12-09-2012, 05:04 PM
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#1 |
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So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
Join Date: Aug 2007
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WotW - Leaving The Observation Room
Leaving the Observation Room,
enveloping my arm around hers (a premonition to a crown of flowers) looking at the line of lights as they persuade the tears to drip back behind my eyes. She wouldn’t handle if I cried. I could tell by the way her feeble elder hands grabbed my sleeve with the most youthful strength. She knew, from the denouncing silence, from the hurried gait to the most isolated corner where our bodies winced, failing to remain straight, she knew she had just said goodbye to her companion through life. “There’s a turmoil of memories and I grasp none.”
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My Pieces Eh-bits Tandem There's Nothing As Silent As A Cry Forn Help Carpe Diem New one: One Step Last edited by seventh_angel : 12-09-2012 at 05:08 PM. |
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12-09-2012, 11:26 PM
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#2 |
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wick2107
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: USA
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Dude, this. This is a wonderful poem in my honest opinion. Great job!
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Lion King has the best movie soundtrack of all time. -C4C- Spring Dusk The Story Of Tommy Jones The Story Of Timmy Fenn |
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12-10-2012, 12:18 AM
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#3 |
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one among the Fence
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Star IV
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Is this a follow on from Coma? It feels very thematically similar. There's a honesty and rawness to both of these that's made it difficult to truly offer a critique. I feel like they mean something to you.
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12-10-2012, 02:14 AM
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#4 |
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Lets rent bikes from 1942
Join Date: May 2006
Location: In the deepest ocean, the bottom of the sea
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Anatomy Anatomy Whale Blue Review Park that car
Drop that phone Sleep on the floor Dream about me |
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12-10-2012, 06:30 AM
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#5 | |
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Ra
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Levantine wine country
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this I cannot crit. Honest, bold and raw. It's a beautiful poem.
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Ask.fm: The Swag Years Quote:
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12-10-2012, 07:23 AM
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#6 |
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So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
Join Date: Aug 2007
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Thank you all guys. Yes Kyle, both those poems are about the death of my grandfather. They just have different perspectives. Everything is still very recent, so I guess I'll make one or two more, depending on what happens from now on. But thankfully, everyone is dealing with it in the best way we can, which is really good and makes me happy.
Thanks again for finding this beautiful guys 
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My Pieces Eh-bits Tandem There's Nothing As Silent As A Cry Forn Help Carpe Diem New one: One Step |
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12-10-2012, 08:26 AM
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#7 |
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one among the Fence
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Star IV
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If I had to be honest, I think I preferred this one. The first felt over cluttered and un-organised. A product of the emotions and times, I'm sure, but the message and meaning here is so much more clear and powerful. Glad to hear everyone is managing, losing someone that close is never easy.
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12-10-2012, 01:17 PM
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#8 |
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this too shall pass
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Des Moines
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Sorry for your loss, Andre. I agree with Kyle, though. I much prefer this one to Coma. This is quality work, man. Congrats on WOTW.
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12-10-2012, 01:19 PM
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#9 |
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Weeow!
Join Date: Mar 2006
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there were some things that irked me in this one, but i would feel uncomfortable bringing them up. I'm very sorry for your loss, man. Warmth and prayers coming your way
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Fan of Spoken Word and Pornography? Then LIKE my Facebook Page! https://www.facebook.com/DylanDDebelis |
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12-10-2012, 02:48 PM
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#10 |
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wick2107
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: USA
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Consider WotW well deserved
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Lion King has the best movie soundtrack of all time. -C4C- Spring Dusk The Story Of Tommy Jones The Story Of Timmy Fenn |
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12-10-2012, 07:52 PM
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#11 |
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So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
Join Date: Aug 2007
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Oh my, thank you guys ! You are all so kind; your words mean a lot
 Also, there's no need to feel uncomfortable by poiting out some things that didn't work for you Dylan. It's still a poem and every note is important for me to grow as a writer. Thank you all so much for the WotW, and mostly for your support.
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My Pieces Eh-bits Tandem There's Nothing As Silent As A Cry Forn Help Carpe Diem New one: One Step |
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12-18-2012, 10:30 AM
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#12 |
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do I "urk" you?
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Ireland
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Thanks for coming back, Andre. It's a pleasure to see your work again. You've progressed over these two years greatly.
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12-18-2012, 08:30 PM
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#13 | ||
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UG's Resident MoonMoon
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Chasing a stick
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Congrats on the WotW, Andre. Sorry for your loss, man. I lost my grandfather a little over two years ago and it's still pretty raw for me too, so I understand some of how you're feeling and what you're trying to portray in these. Also, the bit about "she had just said goodbye
to her companion through life" hit especially hard, because my grandma pretty much lost her mind when my grandpa passed. WotW well earned in my opinion.
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