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Old 07-12-2014, 03:18 PM   #2021
hippieboy444
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i'm really sorry to hear all this. people are really confusing and great and flawed. but it is always good to gain experience and to learn from them - that's really the joy of being alive, to figure things out, even if it is difficult and straining and painful. maybe i am naive and idealistic.

i hope things look up for you. i wish i had more to say that could be comforting or poignant, but i cant muster anything.

also, im putting together some poems for a zine my friend and i are doing. would anyone be interested in helping me edit? we could exchange emails. would be appreciated
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Last edited by hippieboy444 : 07-13-2014 at 10:17 PM.
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Old 07-16-2014, 10:49 AM   #2022
Bleed Away
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Location: the alley at dawn
Just found out that I have done significantly worse than I did in my first two years at university.
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Old 07-16-2014, 04:19 PM   #2023
AngryGoldfish
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If your mind is as hurt as it is now, of course your results are going to be affected. I know that makes matters worse for you since you're so passionate about your work, but you need to talk to a professional about it so that you can refocus on improving your studies again.

The situation you're in is really tough, mate. I know things will change, and although it may not get better for a long time, change will be enough for you to come out the other side. I know what it's like to see someone you care about, or even used to care about, disregard you so blankly, but you become tougher as a result. Did I want to become tougher? Sure, but I didn't want to do it the way I did it. But that's the way it is. Don't let hitting rock bottom be the better of you. You don't need to be there and can change it, slowly but surely.
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Old 07-18-2014, 11:28 AM   #2024
Bleed Away
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I would like to thank everyone here for all of their help and support. I don't know, I guess I just feel like the way my life is going now I will probably die alone and unfulfilled. I am not even an emotionally needy type (it is against my very nature) but I feel like I need someone in my life. Someone that can help me see things through a new perspective, someone that I can talk to about everything (at any time), someone that really understands me, someone that I can go out with... Because I grew up alone (hardly ever living the house due to bad circumstances), I became to accustomed to it. It too me losing my former best female friend (the closest thing to a girlfriend I have ever had in my life) to see how terrible my life had been up to that point.

I never knew what loneliness was. And now I do. But it goes far deeper than just loneliness. Basically, everything that has made me the great man that I was, I now resent. I spent more time, in my head, contemplating my loneliness and planning my ways of how to find such a significant other that it has completely messed up my cognitive functioning. What I have turned into isn't the me of three years ago that would push himself to his limits and beyond to make sure that hes the best at his field. I am no longer the person that would see the light in the most unforgiving of tunnels.

At the same time, I have done A LOT of positive things for myself during this very difficult period, and I am very proud of myself. If I can combine these positive characteristics with the positive characteristics of my previous self, I would be a even better person that I ever was.
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Old 07-21-2014, 05:15 PM   #2025
AngryGoldfish
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And that takes time, Fred. It will take you years to develop the man you know you can be. For me, every day feels like a better chance to prove myself. Proving that I have the salt to live and the intelligence and emotional sensitivity to be a good person is very important to me and is always in my mind in one way or another. I think to myself, yesterday's Daniel was a clown. He was foolish and selfish. Today's Daniel, on the other hand, is smart, selfless and kind. But tomorrow I'll feel the same way about yesterday, which is today. I've been going on like this for years, slowly growing and growing. I'd regularly take a few steps back and have a relapse, but despite my slow progress, I'm making progress. People might not see that, but I do.

Don't beat yourself up if you're not settled at 30, or 40 or 50. I'm 25 and nowhere near settled, yet my sister is almost five years younger than me and was settled this time last year. My brother is two years older than me and is even more unsettled than I am. Everyone grows at different rates. And I know that you feel like you need someone now, and you doŚwe all doŚbut don't put so much weight into it. I've had to learn that myself. Don't place all your eggs in one basket. That basket is likely to fall at some point and you'll need something to catch you. Whether it be education, career, friends, creativity, money, travelling, whatever, find something to fall back on. That is about building yourself up as an individual, not as a couple.
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Old 07-24-2014, 11:54 AM   #2026
vintage x metal
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What's beautiful about human experience is that we have will, and with that comes the potential to change. Changing yourself also involves changing your environment - sometimes that's as simple as putting yourself in a new one. But it's never really 'simple'.


This time 4 years ago, I had gotten out of the psychiatric ward after overdosing on painkillers in attempts to kill myself, been sent to Bangladesh immediately afterward for 6 weeks for my cousin's wedding, and then had come back to Blacksburg only to be raped by an old high school 'friend', a case that never will be brought to justice.

I'm a lot better now for it. I would have probably been a pretty bland person had nothing happened to me. What once hurt me so much, kept me from sleeping and eating and talking as I had known how to for so much of my life, now gives me so much strength. I even enjoy looking back at my poetry from these periods. Strife gave me the impetus to change.

You are awake now in a way you were not before. Take advantage of that.








okay, what I had initially came to post was that I got a graduate assistantship through the university which means I'll be pursuing a MS in Gender Studies here in Blacksburg for the next two years It has been my dream to get paid to be a student, and now it's happening (I wouldn't have been able to afford school without funding, and because of budget cuts, there was none available in my department when I applied.) I wanted to let you guys know so that you keep in mind a visit to Blacksburg: I would love to house any of you if you were willing to make the trip. Appalachia is a beautiful, beautiful place and this little town is an amazing microcosm of density which fosters some really interesting results. Also I'd really like to spend time with the lot of you at some point in my life, and while I'm rooted here for at least another two years, I wanted to put it out there. Erich has been here a couple times at this point and I think he can vouch for me heh
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Old 07-24-2014, 06:19 PM   #2027
Bleed Away
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Join Date: Feb 2006
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Thank you all for the very kind and supportive words, they really do mean a lot. It means a lot because most of you know me better than people that I know in real life, mainly because I have been posting very personal poems about myself here for a good period of my life.

I am very sorry to hear that, Saadia! That is really tragic, especially with regards to the rape. I remember speaking to you around this time, four years ago (back when the Ultimate-Guitar instant messenger was a thing) and you wrote in a calm and reserved manner despite all that was happening - and, I think, it was during the period when you posted a picture of you wearing some rather gorgeous earrings.

I am really happy that you managed to grow from it; I think, tragic events, such as the one you posted, can either lead to a person's downfall or it can make that person become a much stronger person. It looks like you achieved the latter, and you have inspired me to try and do the same.

And WELL DONE for getting that studentship! I actually thought you were more into science (IIRC, you majored or minored in biochemistry). But, considering your feminist background (and the topics you sometimes write about) Gender Studies is very much right up your alley. I wish you all the best!
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Old 07-26-2014, 02:13 PM   #2028
pixiesfanyo
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vintage x metal
okay, what I had initially came to post was that I got a graduate assistantship through the university which means I'll be pursuing a MS in Gender Studies here in Blacksburg for the next two years It has been my dream to get paid to be a student, and now it's happening (I wouldn't have been able to afford school without funding, and because of budget cuts, there was none available in my department when I applied.) I wanted to let you guys know so that you keep in mind a visit to Blacksburg: I would love to house any of you if you were willing to make the trip. Appalachia is a beautiful, beautiful place and this little town is an amazing microcosm of density which fosters some really interesting results. Also I'd really like to spend time with the lot of you at some point in my life, and while I'm rooted here for at least another two years, I wanted to put it out there. Erich has been here a couple times at this point and I think he can vouch for me heh


I used to date a girl from Blacksburg. Seems like a super strange place.
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Old Today, 03:19 AM   #2029
brokencoastline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vintage x metal
Also I'd really like to spend time with the lot of you at some point in my life, and while I'm rooted here for at least another two years, I wanted to put it out there. Erich has been here a couple times at this point and I think he can vouch for me heh


I was just talking with someone about how I missed Blacksburg and you and your husband. I just got back from a couple weeks on the road but once I've been settled back in for a while, I'd love to try to make the trip again. Anyone else that gets the chance should absolutely take it.
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Old Today, 02:10 PM   #2030
jiminizzle
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I legitimately almost called you early saturday morning about a place to sleep for a couple hours--I was overnighting it 12 hours from memphis to charlottesville to get to work saturday afternoon. had met up with a girl in Chicago last weekend and journeyed down to her new place in memphis for a few days. She's incredible. The drive away was surreal. The dim cliff faces near bristol. The fog in the sunrise south of Roanoke. What a world.
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