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Old 02-04-2013, 05:52 AM   #1
pixiesfanyo
the pain is easy
 
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: idyllwild, california
lil sumthin sumthin

my dad's dad killed himself
when my dad was twelve.
and now i find myself
aching for that family line.
someone to explain my taste
for alcohol, especially the top shelf.

my dad's mother passed away
selfish and lonely.
in an empty house
and i the least emotional
was comatose on a couch.
rather than attend the funeral
i guess that is what i'm about.

so, these days i watch my father struggle.
i see his habits unwind
and hope they don't come out
in time, because i can see them in my veins.
the neglect of ourselves
the empty fights
and endless kisses to glasses
passed through generations before.

i guess my family is cowards.
because we'd rather spit trite phrases.
hide behind empty nights
and some vice to hold us carefully
but all i lately hope to find
is someone to rid myself
of this genetic self pity.
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Old 02-07-2013, 02:52 AM   #2
culex-knight
mon titre d'utilisateur
 
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: In the bucket at the end of time.
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いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
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じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


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Old 02-07-2013, 06:20 AM   #3
jiminizzle
Lost Pilot
 
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Coming Down, Cleveland Avenue
damn, jared. that^
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Anatomy Anatomy
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Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me

Last edited by jiminizzle : 02-07-2013 at 06:21 AM.
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Old 02-07-2013, 08:54 AM   #4
Bleed Away
th.
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: the alley at dawn
Now this is how to write a thought-provoking poem! 10/10
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Mulbery

Last edited by Bleed Away : 02-07-2013 at 09:12 AM.
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Old 02-08-2013, 03:53 PM   #5
Nilchii
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Join Date: Feb 2009
No, I don't like it much. Too contrived to be emotional; too raw to be polished.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pixiesfanyo
my dad's dad killed himself
when my dad was twelve.
The "dad's dad when my dad" bit is just clumsy.
and now i find myself
aching for that family line.
So frank, it's dull.
someone to explain my taste
for alcohol, especially the top shelf.
'Cause it's hard to understand why someone prefers top shelf alcohol?

my dad's mother passed away
selfish and lonely.
More dull frankness.
in an empty house
and i the least emotional
was comatose on a couch.
Empty, least, emotional, comatose... and an image hammer.
rather than attend the funeral
i guess that is what i'm about.
I don't like these two lines because they make no grammatical sense, but I'm admittedly picky about that sort of shit.

so, these days i watch my father struggle.
i see his habits unwind
and hope they don't come out
in time, because i can see them in my veins.
the neglect of ourselves
the empty fights
and endless kisses to glasses
passed through generations before.
So, this stanza was pretty good, really. "Kisses to glasses passed through generations" is really lovely.

i guess my family is cowards.
because we'd rather spit trite phrases.
Right. So you realize you don't have to do it too, right? You can make your phrases less trite?
hide behind empty nights
and some vice to hold us carefully
but all i lately hope to find
is someone to rid myself
of this genetic self pity.
Again with the grammar, but "someone to rid myself" doesn't make any ****ing sense at all.


peace
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