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Old 04-22-2013, 10:27 PM   #1
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Michigan
Another one that I wrote

Hi everyone, I wrote this one recently and forgot about it...I'm not sure if it's complete or if I'll finish it...I just found it in my notebook and figured that I would share in case anyone wants to give insight. Thanks!

Love on the base of creation,
Even though you've gone away. (I don't particularly care for this line)
A feeling without the sensation
Looking back on the very next day

Increasing the chance of temptation
A feeling kept deep inside
Remember these days are forgotten
All that I know is your knife

The longer it falls as a rain drop
is the slower it falls out of me
Alone these days will awaken
And take you away from my dream

A heart so unkempt that it's freezing
This isn't the trouble I'm in
Who's stopping you from believing
That your path is free from sin

I'm having girl troubles. Some of the lines read awkwardly to me, maybe it's because I forgot the melody that I had in mind...I just figured that I'd share it because it's one of the few "complete" poems/lyrics that I have..
Green_Ghoul is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2013, 03:29 AM   #2
Join Date: Jan 2011
i think the thing that's holding you back here is how you're writing to the line breaks, it makes the piece feel disjointed as each line is a stand alone phrase. you should explore writing in longer, more conversational sentences as it leads to a more natural flow and you should find it easier to expand on ideas.

something to note is that, in my opinion, line breaks should be used to complement a piece by adding emphasis etc and are not always necessary, especially in song lyrics.

overall, i think this is a good start and shows some promise, you just need to (as with anything) practice and experiment. hope this helps.
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Old 04-28-2013, 04:50 PM   #3
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Nuremberg, Germany
Dude, i like this. I am a fan of Metaphors, so your Poem really impresses me You should keep up your work!
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