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Old 12-04-2013, 03:33 AM   #1
bluesybilly
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WotW - Hemingway Would Probably Hate Me

You know you've made it
when you can measure your success
by the bottles in the trash.
Cambria Chardonnay, Border Bourbon,
Spotted Cow, Breckenridge,
and a couple Miller Lite's.

A couple words on a page
aren't worth their weight these days
like they used to be.
No one seems to care
what a drunk has to say
quite like they used to.

Catch a buzz and write it down
doesn't seem to do the trick anymore.
It's hard to compete
with all these fedoras and mustaches,
as they fill the page with nothing
and empty out their glasses.

Light a cigarette.
put it out.
say you'll quit.
Light another.

Last edited by bluesybilly : 12-05-2013 at 08:42 PM.
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Old 12-04-2013, 09:39 AM   #2
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****ing awesome. i might cut "No one seems to care,
what a drunk has to say,
quite like they used to. " as it seems redundant and implied by the rest, but the rest is gold.
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Old 12-04-2013, 11:35 AM   #3
seventh_angel
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I don't think I ever said this to you but I love your style. You're one of the few people I know who write about self-deprecation in a blunt way that sounds honest, without sounding whiny. I'm just gonna edit it to clean all the excessive punctuation. Hope you don't mind.


Quote:
Originally Posted by bluesybilly
You know you've made it
when you can measure your success
by the bottles in the trash.
Cambria Chardonnay, Border Bourbon,
Spotted Cow, Breckenridge,
and a couple Miller Lite's.

A couple words on a page
aren't worth their weight these days
like they used to be.
No one seems to care
what a drunk has to say
quite like they used to.

Catch a buzz and write it down
doesn't seem to do the trick anymore.
It's hard to compete
with all these fedoras and mustaches,
as they fill the page with nothing
and empty out their glasses.

Light a cigarette.
put it out.
say you'll quit.
Light another.


You don't need commas after every line. Do whatever you want with this
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Old 12-05-2013, 02:32 AM   #4
circular.parade
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sure, why not? nice little piece.
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Old 12-05-2013, 12:08 PM   #5
hippieboy444
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i hate all the commas. otherwise, i would recommend replacing the title and using that line somewhere in the piece itself. as a title, it already tells me too much about what you're going to say.
nice read though, thanks.
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Old 12-05-2013, 08:43 PM   #6
bluesybilly
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Thanks guys, I took your advice on the commas. I tend to do that on every piece, bad habit I suppose.
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Old 12-06-2013, 12:01 AM   #7
ChemicalFire
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Really like this, I don't know much about writing lyrics... but I know I like this.
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Old 12-06-2013, 06:05 PM   #8
vintage x metal
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The honesty kills.
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Old 12-06-2013, 07:03 PM   #9
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the last stanza is my favorite, perfect flow
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Old 12-11-2013, 11:01 PM   #10
bluesybilly
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Thanks guys!
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Old 12-18-2013, 04:16 PM   #11
Jammydude44
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Just to add my two cents and say I don't believe I am in the same boat of enthusiasm as the rest. With pieces so on the nose as this I always believe there needs to be something aurally majestic, which I don't think really happens here. For me it's a bit flat. I mean, it's S+L gold, but I've been more interested by other things you've written and for me this was lacking a bit of pep. But I seem to be in the minority

Congrats
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Old 12-18-2013, 06:46 PM   #12
Carmel
 
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I think the stanzas ruin the flow. This whole piece is one statement. I would make it so.

But this is great. Best I have read from you. I do favour writing under the influence, mind you.
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