02-03-2013, 10:30 AM
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#1 |
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th.
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: the alley at dawn
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untitled
I don't know how to write anymore.
You are mistaken, mistress paradise is not what we are approaching; hedonism, dead on arrival. I picked up the pieces and cried myself to sleep in a bed with nothing else within it; my suffering started with worship. I once caught a glimpse of happiness, I must have been 5, the sun was out and the crowd parted alongside to some picturesque interior for no reason in particular; life was simpler, back then.
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Mulbery |
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02-05-2013, 04:03 PM
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#2 |
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mon titre d'utilisateur
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: In the bucket at the end of time.
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Hmmmm, everything but the last line is pretty much gold. The last line... I'm not sure if that's what this needed.
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マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー じーんせいはっわんつー！ぱんち・・・ "Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching |
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02-05-2013, 07:36 PM
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#3 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Jan 2013
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Agreed with culex, it almost reads to me like you're going to continue the poem after that line, I'm not quite sure what it adds. I also don't like the 'dead on arrival' part, it didn't seem to work with me. I really liked the overall feel you created, though, especially with the contrast between the first two and the third stanzas. I dunno, I feel like those minor things were the only real issues.
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