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Old 03-25-2015, 08:29 PM   #8361
Ssargentslayer
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Yeah but how do I go about drawing that line? This is partially why I went back to my parents. I wanted her to be independent for a bit and not have me to rely on in that sense. But when I go back I'm not sure how things will go.

She's starting her weekly meetings tomorrow so I hope that helps with things.
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Old 03-26-2015, 10:11 AM   #8362
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Originally Posted by Ssargentslayer
Yeah but how do I go about drawing that line? This is partially why I went back to my parents. I wanted her to be independent for a bit and not have me to rely on in that sense. But when I go back I'm not sure how things will go.

She's starting her weekly meetings tomorrow so I hope that helps with things.

Objectively. That's the ideal. Moving back to your folks was a good move, it will hopefully give you some space to rest and think about your role in her life but also hers in yours.

You both should be getting something out of this relationship, as cold as that sounds. She's getting your support which you've been generous about but with a high cost. What are you getting out of it in the long run?

The meeting might help. They might help immediately, they may not. Where do you find yourself if it doesn't?
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Old 03-26-2015, 12:10 PM   #8363
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She "can" be caring and fun to be around. "Can" be. Sounds great. Not to be callous, but why are you staying with her? She _cannot_ handle being in a relationship right now and probably won't for a while. She has a mental condition, and as with most mental conditions (barring some exceptions of course) until she has it under control (which she does not) there's no way she should be in a relationship.

AA and NA and rehab centres tell people not to start relationships for a year after treatment. This is no different. Just because you were together before doesn't mean you can or should be together now. It's affecting both of you psychologically and being together is toxic for both of you. Maybe one day, but right now, no way dude not good. Damaging and harmful, actually.
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Old 03-26-2015, 02:23 PM   #8364
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So.

I'm a big advocate of going for regular check ups. That's a normal, responsible thing to do, right? I feel fine but I can't run my own blood tests and be my own gynecologist, so yes, I think it's good to go anyway to see if there's something wrong. Even if there isn't, you should because you never know and you don't want to know when there's nothing they can do anymore.

BF couldn't give less of a shit.

He did in the military when it was mandatory but this kid has health insurance, hasn't gone for a check up in 2 years. A couple of months ago? His wrist wouldn't stop hurting. Didn't go to the doctor because he "couldn't find one". I'm like dude, there's 3000 other doctors in this city, find one. Nope.

And I understand I'm not his mother and I'm probably asking him more for me because if he doesn't, that's one more thing I worry about which I'm aware I don't have to. But what happens if there IS something and he keeps putting off going to the doctor and by the time he goes, it's too bad to do anything about. Where does that leave me? His caretaker? I don't mind but no one ever looks forward to that. I don't think he realizes if something happens to him, that's on me, too. I get to deal with that shit, too.

And I hate the fact that he downplays this. Like today I told him, I decided to get my shit treated because I keep getting this bad result (nothing super serious at this point) and he's like, oh so like always. They'll do the test again and it'll be nothing. Like before. Yes. My body isn't consistent but that doesn't make bad results any less serious just because it comes and goes. I don't know if he just doesn't give a shit about anyone's well being or he has a thing with doctors or what. And I wonder, what if something happens to ME? Would he care? Would he care for me if I needed it?

I'm trying to figure out how to either a.) get him to get a ****ing check up (seriously you ****tard, it's not a big deal) or b.) get over it and leave it alone.

LOL I come here so often you're all probably just thinking I should just leave this guy.
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Old 03-26-2015, 02:56 PM   #8365
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Originally Posted by kikaykitko
Objectively. That's the ideal. Moving back to your folks was a good move, it will hopefully give you some space to rest and think about your role in her life but also hers in yours.

You both should be getting something out of this relationship, as cold as that sounds. She's getting your support which you've been generous about but with a high cost. What are you getting out of it in the long run?

The meeting might help. They might help immediately, they may not. Where do you find yourself if it doesn't?

So I went to see her yesterday because an old friend who went missing 6 months ago was found dead, she was pretty crushed.. Anyways I was there for her then later we talked and we developed "safe words" to help communicate exactly how things are between use. I don't feel like going into huge depth about these but I think this is a very good step.
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Old 03-27-2015, 03:50 AM   #8366
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Ok, what I'm about to write may be ridiculous, but I'm being serious and this has been making me feel really bad for a while now.

I think the main question would be "How do you move on from a crush", and I know that this has been asked a million times, and the answers are something like "It'll take time" or "Just turn your attention to a different person", but I think that's part of my problem.


So, from the beginning:

A few years ago (I don't really remember when, maybe 2 or 3) I was on youtube, and came across a video. Since it was interesting, I watched a few more of her videos. Some of those where vlogs, which I don't usually like, but I kept watching since she told things in an interesting and funny way (at the time I didn't feel anything for her, so I don't feel like I was influenced in any way).
EDIT: Maybe I was and didn't know it, for reasons mentioned further ahead.

The problem started to develop some months after that. At the time, I wouldn't miss a day where I didn't watch her vlog, and the feelings started. (Even though I knew I didn't have any chance with her, but I couldn't help it )

At one point, I took a look at myself and thought "Even if you had chances, why would she want to date you? Your future isn't looking up, you have to fix this."
I used those feelings to better myself, but that phase didn't last long because I knew I was feeding something that shouldn't be fed. I was entertaining the thought of dating her if I reached my goals, when I knew it wouldn't happen, so I stopped. I unsubscribed from her channel and haven't seen her videos in maybe a year or more.


So what's the problem? Well, I can't think of anyone I've liked as much, not even close.
Everything about her just clicks really well with me (when I told my friends, they laughed and said they've seen hotter women, those bastards . I don't agree in the slightest, and besides, I like more than just her looks, I like the person she is (or at least has shown to be, but after a long time of watching her impromptu-looking vlogs, I'm pretty sure I've seen who she is))
TL;DR: She embodies everything I like about a person. And her quirks, the things that make her unique, it hurts to know I'll have to miss those.

I don't feel like meeting anyone because of this. When I look at other women it just isn't the same.


Questions:

1 - Is it really a bad idea to use these feelings, in any way, to better myself? When I did it, it was really effective. (I feel like I know the answer to this one though...)

2 - I need to forget her, but even after such a long time I haven't been able to. I can't help comparing other women to her because I feel like I found who I truly want to be with.
This has to stop, advice?

(You may tell me to focus on another person's positives, but it's not the same)

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Old 03-27-2015, 04:23 AM   #8367
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Originally Posted by kikaykitko
I'm trying to figure out how to either a.) get him to get a ****ing check up (seriously you ****tard, it's not a big deal) or b.) get over it and leave it alone.

I'm not a doctor, but from what you described it doesn't seem to be anything serious.

I searched and found this: http://www.healthline.com/symptom/wrist-pain which isn't much but should help to assure you. (I'm not saying he shouldn't check with a doctor, but it doesn't seem like anything serious. I'm sure he'll check it out if it really bothers him.)

Just my 2 cents though
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Old 03-27-2015, 08:42 AM   #8368
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Originally Posted by Minicaxotinho
Ok, what I'm about to write may be ridiculous, but I'm being serious and this has been making me feel really bad for a while now.

I think the main question would be "How do you move on from a crush", and I know that this has been asked a million times, and the answers are something like "It'll take time" or "Just turn your attention to a different person", but I think that's part of my problem.


So, from the beginning:

A few years ago (I don't really remember when, maybe 2 or 3) I was on youtube, and came across a video. Since it was interesting, I watched a few more of her videos. Some of those where vlogs, which I don't usually like, but I kept watching since she told things in an interesting and funny way (at the time I didn't feel anything for her, so I don't feel like I was influenced in any way).
EDIT: Maybe I was and didn't know it, for reasons mentioned further ahead.

The problem started to develop some months after that. At the time, I wouldn't miss a day where I didn't watch her vlog, and the feelings started. (Even though I knew I didn't have any chance with her, but I couldn't help it )

At one point, I took a look at myself and thought "Even if you had chances, why would she want to date you? Your future isn't looking up, you have to fix this."
I used those feelings to better myself, but that phase didn't last long because I knew I was feeding something that shouldn't be fed. I was entertaining the thought of dating her if I reached my goals, when I knew it wouldn't happen, so I stopped. I unsubscribed from her channel and haven't seen her videos in maybe a year or more.


So what's the problem? Well, I can't think of anyone I've liked as much, not even close.
Everything about her just clicks really well with me (when I told my friends, they laughed and said they've seen hotter women, those bastards . I don't agree in the slightest, and besides, I like more than just her looks, I like the person she is (or at least has shown to be, but after a long time of watching her impromptu-looking vlogs, I'm pretty sure I've seen who she is))
TL;DR: She embodies everything I like about a person. And her quirks, the things that make her unique, it hurts to know I'll have to miss those.

I don't feel like meeting anyone because of this. When I look at other women it just isn't the same.


Questions:

1 - Is it really a bad idea to use these feelings, in any way, to better myself? When I did it, it was really effective. (I feel like I know the answer to this one though...)

2 - I need to forget her, but even after such a long time I haven't been able to. I can't help comparing other women to her because I feel like I found who I truly want to be with.
This has to stop, advice?

(You may tell me to focus on another person's positives, but it's not the same)


does she even know you exist? does she live nearby and could you try to get in contact with her or something?
if you could try and make a move and see where it takes you, I'd go for it.

Either way if this is just an internet crush, there's not much else to do then try to find someone else or forgetting about her by doing other stuff to get your mind off of her.
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Old 03-27-2015, 09:47 AM   #8369
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Getting yourself attached to an idealised image of what a 'perfect' girlfriend should be can be very harmful. Your infatuation with this girl is unhealthy, especially since you don't even know her. It's easy to fall for the trap of wanting that which you can not obtain. This is going to sound harsh and you'll probably not like me for saying this, but this girl only exists in your head because you're scared of what could happen in the 'real' world. It's safe, fancying someone from behind your computer screen, but it will never get you towards her. Go out and find someone real. There's a shitload of amazing girls out there.
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Old 03-27-2015, 01:09 PM   #8370
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Originally Posted by Ssargentslayer
So I went to see her yesterday because an old friend who went missing 6 months ago was found dead, she was pretty crushed.. Anyways I was there for her then later we talked and we developed "safe words" to help communicate exactly how things are between use. I don't feel like going into huge depth about these but I think this is a very good step.


did you even read what i said or are you purposely ignoring it.


Look man you're never going to be happy with that chick. Maybe for periods at a time but lasting happiness that you can build a life together on? No. It'll be two and a half steps forward, two steps back the whole time. Build 4 walls, tear 3 down. Not what you want to hear, i know, but reality ****in sucks sometimes.
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What does a girl have to do to get it in the butt thats all I ever wanted from you. Why, Ace? Why? I clean my asshole every night hoping and wishing and it never happens.
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Old 03-27-2015, 02:06 PM   #8371
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does she even know you exist? does she live nearby and could you try to get in contact with her or something?
if you could try and make a move and see where it takes you, I'd go for it. (...)
Nah, it's impossible.

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Getting yourself attached to an idealised image of what a 'perfect' girlfriend should be can be very harmful. Your infatuation with this girl is unhealthy, especially since you don't even know her. It's easy to fall for the trap of wanting that which you can not obtain. This is going to sound harsh and you'll probably not like me for saying this, but this girl only exists in your head because you're scared of what could happen in the 'real' world. It's safe, fancying someone from behind your computer screen, but it will never get you towards her. Go out and find someone real. There's a shitload of amazing girls out there.
I agree with everything you said, but this part.

I think the problem is that I've seen the perfect person for me, but can't have her. (I fell in the "trap of wanting that which you can not obtain.")
It's kinda like if you got a Ferrari, but your dream car was a Toyota. It's awesome, but it's just not the same.


Or maybe I didn't understand what you said
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Old 03-27-2015, 02:50 PM   #8372
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By idolizing snap shots of a persons life by no means makes her "perfect" for you. in all truth you know next to nothing about her other than her blogs, and that's not really a whole lot.
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Old 03-27-2015, 03:20 PM   #8373
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Originally Posted by -tempest-
By idolizing snap shots of a persons life by no means makes her "perfect" for you. in all truth you know next to nothing about her other than her blogs, and that's not really a whole lot.
What I've seen of her, that's what I find perfect for me. (I didn't see a perfect divine creature, I saw imperfections too, but those were my kind of imperfections, you know?)

And those vlogs weren't those pre-scripted "Things that piss me off" type of vlogs, and I got too much into it and now here we are


EDIT: I should stop with these "Yeah, but..." answers, I know that this has to end but I can't help felling like I haven't explained this clearly enough. RDSElite kinda got the nail on the head though.

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Old 03-27-2015, 03:43 PM   #8374
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I wouldn't say that trying to justify your feelings really would matter. I mean, you can do it if you want but it won't really make a difference.

It's like when I befriend girls and slowly get to know them. At an early stage I can make up my mind that hey I actually like this girl and would like to spend more time with them.

It's easy to manifest a thought of them being perfect for you, when you truly don't even really know. You just want to believe that. This is why when people first start a relationship they're super happy but then some discoveries can then make you realise that it's not all that you first imagined.

In your case you really have a situation where you're helpless. Really no other way to put it but moving on seems to be your only move.
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Old 03-27-2015, 04:35 PM   #8375
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Yeah, guess so...
Thanks guys.
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Old 03-27-2015, 10:26 PM   #8376
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Originally Posted by Acϵ♠
did you even read what i said or are you purposely ignoring it.


Look man you're never going to be happy with that chick. Maybe for periods at a time but lasting happiness that you can build a life together on? No. It'll be two and a half steps forward, two steps back the whole time. Build 4 walls, tear 3 down. Not what you want to hear, i know, but reality ****in sucks sometimes.

No I read what you said. And yeah thats the other side of it. I really hoping things work out, we're both growing as people. You may think I'm making a mistake by staying with her but I'm still going to hope things work out.

Its not like its constant fighting and its not like shes not trying to get back on track. This treatment is still recent, maybe things will get better, maybe they wont. But I'm not going to put up with this forever, if I see a stop in progress or her going backwards then things will have to end.
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Old Yesterday, 01:18 PM   #8377
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Quick update and q regarding a girl I got with a while back (we've been talkinng on and off and happened to see her around uni every now and then).

So I get a message from her fairly out of the blue, saying she had just gone home from uni (turned out we live close at home etc) and that shes going on holiday for abit, but when shes back me, her and a mutual friend (who neither of us currently speak to) should go for a drink.

Is this her being subtle and saying just me and her should go for a drink/or have I been friendzoned?

EDIT: just realized its been an eternity since I had a possible friend zone issue
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Old Yesterday, 07:45 PM   #8378
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Originally Posted by Shredx
Quick update and q regarding a girl I got with a while back (we've been talkinng on and off and happened to see her around uni every now and then).

So I get a message from her fairly out of the blue, saying she had just gone home from uni (turned out we live close at home etc) and that shes going on holiday for abit, but when shes back me, her and a mutual friend (who neither of us currently speak to) should go for a drink.

Is this her being subtle and saying just me and her should go for a drink/or have I been friendzoned?

EDIT: just realized its been an eternity since I had a possible friend zone issue


Sounds like a friendzone move....if she had a romantic interest, I doubt she'd be inviting along her friend to be a third wheel.

Can't hurt to go for a drink though, as they say, 'In vino veritas'
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Old Yesterday, 07:56 PM   #8379
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Sounds to me like there's probably some romantic interest still, and I think the fact that she's planned it in advance is the proof. That, coupled with her initiating the conversation.
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Old Yesterday, 09:05 PM   #8380
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Sounds like a friendzone move....if she had a romantic interest, I doubt she'd be inviting along her friend to be a third wheel.

Can't hurt to go for a drink though, as they say, 'In vino veritas'


A friend who she has said she doesnt speak to anymore, and it wasnt a plan set in stone like you free x day to go for a drink with me and said friend.

So I can see it from both sides.

Also I've had to really back off and play long game, after nearly coming off too strong I think so we'll see. Will try and get something sorted (with just the 2 of us) when shes back
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