11-30-2012, 05:14 PM
|
#1 |
|
this too shall pass
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Des Moines
|
A Letter Home
Rip it apart. You know the drill.
"Again! Again!" It's the voice of the 3-year-old girl with pigtails being lifted over and over again by the hands that clasp hers. She never grows tired of what feels like flying and the hands that hold her will always hold the images of a girl in pigtails laughing as hard as her little body can. But her little body can't always stay a little body. And her pigtails only last a few more years. "Mom and Dad, it's not that I want to be difficult I'm trying to make this easy I swear, I'm trying. Mom and Dad, Things are different, but not so different we can't love each other the same. Mom and Dad, I covered my body my whole life to keep people blinded from me and I cut my hair when I was 20 so I could finally, finally see. And I kept you at a distance for fear of you walking away on your own. Mom and Dad, Mom and Dad, Mom and Dad," The hands he once used to soar through the air have turned into apologies and haircuts, baggy jeans and button-ups, letters home like they're good attempts at communicating, and now his body is not so little, and his heart is strong, because it's not so easy telling your parents they have a son. Last edited by Cyclones41 : 11-30-2012 at 06:48 PM. |
|
|
|
11-30-2012, 05:55 PM
|
#2 |
|
non sum qualis eram
Join Date: Jan 2009
|
i don't think the shift from third to first person works. keep it narrative.
the first part of the monologue is, i think, great, and then it starts to fall a bit for me. i'd say cut or change that bit. you talk about that reason and then you give it to us. just give it, don't warn beforehand, ya know? also should there be another word after soar? soar around, soar in, something? last stanza might need one extra line in the middle to maximize the umph.
__________________
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
|
|
|
|
|
11-30-2012, 06:03 PM
|
#3 |
|
this too shall pass
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Des Moines
|
Thanks, man. I wondered about all of the things you brought up, haha. The reason I switched it from narrative is because I'm unsure about what to do with pronouns in the last stanza. Would it seem too abrupt to switch to "he" as opposed to "she" like it was before? As for the monologue, is it just the "mom and dad, i cut my hair..." bit that throws it off for you? Thanks again!
|
|
|
|
|
11-30-2012, 06:10 PM
|
#4 |
|
non sum qualis eram
Join Date: Jan 2009
|
i think the pronoun switch would make much more sense than going into first person, since the last line sums up the rest of it and it wouldn't be misunderstood.
it's from mom and dad i'm sorry to the end of the quote. you could turn this away from being a "reveal" piece and just detail what the reasons are within those lines, if you want to keep them, and then you can reiterate with that great last stanza. i hope that doesn't seem like a contradiction to what i said before. it's just two different ways of going about it.
__________________
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
|
|
|
|
|
12-02-2012, 05:43 PM
|
#5 |
|
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
Join Date: Aug 2007
|
I only read this now, but if the last stanza was written in the first person, it wouldn't work for me. The gender change feels essential to the meaning of the piece, and the first person wouldn't give the impact that the last stanza now has.
That being said, I really liked this piece. I don't know how much you edited it and polished it, but, as it is now, it's damn good. Maybe the Mom and Dad part could have more impact, because it really didn't do much for me, but that's the only downside I found in this.
__________________
My Pieces Friendship The Vulture Eh-bits Tandem New one: There's Nothing As Silent As A Cry Forn Help |
|
|
|
 |
«
Previous Thread
|
Next Thread
»
| Thread Tools |
|
|
All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:57 PM.