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Old 04-20-2013, 07:21 PM   #1
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Join Date: Mar 2013

A sonnet I wrote, mainly to see if I could. About unappreciated beauty and noblity where you would expect to find none, along with some left-wing overtones.

To the air, Freedom lifts her star-black knight
With a flurry of glossimer petals
And a derisive cack. Avail of flight
Away from dangers on the Earth befell
The unwary rodent; insinuous
Feline death holds no fear, nor the mongrel
With savage jaws. Through skies continuous
The Scavenger Angel makes all humble

Yet dark Shadows over-head loom
An ancient fear that fills the mind:
The Hawk, airborne herald of doom,
Monarch, bane of all Freedom's kind;
Swoops for Innocence on the wing -
The lowly Knight defies her King.
TheBegotten is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-25-2013, 03:26 PM   #2
Join Date: Jan 2011
i don't have much experience with sonnets, but i think this is well executed overall, the main thing that stands out to me is that some of the punctuation interrupts the flow when i read this out loud, but that is pretty simple to fix just by playing around a bit.

Yet dark Shadows over-head loom

i do however feel this line is a bit forced, which is necessary to maintain the rhyming pattern, but might be something to consider.

i like the complex imagery throughout (though i find myself yearning for slightly more cohesion in your use of metaphor) and the final two lines (a subtle volta?) give good closure.

it requires a lot of skill to write in strict classical forms, and this came out well
doubtfulsalmon is offline   Reply With Quote

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