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Old 01-19-2013, 04:00 PM   #21
ChemicalFire
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Everything seems fine in the second verse till the last line
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Old 01-19-2013, 04:10 PM   #22
bladefinor
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChemicalFire
Everything seems fine in the second verse till the last line

Fine as in "hmm... I understand what it means", or that it's just as good as the first verse? Sorry, not trying to be rude. I just need to know
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Old 01-19-2013, 04:13 PM   #23
ChemicalFire
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Well the first verse kinda means something in an abstract way.

But "The sighs I make, they scream to embrace" doesn't really mean anything.

Scream to embrace what? The eyes? The night?

You have no subject in that sentence, which would be fine if the line wasn't a little bland and clunky.
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Old 01-19-2013, 04:37 PM   #24
bladefinor
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChemicalFire
Well the first verse kinda means something in an abstract way.

But "The sighs I make, they scream to embrace" doesn't really mean anything.

Scream to embrace what? The eyes? The night?

You have no subject in that sentence, which would be fine if the line wasn't a little bland and clunky.

Actually it was meant to blend into the chorus. "...They scream to embrace YOUR height of hope...". Get it? Anyways, I've changed the chorus a bit. Better now?

Nights are pounding
Through my eyes
The signs I make
They scream to embrace

[Chorus]
Your smile of hope, it makes me bright
Like a shine to make our faith
Hold on together and forever
I prey that you feel the same

Oh God, please tell I'm sane
This bridge between us might
Fall apart unless we bring in
Our will to make this right

Last edited by bladefinor : 01-19-2013 at 04:54 PM.
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Old 01-21-2013, 03:00 PM   #25
bladefinor
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Alright. Bumpidy-bump!

Here's the full lyrics. Can you make any sense out of it?

The blinding light you make
Your smile, it feels so safe
Yeah, it's like a spectrum
Of hope, it tears me

Nights are pounding
Through my dreams
The signs I make
They scream to embrace you

Hoping that you want to see
Our presence become true

[Chorus]
Your smile is strong, it makes me bright
Like a shine to make our faith
Hold on together and forever
I pray that you feel the same

Oh God, please tell me I'm sane
This bridge between us might
Fall apart unless we bring in
Our will to make this right

The days we spend together
A rainbow will pass by
Yeah, I see it with my naked eye
It's probably a sign that this is true

[Breakdown]

(Woah)
Your face, it makes me bright
So bright I can't stop smile
That you and me are here
To stay within our names

Of trust and hope, I bet
You want to feel the same
The past is gone, but I know
It is set in stone, but please stand by

Last edited by bladefinor : 01-22-2013 at 02:19 PM.
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Old 01-25-2013, 05:02 PM   #26
bladefinor
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Really need someone's last input on this. Made some more changes:

Quote:
The blinding light you make
Your smile, it feels so safe
Yeah, it's like a spectrum
Of hope, it tears me

Nights are pounding
Through my dreams
The signs I make
They scream to embrace you

Hoping that you want to see
Me being around you

[Chorus]
Your smile is strong, it makes me bright
Like a shine to make our faith
Hold on together and forever
I pray that you feel the same

Oh God, please tell me I'm sane
This bridge between us might
Fall apart unless we bring in
Our will to make this right

[Breakdown]

The days we'll spend together
A rainbow will pass by
I could see it with my naked eyes
It's probably a sign that this is real

[Chorus 2]
Your face, it makes me bright
So bright it keeps me awake
That you and me are here
To stay within our names

Of trust and hope, I bet
You want to feel the same
The past is gone, but I know that,
Though it's set in stone, please stand by


Thanks in advance!

Last edited by bladefinor : 01-25-2013 at 05:05 PM.
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Old 01-25-2013, 11:55 PM   #27
ChrisBG
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Just a couple of notes, OP.

I wouldn't be too concerned about people understanding it on a read through - at least in one sense. What you want to do is paint a picture and create images in peoples head. Generally if you do a good job of that, the songs message will get across, though it still may have many different meanings to different people around the same themes.

That said, this is a very clear song to me. This is just my personal preference, but in the future look out for ways you can create a moment or go back to a situation or one tiny thing that makes it special for you - and build something out of that. Your song is built from many sort of general phrases that can sort of blend together, all sort of saying the same thing. Your smile, being together, rainbow, you know, I'm not getting huge images here. I don't feel any insight or an experience.

When you mention anything like a rainbow or a smile or something you need significance and context. No lyric will ever be 'bad' or 'cheesy' if it means something special to you because it comes through in the writing - but you have to think of it in a deep analytical way. What did you learn from the experience? Who are you because of her, or who are you not, who were you trying to be, why, why not? Where were you? Any significant places or smells or touches, or anything? Now that's not to say that every song should be everlasting dripping metaphors of locations and senses, but it's just all part of the thinking process. The bigger picture. You may never put those type of images into your song, but it will come through.

Feel free to play around with tenses, half lines, tease lines, paint something strong. Don't put in placeholder lines that more or less go over the same territory. Every line is precious. Every syllable is important. Say what you mean to say but say it in a way that brings out something in you. The more you do this, the tougher on yourself you will be when it comes to writing words, but you will eventually reach a point where you instinctively go for the gems.

Finally, don't be afraid to bring in other experiences into your songs. Even if you're writing a song about a girl, or a breakup, don't feel like every little verse and line should be exactly about her. You can branch out to other things, other experiences, other insights that relate to the girl or the moment, or how you feel. If you can find clever ways to bring it all together, you will have a good song. Be crafty about it.

Keep in mind that using cliches and all that stuff is perfectly acceptable - it's not really about the cliche or general thing itself, it's what its painted around. If you use it as a sort of throw-off into a deeper explaination or as a tag, or a hook or something then it can work pretty well, but when every line sounds real same-y that's when you need to step back a bit.

Sometimes all of this will make your song a painful experience to write, in terms of it really digging up some dirt. But that's good. If you're just sitting around writing in lyrics that sort of go with what you're feeling on a very ritualistic level, the song will have no weight, no real emotion. Sometimes writing a song is real hard work, real painful. Brings up all kinds of images that stay with you for a long time. Then you know you have a good song. Therapy in the arts, man.

All that said, this is just general stuff to think about in the future. Good luck with your songwriting.

Last edited by ChrisBG : 01-26-2013 at 12:13 AM.
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