hobozach

this is the complete version of No dollar left behind, will crit 4 crit
P.S. I realize that there may be some flow issues, but I wrote it with a specific rhythm in mind, and it fit perfectly, so don't crit on flow, please and thanx

Verse
Looking for a new way out
as i walk among the pessimists
that fill me with doubt
and drain me of my dignity

Searching for an answer
as to why I'm stuck here
but only to find more questions
as to what i really fear

Chorus
In the end
it all boils down
to who has the better car
or who has never worn a frown
In this world
you will never find
a country without a bank
or a dollar left behind

Verse
Confronted by my future
Haunted by my past
looking up at God,
hoping this will never last
Is it my fault
that I cannot seem to find
the bits and pieces
my conscious left behind

Chorus repeats

Bridge
With the need
to compete
to lie
and deceive
to bring about
our final day,
we'll never find
a better way
to learn from
our mistakes.
the mistakes
we made
yesterday

chorus repeats

With every step
that you take
your greed gets real,
and your charity, fake
Open your eyes
to the poverty
in a capitolist
society

Chorus and bridge are sang in rounds continuously and fades away

__________________
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In the end, fact means nothing,
its all about perspective

naterthegreater

The first verse had some flow problems, but I liked it, it really got the song introduced. The second part didn't really stand out much and seemed pointless. The chorus had flow problems but I liked it, especially the last line. I also liked the verse afterward, though it was out of place, it flowed really well. The bridge I liked, it flowed decently. The ending seemed kind of forced here, though. I give it a 7.5/10.

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Jesus was a Capricorn



Songs/Poems:
Mass Hysteria
What if
Desensitized

Emo Cookie

wow, i think it's awesome, but there's only 2 problems i have. the first verse doesn't exactly have the best flow, but i do like it. And the second verse, it doesn't really fit with the rest of it. Othere than that it's great, keep it up!

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bluemoon05

Very very nice, I liked the whole meaning behind the song, I like the last few lines particularly, I won't comment on the flow problems but I would like to hear the eventual song, just out of interest what style of music do you play?
Overall i'd give it 8.5 out of 10

Well done

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rockinlespaul

Guys, he put in bold and underlined italics that he wants the flow the way it is.

I look for a new way out
Walking among the pessimists
that fill me with doubt
and drain me of my dignity

I think that makes the first verse sound better.

but all I find is more questions

Just splitting hairs....


The bridge is awesome.


And its "capitalist" FYI


Very nice piece, I like the flow. Even though its unconventional, its pretty good overall.

"worn a frown" sounds really good, not sure why. But it does.

Sweet job.

Haha. As i'm reading this something just came on the news. The United States of America set a world record for money given to charity. The timing is pretty clutch on the anchorman's part.

Still nice song. I like this version more.

I'm putting up a new poem in a few...if you could crit it I'd appreciate it.

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2nd Member of Lynyrd Skynyrd Club

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