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Old 12-10-2012, 03:53 PM   #1
21wickwing's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: USA
The Story Of Timmy Fenn

Stress seeped from the ceiling,
as the impassioned young man
tried to realize what he was dealing.

Nothing seemed real since he began
to have expectations through the roof
of himself, others, and the grand plan.

Everybody gave him proof.
He should be conservative.
Stop being such a risky goof.

The failure was affirmative.
Timmy Fenn should stop
because failure would be repetitive.

And his friends didnít like a flop.
His parents ridiculed him.
But he knew, in the end, he would be on top.

So within the bounds of failure, he would swim.
Swim and swim and swim til he made it.
Nobody would stop the great Timmy Fenn.

And he smiled through his teeth with grit.
He reached for the stars over and over again.
He tried with all his might and all his wit.

And after years of pure dedication,
he achieved the great breakthrough
and finally he could sit back and grin.

The success arrived right on cue
and all the people praised Timmy Fenn,
Waiting to see what he would tell you.

Finally Timmy Fenn would go to heaven.
And the people worshipped his success.
He was the legend couples told their children.

Timmy Fenn failed so he could change the world.
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Old 12-10-2012, 04:42 PM   #2
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I'm liking this, very nice!
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Old 12-10-2012, 05:27 PM   #3
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Thank you! It is an offshoot of my previous poem, The Story Of Tommy Jones. This one is more personalized though. Glad you liked it!
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Old 12-10-2012, 09:32 PM   #4
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Columbus, Ohio
I found it too vague (I know people give me shit for this.)

Here's the deal: you've got pronouns, referencing things that have no point of reference:

"Everyone" for instance is confusing. Who is everyone? What does that mean? Everyone? Define that in the poem and remove all of its pronouns.

You do this throughout, referencing this vague group. I have no location, setting, era, time, place, person or image.

This needs more imagery to tell a story, otherwise you're just stringing together small, simple words.

Though, the first thing I would is literally cut this to about 3/4 the size.

Tighten it up man.

make 3-4 stanzas a single line,

if you can't tell a story in a haiku, you can't tell a story in a longer former, according to roland barthes.

and brother you're a hunter and you're right at home

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Old 12-11-2012, 12:47 AM   #5
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Last edited by SilentProtest : 04-29-2015 at 09:46 PM.
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Old 12-11-2012, 01:13 AM   #6
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Something_Vague, thank you so much for your critique. I spent a good amount of time thinking about it and I honestly prefer this length. It shows a struggle to succeed. The topic is supposed to be a journey to success rather than a "get rich quick" scheme. As for the vagueness, I believe I am not supposed to explain who everybody is. I took to this poem as more of an author mindset. I want others to sink themselves into the story and take on the character as their own. You might like The Story Of Tommy Jones though as that one is much more specific.

SilentProtest, I am glad you enjoyed this! And I am glad that I put words to your emotions tonight. Thank you for the response. I quite enjoyed your poem too!
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