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Old 01-16-2013, 10:35 PM   #1
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
 
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Hometowns

Everyone’s returning now,
but, instead of suitcases,
they arrive in backpacks
with clothes for numbered days
because their home is somewhere else now
and hometowns become escapades.
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Old 01-19-2013, 04:28 AM   #2
jaybearch
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Join Date: Jan 2013
I liked this a lot, mainly because of how much you fit thematically into 6 lines. I feel with the small word count, though, words like 'but' and 'because' detract from the poem more than they would in a longer piece. I get the purpose they serve, but it could give the poem more stopping power to remove them. It would take away from the flow you've established, however, so it's simply something to consider. I would, at the very least, take a look at the 'because' in the fifth line, because I do think here is something to be gained from removing it. I do enjoy this piece as well as the story you are trying to tell, though, so nice job
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Old 01-19-2013, 07:15 PM   #3
smartalecG94
UG's Resident MoonMoon
 
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Chasing a stick
This is my life now...T.T you hit it right on the head man.
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