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Old 10-16-2012, 09:07 PM   #1
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
 
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Interval

[ Still exhuming some old ones that never quite saw the light of day ]




Please,
when you get back,
tell me you're okay;
that's all I want to hear,
perhaps as a reassurance.
I know the harm I cause you,
as I torment myself and dramatize
my life as a Greek tragedy,
expecting the catharsis
of your might to enlighten me;
but you're as weak as me, and even less
you can fight with your weakness.
Then, we consume
and consume ourselves until we explode
into collateral damage on one another.
Itís best to burst through the door
and return in the calm after the storm.
Please,
when you get back,
tell me you're okay.

Last edited by seventh_angel : 10-22-2012 at 06:33 PM.
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Old 10-17-2012, 04:21 PM   #2
Poypoy72
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Please,
when you get back,
tell me you're okay;
that's all I want to hear,
perhaps as a reassurance.
I know the harm I cause you,

Absolutely beautiful. Simple and very deep.
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Old 10-18-2012, 05:21 PM   #3
AngryGoldfish
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Very simple and very succinct. The only problem I had was the line break at "collateral damage". I know it's going to be hard to rearrange that, as no one formula seems better than the others, but I think you can do it. And it's crucial for something as emotionally connected and smoothly written as this. It plays on fluidity, so make sure that's there all the way through.

It really is fantastic to have you back on the forums.
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Old 10-21-2012, 12:41 AM   #4
smartalecG94
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Not much more to be said, honestly. Simple and beautiful.
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Old 10-22-2012, 05:27 PM   #5
brokencoastline
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I had a problem with the collateral damage part too, but I think it was more the phrasing, "explode into collateral damage on one another" reads awkwardly to me. Otherwise this reads well but it might be beneficial to expand on the idea of weakness in the second person. The idea feels significant but like it's just left there. Expand on it. How are they weak? You may be able to convey more about the relationship that way, and that seems central here.
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Old 10-22-2012, 06:34 PM   #6
seventh_angel
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Thank you for your kind words guys. I changed the line breaks on that segment.
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Old 10-23-2012, 07:27 AM   #7
kdownes
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This is surprisingly good for an old piece, Andre. A little simple and empty, but still enjoyable. It'd be nice to see a new one, too, I was really liking where your style was headed.
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