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Old 11-24-2012, 10:44 AM   #1
#1 synth
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Zoe

for most of the night
dancing figure cut
with beams of light;
an acoustic set of healing chords,
weaves body language sheet music
we tap feet to unconsciously;
wraps the bare walls up,
seals the windows leaking heat,
beacons in her shadow,
resonating like a warm wind stirs a field of wheat;
a joyful reverence
for the infinite
call to arms
to bring color to the colorless

for most of the the night;
laugh that wildfire that burns away the underbrush and wills the saplings rise,
skin that barn-house in Iowa whose red paint guise never seems to falter,
hair strands are those fireflies that haunt the Georgia skies,
and eyes contain a sparrow’s first flight, awkward and triumphant, small being
being filled with wonder and surprise

for most of the night she is a flaming bush,
an autumn thrush,
the early morning dew,
the twilight dust,
but after each shadow has been extinguished,
and i stand there like a child fumbling to unzip her dress,
and as the straps fall off her shoulders and she steps naked from the cloth,
she runs her fingers through my spirit
lifts my chin enough
for me to watch her dissipate
as her human form, overflowing and supremely bright
is again forsaken
to return to walk this world as moonlight
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Last edited by #1 synth : 11-26-2012 at 07:22 PM.
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Old 11-24-2012, 10:46 AM   #2
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one of those things you write on buses between boston and new york to a girl who you know will never get a chance to read it
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Old 11-25-2012, 10:35 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by #1 synth
one of those things you write on buses between boston and new york to a girl who you know will never get a chance to read it

I know the feeling.



This is very good, I really enjoyed reading that. One of those pieces that makes me regret being a lazy writer and at the same time look forward to reading/writing something, reliving a moment like that.
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Old 11-26-2012, 07:22 PM   #4
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huge edit. check it out.

also, thanks man, anything you want me to check out?
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Old 11-26-2012, 08:21 PM   #5
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I'll get to this tomorrow.
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Old 11-27-2012, 07:30 PM   #6
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my problem is that this is still coming off as way too cliche for my liking. i generally strive to be more original than this, but perhaps a love poem necessitates the slightly cliche. maybe i should just cut out the middle portion?
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Old 11-27-2012, 09:17 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by #1 synth
for most of the night
dancing figure cut
with beams of light;
an acoustic set of healing chords,
weaves body language sheet music
we tap feet to unconsciously;
wraps the bare walls up,
seals the windows leaking heat,
beacons in her shadow,
resonating like a warm wind stirs a field of wheat;
a joyful reverence
for the infinite
call to arms
to bring color to the colorless

I love the tone and feel this gives off, the imagery is pretty unique for such a piece. I'm not quite digging the few parts at the start you seem to skip words, grammar. The first 3 lines especially. "Unconsciously" is that correct, or if that is the line itself, I keep stumbling over it. The rest reads great and sounds great. Then the final line, is there a way to change colourless? Idk perhaps my old pretentious self wants to find something different there, something funky.


for most of the the night;
laugh that wildfire that burns away the underbrush and wills the saplings rise,
skin that barn-house in Iowa whose red paint guise never seems to falter,
hair strands are those fireflies that haunt the Georgia skies,
and eyes contain a sparrow’s first flight, awkward and triumphant, small being
being filled with wonder and surprise

I'm indifferent about this. I love the imagery, but something just doesn't seem right, the longer sentences maybe. It's more the last line, the double 'being' just I can't put my finger on it. I think it lacks the control that the first stanza and the last has, I can get the loss of control of feelings when in the situation, but if you were mirroring this in the piece then why in the middle?

for most of the night she is a flaming bush,
an autumn thrush,
the early morning dew,
the twilight dust,
but after each shadow has been extinguished,
and i stand there like a child fumbling to unzip her dress,
and as the straps fall off her shoulders and she steps naked from the cloth,
she runs her fingers through my spirit
lifts my chin enough
for me to watch her dissipate
as her human form, overflowing and supremely bright
is again forsaken
to return to walk this world as moonlight

The twilight dust was such a let down, loved the three previous. And the rest after is stunning, loved the chin line, just so out of the blue... Didn't like supremely bright though, it lacked something, or it's just a tiny bit cliche, and the last line, great in what it says but it's heavy handed, the double 'to' maybe "returning to walk this world as moonlight" your shout.


Dylan, this worked on so many levels, enjoyed it, a lot. Keep it up bro.

Looks like I'm nesting.
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