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06-16-2007, 05:07 PM
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#1 |
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Bad Santa
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Blandford. Uk.
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A Leaf Fell
A Leaf Fell
I had seen it from afar. A cold Tuesday morning. The sun being frozen out behind the clouds. Dew dripping down blades of lush, green grass. Young minds still sliding, swinging and smiling with blue cheeks, playing in the park together. I stood at the edge conscious of my ugly appearance amongst the beauty of autumn. Soon though parents looked at watches, the children were called and the park emptied. With every step bringing a soft crunch, I shuffled across to the roundabout, and reminisced; when I was a moribund child. I'd rotate in this same spot, looking out bitterly to the few others I knew who'd destroyed me. Then I sensed the stare, and let the apparatus turn me around. My feet gently stopped the momentum. A western silence ensued. Facing me was a small boy, perhaps six or seven years of age. His eyes told me a story I already knew; the blue in his cheeks echoed the colour of the weather, but it extended into his smile. If I could've taken a knife and cut him, he would have bled blue, from a blue heart. The child walked over to a young oak, still in it's plastic shell. He plucked a leaf from it's frail arm, and let the wind take it through the air, eventually landing next to my steady feet. Without force, I began to spin again. And feeling no surprise or horror, I turned once to find that the child had gone. Last edited by Jammydude44 : 06-16-2007 at 05:16 PM. |
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06-16-2007, 05:14 PM
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#2 | |
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Feel The Stare.
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Doin Dat Funky Dance Christmas Style
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I had seen it from afar.
nice beginning A cold Tuesday morning. The sun being frozen out behind the clouds. Dew dripping down blades of lush, green grass. Young minds still sliding, swinging and smiling with blue cheeks, playing in the park together. I stood at the edge Nothing wrong here, some great imagery, I like the alliteration conscious of my ugly appearance amongst the beauty of autumn. Soon though parents looked at watches, the children were called and the park emptied. I'm confused, what does your appearance have to do with the children leaving or vice versa, good anyway With every step bringing a soft crunch, I shuffled across to the roundabout, and reminisced; when I was a moribund child. I'd rotate in this same spot, looking out bitterly to the few others I knew who'd destroyed me. Beautiful, this is great Then I sensed the stare, and let the apparatus turn me around. My feet gently stopped the momentum. A western silence ensued. Facing me was a small boy, perhaps six or seven years of age. His eyes told me a story I already knew; the blue in his cheeks echoed the colour of the weather, but it extended into his smile. If I could've taken a knife and cut him, he would have bled blue, from a blue heart. Damn Jamie, really good The child walked over to a young oak, still in it's plastic shell. He plucked a leaf from it's frail arm, and let the wind take it through the air, eventually landing next to my steady feet. Without force, I began to spin again. And feeling no surprise or horror, I turned once to find that the child had gone. This ending truly stunned me, at first when I read this I tried to scroll down thinking there was still more but no, it was the end. Brilliant Jamie, the best I have read today. I'm sorry if this is no help to you but I couldn't find anything wrong with it. Keep writing EDIT: C4C when you have a chance, maybe? http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...665#post9607665
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Quote:
Call me Kyrl, pronounced Curl DOIN DAT FUNKY DANCE Last edited by confusius : 06-16-2007 at 05:27 PM. |
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06-16-2007, 05:30 PM
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#3 |
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UG Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: U.S.A
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wow man... this is good.. i really liked it.. i would give a full crit.. but after reading confuis i agree with his totally... it was really good i'd say keep up the good work
i relaly loved the beginning it was... great lol short and simple umm i acutally go the third stanza. i guess it made sence to me.. over all i cant really cit... i dont see any fault...
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It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie. a silly wind (\__/) (='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy! (")_(") |
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06-16-2007, 07:52 PM
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#4 |
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Red in the garden!
Join Date: May 2006
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Wow, I enjoyed it. Is this child a younger version of yourself? That's what I got from it...
I might crit this tomorrow but there's no flaws, so yeah..... Well done. |
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06-17-2007, 06:41 AM
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#5 |
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Bad Santa
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Blandford. Uk.
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Thanks guys.
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06-18-2007, 02:18 PM
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#6 |
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prefers prose now
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: England
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Hey my Jammy friend.
I've just realised, you get to all of my pieces and I in return am a bit of a bastard. I'm not critiquing this now, but by God I will. It's black-dotted now and I'll get it tomorrow. Promise.
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'"I am fascinated by what you have to say"' |
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06-18-2007, 02:33 PM
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#7 |
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Southern Rock Addict
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: New York
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This is a really interesting piece. The structure and diction really adds to the piece. The struture keeps the pace really smooth, and the word usage really helps with the point of view.
A couple times the word usage seemed like it may be a tad bit elaborate, which I almost got a little hung up on, but then the structure that you have here kinda pulled me right back into the piece, which is really great. I can't find any flaws significant enough that changing them would add to the piece. Great work. I really like how you held on to that point of view. If you could crit my newest piece "Rainstorm Blues", I'd appreciate it. Keep on writing, you produce some cool stuff.
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2nd Member of Lynyrd Skynyrd Club My Latest Pieces Walk Out Untitled Poem Troubled Boy Manifesto I Don't Love You Anymore Guitar and Handcuffs |
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06-18-2007, 02:42 PM
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#8 |
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Metal Pagan
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Wilbraham, Taxachusetts
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this piece is good. keep writing jammie
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Desert Lightning |
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06-21-2007, 08:04 PM
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#10 |
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i will break your heart
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: on the tip of your tongue.
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This was just dripping with excellent imagery. I clearly saw the picture you painted, and it was executed in a very simple, yet descriptive way (save the word moribund, had to hit the dictionary for that one). The majority of this piece was ace, but I have a couple of minor problems. Firstly, I find the knife lines too harsh for the tone of the piece. It just seems abrupt and violent, especially since you've already clearly established the blue-ness of the child. I don't know, it just doesn't work for me. Also, some of the line breaks seemed odd and out of place to me. They kinda ruined the flow for me. Anyway, besides those small things, this was great. Nice work Jamie.
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i feel sickly like i am lost at sea and all the girls i used to know are high on ecstasy and they're much happier than me i think. what better way to put myself in my place?
Last edited by NGD1313 : 06-21-2007 at 09:16 PM. |
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06-22-2007, 12:34 AM
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#11 |
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^^Amateur Shrink^^
Join Date: May 2007
Location: PA
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Great alliteration.
The title reminds me of Emily Dickinson o.o
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http://img172.imageshack.us/img172/7937/orangemx1.jpg |
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06-22-2007, 07:02 PM
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#12 |
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Bad Santa
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Blandford. Uk.
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Alex - Pscht, pie crusts
 Nick- Thanks. I wasn't too sure of the knife line, I thought I may have been a bit too sharp (aha) on that. The line breaks are where I say them naturally, but on re-reading yes, it doesn't read too smoothly. It's something I'm determined to address in future pieces though. Lespaul- I appreciate your words. I'll get back to you soon, with any luck. Thanks everyone. |
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06-22-2007, 07:43 PM
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#13 |
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Soapbox Kings
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Joplin, MO
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wow, i really enjoyed this, it painted a beautiful picture in my head, i do agree that this line is a little harsh tho
"If I could've taken a knife and cut him, he would have bled blue, from a blue heart." i didnt really get that part, but the rest i loved, u have a great talent and skill in writing, how u brought a storie to life by the imagery described in the storie, keep t up, could u crit mine http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/sh...ad.php?t=611103
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My Music http://www.myspace.com/theocifers GUITARS: Gibson ES-335 Gretsch Pro Jet Guild Acoustic 1958 Harmony Hollowbody Archtop AMPS & EFFECTS: Vox Valvetronix AD50VT Vox V847A Wah Pedal Electro-Harmonix USA Big Muff Danelectro Daddy-O |
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06-22-2007, 11:09 PM
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#14 | |
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Drunk Poet
Join Date: Oct 2004
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Quote:
i cant really explain why, but i really loved this line, maybe something of the double-meaning of the cold, connective culture of western society  the only things that bothered me were the choppyness of the first stanza, and the use of the word 'apparatus' which seemed incorrect and out of place other than that, in all honesty, you should be proud, this is really ace work crit for crit? http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...ad.php?t=611287
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Too Wierd To Live, Too Rare To Die Soapbox The Puppeteer Kasparov Underexposed What a Wonderful Life It Begins City, 2am |
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06-23-2007, 02:02 AM
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#15 |
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Your Biggest Mistake
Join Date: Aug 2006
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I really liked it. It was like watching a play. I loved the imagery and the pictures you painted. I agree with ChordMonger, I really liked that line but my favourite part was:
conscious of my ugly appearance amongst the beauty of autumn. I love autumn and I can completely connect to that feeling. Crit mine? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/sh...ad.php?t=612788
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Can't say I was never wrong But some blame rests on you Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do |
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