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Old 01-25-2013, 03:44 PM   #1
DaDude450
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A Leveled Loss

C4C? Post a link and I will let you know what I think! Still considering a big change (or even omission) of the first stanza here. Any constructive feedback would be great.
.......................
Iíve got a notebook and Iíve got pain,
A rousing suspicion and being insane.
One tense look inside turned vibrant and stark,
Show me to your life, show me to the dark.

Explain the process and **** their thoughts,
Take me into style and steer this ship toward rocks.
Inside this one more loss worn with pride,
No need for a regard, infinteless slide

So hereís a toast and hereís to excess
A burden that I wear with pride
Execute me now in honest time
And please leave all your shit inside.

A stupid thought and an endless mind
This ravaged world is reading blind
And hopeful thoughts thrown aside
This leveled loss I call mine.
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Old 01-27-2013, 07:28 AM   #2
the bartender
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Here's my view on this. I've bolded some changes that I would make, though they're just personal things.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DaDude450
Iíve got a notebook and Iíve got pain, I'd personally use another word instead of 'pain' here
A rousing suspicion of being insane. Don't you dare omit this stanza, these two lines are great!
One tense look inside turned vibrant and stark,
Show me to your life, show me to the dark.

Explain the process and **** their thoughts,
Take me into style and steer this ship toward rocks. this line doesn't really seem to flow well.
Inside this, one more loss worn with pride,
No need for a regard, infiniteless slide maybe it's just me, but I couldn't make sense of this line

So hereís a toast and hereís to excess this is a good line
A burden that I wear with pride The sudden change of rhyming pattern here is rather confusing. This line is also pretty much the same as the 3rd line in the last stanza
Execute me now in honest time
And please leave all your shit inside. I think this is a bit generic

A stupid thought and an endless mind
This ravaged world is reading blind
And hopeful thoughts are thrown aside
This leveled loss that I call mine. adding these words makes it flow better imo


There's some really good lines in there, some okay ones and some that make me cringe a little bit . I think it's got some great potential though!
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