10-23-2012, 01:06 AM
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#1 |
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x
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: mexico city
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SemaŠ (fine, well...)
you are one of the main characters in an epic poem
written by an unknown person in the XIII century. that's one of the many things i like about you [other things include (but are not limited to): constantly feeling blue, wearing small shoes and kicking around with drug dealing crews] though that probably has nothing to do with anything. upon settling in a litterae thunderstorm, i stopped giving a damn about cold and wrong for i was delighted like a mexican child in the snow. upon falling assleep on the first row of a roman amphitheatre i realized i cared not for when's a song or past tense cadence shows or future provokes but for how sometimes in those blurrynsleep states you glow a glimpse of how beauty is formed. and all is redone (or at least i think so). like a humbebious plumphy, i- our words don't even make sense now but please buy a dictionary to improve your diction especially when writing my fiction or sucking an indie lit circle clit screaming "Don't!" and "Stop!" because you can't get any enemies or anyone to get it with, right once someone said something like: 'we shall not dwell into semantics' it was probably someone with lots of freetime probably someone who signs letters with 'sincerely, Bloomfield from Springfield with missery reminiscent of the Simpsons' or something like that and so on with the misters, everything's empty and insane. i laugh hard at circles. |
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10-23-2012, 07:25 AM
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#2 |
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one among the Fence
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Star IV
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I'm in two minds about this. I feel it lacks something, and I also feel the style gets in the way a lot more than enhances, and yet, I found myself really enjoying parts. The strange rhyming sections, especially in the first stanza, are weirdly charming and I really love the final stanza.
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10-24-2012, 02:06 PM
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#3 |
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x
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: mexico city
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this was fun experimentation. language exploration. i don't see how the style gets in the way. i actually don't understand that phrase, it gets in the way of what? i think the style is a fundamental part of this. it was fun. glad you could enjoy parts of this. thank you much for reading
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10-24-2012, 06:20 PM
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#4 |
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one among the Fence
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Star IV
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I just feel at times it felt like "style for style's sake", if you know what I mean. Some of the misspellings and the like are quite clever and flow nicely, while others just felt forced or unnecessary, thereby detracting from the piece or "getting in the way of the substance", so to speak. It's definitely not bad, and as an experiment it mostly works, but I still feel it's not as confident as your other works that deftly balance substance with hints of this kind of experimentation. It's a better balance, in my opinion. But if you had fun writing it, at the end of the day, that's the most important thing.
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10-29-2012, 05:31 PM
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#5 |
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x
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: mexico city
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i think this was one of the better pieces i've written lately, to be honest. thank you for your comments
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11-07-2012, 12:42 PM
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#6 |
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DT's Feminist Mom
Join Date: Sep 2006
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i just want to kiss you. you are funny. we'll meet one day. that last line fucking nailed it in a way I really admire. I think you could make it even loopier - maybe play with the first four lines a bit, there's something almost clunky about them.
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GOODBYE BLUE MONDAY
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