Go Back   UG Community @ Ultimate-Guitar.Com > Music > Songwriting & Lyrics
User Name  
Password
Search:

Reply
Old 01-24-2013, 08:22 AM   #1
the bartender
Biologist
 
the bartender's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: the Netherlands
Frosted Lips

I will hold you dear
when the night
grows colder

we will have no fear
for the darker
days to come

and the snow
it won't
hold us back
as we set fire
to our souls
just to keep us warm


Sliding through the streets
the snow
remembers our feet

All the whitened trees
that stare
towards the ground

they know
we all
hide ourselves
in the crowns
and leaves
of love


as I
enjoy the speech
flowing
from your frosted lips
your words
rearrange
my scrambled bones
again



Let me hear your thoughts on this. I'll C4C.
__________________
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children

You must not do it anymore

Last edited by the bartender : 01-25-2013 at 02:28 PM.
the bartender is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-24-2013, 11:13 AM   #2
KidCanary
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
I think overall it's pretty good, but there were a couple bits that I think could be improved.

Quote:
and the snow
it won't
hold us back
to set fire
to our souls
just to keep us warm

That 'to' just sticks out and doesn't really sound right to me. If it was me writing it I'd change that line to "from setting fire".

I also didn't think the word 'enjoy' really worked in the last stanza. Just after it you use the word 'flowing' which generally gives the idea of water or something, so I wonder if maybe you could do something more with that.
KidCanary is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-24-2013, 11:27 AM   #3
the bartender
Biologist
 
the bartender's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: the Netherlands
Quote:
Originally Posted by KidCanary
I think overall it's pretty good, but there were a couple bits that I think could be improved.

That 'to' just sticks out and doesn't really sound right to me. If it was me writing it I'd change that line to "from setting fire".
I can usually spot any grammar/spelling mistakes I make (not a native speaker), but I hadn't seen this one. Is it actually wrong to say "... it won't hold us back to set fire ..."? Now that you've mentioned it I feel that it is, but I'm not entirely sure.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KidCanary
I also didn't think the word 'enjoy' really worked in the last stanza. Just after it you use the word 'flowing' which generally gives the idea of water or something, so I wonder if maybe you could do something more with that.
I think I get what you mean. Maybe I'd have to substitute it for something that means I'm 'taking it in'. That way the words would flow from her lips, into my body, where they can rearrange my bones. I'll think about it.

Thank you!
__________________
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children

You must not do it anymore
the bartender is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-24-2013, 09:54 PM   #4
unicornicopia
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
I liked it, it was just pretty good until the last stanza. That's what made it really great, I thought.
unicornicopia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-25-2013, 08:25 AM   #5
KidCanary
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by the bartender
I can usually spot any grammar/spelling mistakes I make (not a native speaker), but I hadn't seen this one. Is it actually wrong to say "... it won't hold us back to set fire ..."? Now that you've mentioned it I feel that it is, but I'm not entirely sure.


It's wrong by 'normal' usage of the language, but with lyrics and poetry not everything has to be completely correct. To me that line seemed a bit awkward because of it but that may just be a personal thing.

Quote:
I think I get what you mean. Maybe I'd have to substitute it for something that means I'm 'taking it in'. That way the words would flow from her lips, into my body, where they can rearrange my bones. I'll think about it.


Yeah, I think that would work better. Again though, it's just a personal thing.
KidCanary is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-25-2013, 02:30 PM   #6
the bartender
Biologist
 
the bartender's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: the Netherlands
Quote:
Originally Posted by unicornicopia
I liked it, it was just pretty good until the last stanza. That's what made it really great, I thought.
Thanks !

Quote:
Originally Posted by KidCanary
It's wrong by 'normal' usage of the language, but with lyrics and poetry not everything has to be completely correct. To me that line seemed a bit awkward because of it but that may just be a personal thing.
Well I prefer correctness, so I've altered it. Thank you!
__________________
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children

You must not do it anymore
the bartender is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-28-2013, 07:18 PM   #7
Eccer
Serial Lurker
 
Eccer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Finally got time to comment on this. I like it better now, by just adding "as we set fire" you managed to create this piece...into a pretty one!

Overall, simple and effective, good flow and great imagery
Eccer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-28-2013, 08:32 PM   #8
SlashGirl107
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
this is really good i love it
SlashGirl107 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-29-2013, 04:30 AM   #9
the bartender
Biologist
 
the bartender's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: the Netherlands
Thank you very much!
__________________
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children

You must not do it anymore
the bartender is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:41 PM.

Forum Archives / About / Terms of Use / Advertise / Contact / Ultimate-Guitar.Com © 2014
Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.0.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.