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Old 02-09-2013, 03:12 PM   #1
the bartender
Biologist
 
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: the Netherlands
Always Climbing Up

If you have
the time
please look around
donít
rush ahead

because there's
only cliffs
about


As you turn
your head
you smile and say
that you're not
afraid
to die

but in fact
you're scared
to death


Our hearts
will change
as we say goodbye
before
we come
to see

It's all
up we
climb



I'm not content with everything yet, there's a few lines I dislike, but I'd like to hear some opinions anyway.
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You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children

You must not do it anymore
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Old 02-12-2013, 01:30 PM   #2
Eccer
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Well, it wasn't that bad actually. Apart from the title, which I think is a bit mundane. But I thought the space in between the stanzas really worked for this piece, sorta gave that image of walking on the thin line I wrote a similar'ish piece which is in my sig, check it out!
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