate your fine body. Sculpted by a master the level of Rodin, you make everything around you seem dull, unwanted, unneeded.

]I like how you describe your feeling for her and i also like how you take us through the process for getting to her. Its very simple but it only makes this pieces better.


You look at me and smile, returning the favour my gaze continues over the infinite amount of scum lying around the beach. They have no brain to think for themselves, they must be herded like sheep in a pit. Pathetic as may seem, I neither pity nor despise them. My feelings for you block out everything.

I think the whole "scum" thing is very unnessessary. It may help show us your feelings for her once again but it takes away from the beauty of the poem. I suggest you replace it with something else.

You come and sit up next to me. Catching you before you break your neck I remove my antisocial headphones and engage in a conversation. Those brief moments, are only that. Sweet as they were, I couldn’t find the right time to bring out my dreaded declaration. I was cockblocked yet again by her impertinent little friend. Crude as it may seem, that woman may lead to my death. Not a death of love but one of exasperation.

Ok, first thing with this, take out the "Catching you before you break your neck" and this stanza would be perfect. It brought up a face that should not have been brought up in a poem like this. Is till love how your describing your feelings for her. Every stanza i look forward to it like a christmas present.
So I also climb down from my desolate spot, following ironically inside this despicable herd of sheep. Such slow movement would make a sloth proud. They seem to take care in marking every single footstep on the sand. I catch up with you and pushing her friend away we walk over to the side.

This is perfect, everyone moves on forgetting about us, I stare into her eyes and I try my luck:
“Nere quieres estar conmigo…”
“Siempre lo he querido”

Ok, i can't read whatever that is so I'm gonna leave the crit for this part to someone else. I'm sure its beautiful though!

My heart is jolting inside my chest, I want to run for a thousand miles, but I can’t because you’re inching forward, so am I. Softly our lips join, a sweet feeling we taste in unison. The bliss lasted only moment as whistles rise from the crowd of puny dweebs staring from a few meters farther on. Cockblocked yet again. I hate classmates.

Amazing imagery in the beginning and i love the omic relief at the end. It puts a nice little touch on the piece. This is my favorite stanza so far.

So we walk on this magical beach, and this day I shall never forget as I found the key to the chest, in which your heart lies.

Beautiful ending. nuff said.

I hope you enjoy and C4C as always