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Old 02-07-2013, 01:37 AM   #1
JimiJamesThe2nd
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An addict, a lover, a fiend.

Incandescent luminary essence of eastward facing stalwart light
Stitched upon the faintly blue-ish hued embroidery of the starlit night
A cleaner thing was never gleaned within the edge of Sunday candle light
A sun to see, a star to please, you are eternally a vivid and ever-blinding sight

Whose sunflower teeth speak to me in a kind of kindly cathartic cacophony
Through matching pairs of cherry blossoms, the startling image of self is seen
A future, of which i was aware but for a moment, now lost again like old ships at sea
The realization now is dawning, dear God, she has chosen to hide away this night with me

And so her lilac and lavender smell I inhale, made anew, changed into,
an addict, a lover, a fiend.
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Old 02-09-2013, 07:38 AM   #2
fret-less
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You write songs just like I write songs!

Bad. And Wordy.

Try a mixed rhyme scheme. Every line rhyming is not interesting.

Also, "kindly cathartic cacophony" does not make sense.

Otherwise, this is a really solid starting point.

Do you want this to be lyrical-centric? Are you looking for something people will want to sing along with? Is this about anything specific?
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FREE COREYSMONSTER! I'm not changing this until you RE-BAN CoreysMonster forever.
(He was mean to me once, and I'm a petty man)
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Old 02-09-2013, 02:01 PM   #3
AngryGoldfish
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Location: Ireland
This isn't 'bad', but I do agree that is too 'wordy'. You need to take a step back and re-evaluate what is important to you as a writer. Do you want to look and sound sophisticated to the masses, or do you want to communicate a emotion. This didn't communicate anything emotional to me. The imagery was pretty in places, but what good is an image when it has no background or reason for being there. Use your talent at combining words and create something both unique (which this already is) AND emotionally connected and relevant. Don't sacrifice integrity for something tart.
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Old 02-09-2013, 11:32 PM   #4
treborillusion
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Location: The London Borough of Croydon, GB
You lost me half way through the first line, I'm sorry to say.
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look nigga, if you're chillin with 5 bros and 2 hos, you're gonna wanna pay attention to all of em equally. not moon over the hos forever and laugh at every shitty thing they say and just stare at them all night, like some of my mates do.
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