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Old 10-11-2013, 11:14 AM   #1
Oddpod11
The Ill-Tempered Slurve
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Montana
Statues

Sheltered statues standing on sunlit shores
Stay resolute in their wisdom of wars
Swearing to truth to be resolute
Steadfast they stand solemn in their salute
Hailing virtue as victorious
And defeat as inglorious

Hail to them for being strong
And curse at them for being wrong





I've had it for a year now without disliking anything badly enough to change it. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
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Old 10-13-2013, 02:50 PM   #2
mojomike
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Location: Canada
Short, simple, love the alliteration. If I were to pick any bones it would be with the phrase "wisdom of wars". What does it mean to have wisdom "of war"? As a result of war? That was my interpretation with it seeming like it was compressed down just to fit the meter. The result in my opinion is slight ambiguity. But since I can't offer a better solution, I'll let it slide

Can't say I agree with the overall sentiment (or at least how I interpretted it after the final line), but overall there isn't a single weak line. Very well structured.

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Lyrics:
Letter to Laura
Untitled
If I was Robert Smith
For You

my attempt at free-verse:
So There It Is
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Old 10-17-2013, 03:18 PM   #3
AngryGoldfish
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Location: Ireland
I have no problem with this. Short work is often as good as a more elaborated piece. The concluding line is the teeth-sinker. Very nice work, man.
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Old 10-17-2013, 04:54 PM   #4
crazysam23_Atax
Burning away
 
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Excellent! I especially liked the last 2 lines. It's like a "two sides of the same coin" kind of thing. Praise, curse.

The phrase "wisdom of war" is slightly ambiguous, and I'm not sure if that was intentional. If non-intentional, maybe edit it slightly.


Crit my song lyrics please?
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Last edited by crazysam23_Atax : 10-17-2013 at 04:59 PM.
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