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Old 04-27-2015, 03:06 PM   #8441
EndTheRapture51
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Difference is that digman said he was "talking" to a girl and wasn't sure if he wanted to get too deep in anything. Different advice would be needed if he was already involved in a relationship with someone and these issues came up.

Context is important here and you appear to have ignored it. I advised him not to get involved because of what he posted here. Of course I'd be more sensitive if I was talking to this person face to face but I'm not and this is an internet forum that she isn't reading so in this case you're just being semantic.
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Old 04-27-2015, 03:58 PM   #8442
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Yeah, I've never actually met her and she's already told me that she's carved the words 'bitch' and 'w*hore' into her arms.

She's basically offering sex on a plate too but I think it's probably best in this situation to avoid it, especially because when I get back to Edinburgh I will technically be still living with my ex. I somehow don't think adding noisy sex with a mental stranger would particularly help improve that dynamic either.

If I was in a relationship and someone developed clinical mental issues then I would do my best to help them cope and provide support. I do feel that it'd be a poor decision to actively go into a relationship when fully aware of issues like that beforehand, especially when the person involved was completely unwilling to take any kind of professional help, as is the case in this situation.
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Old 04-27-2015, 04:05 PM   #8443
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You have made the right decision man
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Old 04-27-2015, 05:31 PM   #8444
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I dont even know why you had to even think about it. OF COURSE YOU SHOULD STAY AWAY. Far away. Dont stick your dick in crazy.
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Old 04-29-2015, 04:41 AM   #8445
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As I´m typing this out I have no idea whether this will be long or not, but if it is, please bear with me. This is not necessarily about a specific situation, but more about my whole relationship and some probable underlying problems. I’m not asking for advice in the sense of ‘do this’, or ‘do that’, but I want to know what you guys think of this situation.

So here it is: my girlfriend and I stopping smoking about half a year ago and it has affected us positively. We have more money and we’re less irritable etcetera, so that’s a good thing. Right when we stopped smoking however, she said that if there was ever an occasion like a party or whatever, she might just smoke a cigarette. I can live with that, but I don’t want her to start smoking again (as hypocrite as that may sound, but I’m done with the cigarettes). Yesterday she told me that she smoked a cigarette the day before and asked me if I was angry, almost expecting me to be, and while I said I wasn’t angry, I said I was a bit disappointed, because we didn’t abandon the smoking for no reason. I took that back and said it was okay, but added (jokingly) that if she would shoot herself with heroin I would get angry. Now this is obviously an absurd situation, as this would never happen.

However, the next thing I know she’s all over me saying I’m patronizing and controlling her and that she should be able to choose whatever she wants to, saying that I’m judgmental and that knowing I wouldn’t agree with something she does is ‘suffocating’. Now, I don’t mean to be patronizing, for instance when I say her room is a mess. I don’t say that because I judgmental, or because I think she should clean up; that’s her own problem. I say it, because I genuinely think her room is a mess and as I’m a tidy person, I think it’s rather annoying to have to be in that mess. The same thing goes for the smoking and any other thing she might do.

And here’s the thing. I don’t want to forbid her to do anything as I can see how forbidding your partner to do anything would indeed be ‘suffocating’. However, this isn’t the case. I let her do stuff she wants, but if she’s entitled to do whatever she wants, ‘as she pleases’, then I’m entitled to have my opinion on that and even to disagree with that if I want to. Am I in the wrong here? I honestly want to know. The problem that arises here is where the boundaries lie. Yes, I would get angry if she shoots heroin (which isn’t going to happen, but that’s beside the point. I also wouldn’t be too happy if she decides to start smoking again and I wouldn’t like it if she would start cutting herself (again, something that’s not going to happen). So yes, she can do what she wants to, to a certain extent, but I do not think I have to agree with everything she does, especially if that’s affecting me. What is your stance on this?

This situation – yesterday’s discussion – has had me breaking my head over the night, because I think it might point to deeper problems. It’s almost as if she doesn’t care, or doesn’t want to take responsibility for her actions, but maybe I’m in the wrong her. Please, enlighten me. I need to know what’s really going on here, without saying that any one of us is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, because frankly, I think we’re both doing something wrong in our relationship.

Thanks in advance.
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Old 04-29-2015, 05:32 AM   #8446
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My opinion, just from what's given: No, you're in the right.

Reaffirm that it's her choice to do x , and your judgements are only made because you love her, and care about her happiness --- both in short-term and in long-term.

Loosen up on trivial shit like always having a tidy room, but also assert that you matter too, and not be un-tidy at your place or whatever because you personally find it to be disrespectful of your feelings/not having a say in the relationship or something.
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Old 04-29-2015, 08:29 AM   #8447
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You are probably in the right. But it seems it could be a lose lose situation.
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Old 04-29-2015, 08:43 AM   #8448
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You are probably in the right. But it seems it could be a lose lose situation.


And what does that mean, exactly?
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Old 04-29-2015, 09:04 AM   #8449
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^ like if you try and tell her/show her that you're right to some degree she'll get mad. If you don't then she could turn it saying you dont care, or just use it as an excuse to do stupid stuff.

situations like this are difficult to navigate. What Fat Lard said seems like a good way to go about it though
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Old 04-29-2015, 11:23 AM   #8450
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Originally Posted by RDSElite
I need to know what’s really going on here, without saying that any one of us is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, because frankly, I think we’re both doing something wrong in our relationship.

Thanks in advance.


When you choose to be in a relationship, you are also deciding that you'll be accountable for your actions. That's a basic understanding, because as you invest more and more time, you're investing yourself into this person being your long term partner.

Her freedom of choice is not freedom from consequence. If my girlfriend decided to take up smoking/binge drinking/any kind of corrosive behavior, it is my right to react however I please. Can you force her to change? Of course not. But you definitely have the option of leaving. This is an example of the extremes, but it highlights the point.

Honestly, in your case, you could probably do well with a talk. The smoking aside, your criticism of the room should be culled, considering how superficial it is. Your best bet is to sit her down, tell her that you love her/care about her, and use that as your motivation of why you care about her (potential) drug habits. Relate it back to yourself, asking her to confirm that she'd also be concerned if you started using anything that causes harm to your body.

Once/if she agrees, ask her about what bothers her. I don't intend to criticize you, but it sounds like you're the kind of guy who is oblivious to your criticism of others/things. Because of that, she could be perceiving many of your comments, which you're probably making without a second thought, as judgmental and barbed. If that is the case, you may want to modify your approach, or attempt to explain your sincerity.

But even then, I'd try to make it a point that you will worry about her well being, not because you want to control her, but because you care. That's the price of being in a relationship, and something she should consider.

If the thought of someone watching over her is that suffocating to her that she sees you speaking to her as an assault of character, maybe she just isn't ready to commit to someone else.
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Old 04-30-2015, 03:41 AM   #8451
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Thanks for the extremely helpful reply megano, much appreciated. Regarding the messy room; of course that's a superficial thing and it doesn't bother me as much as I made it sound. It's an example she gave me of when I can be 'patronising'. Your fourth paragraph then, hits the nail on the head. I have problems in making my wordings sound like I want them do and can therefore sound much harsher than I want to - this is a communication issue that I'm aware of and I've been told by many people that they sometimes find it hard to fully comprehend what I mean (I tend to be sarcastic as well, which leads to easy misunderstandings).

However, your last paragraph is probably the main problem in my relationship. She has occasionally lashed out me, whenever I was supposedly 'judgmental', saying that I'm not 'her father', a action I loathe, for it's completely beside the point. I know I'm not her father, nor do I want to be or try to be. I do not want to control her, but apparently she thinks I do. Now, if this is simoly a communication issue, then it should be easy to resolve. I want to let her know that she can indeed do what she wants, as I don't want to limit her (as I don't want her to limit me in my ambitions) and that in general I will support her in whatever she thinks is good for her, but that she should always knows that there will be things I wouldn't be that supportive of. And this is not an assault on character, I probably should make that clear, but a sincere caring for her from my part. Yeah, I need to say that to her. Thanks
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Old Yesterday, 11:04 AM   #8452
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Throughout my life I've struggled to form intimate relationships with girls and have often had sceptical views on relationships in general. I've been told I'm frigid which isnt the case, one night stands and careless hookups havent been a problem.
But I have long since forgotten the messy divorce I watched my parents go through at the age of 5. My dad left and has been fairly distant ever since, he is still an active part of my life, but does growing up without seeing loving parents and the absence of a father figure have knock on effects later in life?
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Old Yesterday, 12:02 PM   #8453
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RhythmsFallSlow
Throughout my life I've struggled to form intimate relationships with girls and have often had sceptical views on relationships in general. I've been told I'm frigid which isnt the case, one night stands and careless hookups havent been a problem.


As i was reading this, the first thing that sprang to my mind was, what was your parental situation like from ages 5-12 or so?

Quote:
Originally Posted by RhythmsFallSlow
But I have long since forgotten the messy divorce I watched my parents go through at the age of 5. My dad left and has been fairly distant ever since, he is still an active part of my life, but does growing up without seeing loving parents and the absence of a father figure have knock on effects later in life?


...and this is your answer. The only important "real" relationships you've had with your family are at an arm's length, balking at getting too close while being afraid of letting someone in. Your parents' divorce and father's distance--assuming there's been nothing else in your childhood like abuse or other trauma--is why you struggle to form meaningful relationships with people. All you know and all you learned from your parents is a loveless tolerance when it's convenient, so that is what you emulate when attempting to form a relationship with someone. They are intrinsically connected to each other and your childhood directly influenced why you are this way.

Some of us can identify this in you, but nobody here is qualified to properly deal with it. There are therapists and counselling available to help you work through it and overcome. It can be done, but it will take some work on your part. I hope you're up to the challenge.
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Originally Posted by yellowfrizbee
What does a girl have to do to get it in the butt thats all I ever wanted from you. Why, Ace? Why? I clean my asshole every night hoping and wishing and it never happens.
Bitches be Crazy.
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Old Yesterday, 12:17 PM   #8454
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Thanks for your reply, I accepted it and moved on some time ago and figuring out how to be a man by myself, however I know now it is something I've never actually gotten over or even discussed before now.
But recently I've been sleeping with a girl and we're getting on well, I feel completely comfortable with her, however she was worried that I wasn't finding her hot enough. I assured her there is nothing to worry about but it must mean that our relationship is somewhat different.

Also, I don't want to repeat to her what I've disclosed here as I do not want hers or anyones pity.

I had patches of bullying from 5 until 15 through being a vunerable loner, suffering from low self esteem in the early years of Secondary school (11 - 14), through that I developed a stubbon "give a ****" complex which I guess I still have as my way of dealing with the world.
Thinking about it, none of my friends at school were raised by single parents, I grew up accepting my situation as normal and wouldnt have any effect on my personal development.
Visiting friends houses, I've always felt weird that both parents are present in the house, it always felt odd and crowded.

I'm not looking for a short fast answer as these situations run deep.

I've never met anyone in the same boat as me, growing up with my busy working mother and baby sister who was always in other family care, I have always been by myself.

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Old Yesterday, 12:47 PM   #8455
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Burying it and thinking it will fix itself =/= accepting it and moving on

The tendency for people in your position with your experiences is that when they feel someone getting close, they push them away or even sabotage the relationship altogether. I'm not going to say you'll do that, but that is the pattern and has happened a hundred thousand times so be aware and cognizant of that.

Talk to someone man. You could do nothing and continue on the way you are, mired in this muck, which you're clearly not happy in. Or you can make the hard decision and decide you want to be better and live the life you want to live and get proper counselling.
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Originally Posted by yellowfrizbee
What does a girl have to do to get it in the butt thats all I ever wanted from you. Why, Ace? Why? I clean my asshole every night hoping and wishing and it never happens.
Bitches be Crazy.
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Old Yesterday, 06:26 PM   #8456
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Is it bad/weird that months after I finished my relationship I still have absolutely no interest in finding another one?

I have literally no interest in even having a one-night stand or anything, I want absolutely nothing to do with anyone of the opposite gender past purely being friends.
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Old Yesterday, 07:33 PM   #8457
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Is it bad/weird that months after I finished my relationship I still have absolutely no interest in finding another one?

I have literally no interest in even having a one-night stand or anything, I want absolutely nothing to do with anyone of the opposite gender past purely being friends.


No. I actually think it is pretty normal.
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