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Old 10-06-2013, 08:02 AM   #1
Bleed Away
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: the alley at dawn
Heaven's mornings

Godís (bastard) son
grew in silence
like the best of us.

The crooked halo symbolises no state of being,
just an inner child etherised
at 5 in the morning - far more than any pure heart
can take.

Watch the apprehension materialise
into an unplaceable archangel,
abstract enough to mistake for a companion
until the love lost evokes an epiphany:
Godís language doesnít deal in semantics.

So keep silent.

Last edited by Bleed Away : 10-07-2013 at 02:01 AM.
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Old 10-08-2013, 04:04 PM   #2
Bad Santa
Jammydude44's Avatar
Join Date: May 2006
The deliberate diction bugged me until you addressed it somewhat at the finale. Smart, but it still wasn't enough for me to commit to saying I fully enjoyed this. It's like a provocative Ryvita. I think the stodgy vocabulary and lack of real rhythm is alienating, appealing only in small doses. The line breaks and run-ons are inconsistent, so it feels as though little thought has been allotted for the reader's experience - some intrusive punctuation across the whole piece is also indicative of this.

Smart but not something I'd frame. Perhaps it's the intimidating/instructive tone. Or maybe its me.
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