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Old 04-03-2015, 03:05 AM   #8401
megano28
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Originally Posted by kikaykitko
I think part of it that I also have this idealistic expectation of what our communication should look like and how our priorities should be equal to each other. Realistically, we're not the type to sit down and hash everything out in one go. It works when we nag each other, which isn't ideal but both of us are reserved in the first place anyway so it takes a while to pry each other open. And there are things important to him that I don't find important, vice versa, and things we both care about. I guess it's just a matter of manning each priority either by ourselves or together, as long as someone's minding the important matters like finances or health.

I also have this expectation that we take care of our own shit first, then of each other. The whole you can't love someone else if you can't love yourself thing. But I'm starting to realize that maybe it's okay for us to take care of things for each other? Like, he takes care of a lot of things for me (I never worry about rent or safety) so it would make sense if I took care of shit like setting his doctor's appointments for him (which he said I should otherwise he won't).

I don't know. We just celebrated our 7th anniversary last week but I feel like we're just starting out since the first 4-5 years were long distance. I think we're doing well for the most part, needs work in some areas but it's not bad at all. It's kinda nice actually, I think I'm better equipped to be in this stage of our relationship at 24 than I would have been at 17-18.


Maybe your personalities don't allow for the "I need *list*", but it doesn't mean you can't have a line open. That being said, I do feel you have your avenues, but you just haven't found the labels and street signs just yet. If it's an ideal, then it can be a goal. While it's not always wise to expect a perfect manifestation, once you've come to terms with what your perfect scenario is, you can compare it to the real world, and see if it's possible to work out. A personality clash isn't enough to warrant an excuse there.

And I don't want to be demeaning or patronizing, but I don't think you understand what that saying is meant to convey. It's not about being able to be completely independent before allowing someone in your circle. It's more about not needing to distract your own deficiencies by finding someone to love. The problem many people have is that they choose to relentlessly pursue someone else, because they've agreed on some subconscious level, that being loved by that person is a validation of themselves.

When you decide to enter a relationship, you're not only signing up for sex and kisses and warmth of another person. You're also saying that you've found this person interesting enough so that you want to begin forming a cohesive unit with them. You're nurturing this idea of a team that, when it runs correctly, is self-sustaining and seamless. A part of that is acknowledging that this you'll be good at things your partner isn't, and vice-versa. That's perfectly okay, and helps you focus on bettering one another. Just like puzzle pieces aren't all identical, yet still manage to interlock and create a picture. You can't look at a relationship as two individuals running side by side. If anything, it's two people attempting to become something bigger. The word 'something' being singular.

Basically, it's okay to take care of his appointments. It's okay to cook for the both of you. It's perfectly fine if he deals with the finances. It's okay to depend on the person you love. That's why you love them. The problem is when you literally can't function without that person. That's the line between healthy and unhealthy. But dependency isn't inherently bad. It's a part of trusting someone and looking to the long term.

And I don't know how the long distance was arranged, but physically being near someone in a relationship changes the dynamic. It's more raw and less polished. You can hide the things you don't want the other person to see when they're so many miles away, but up close, you're exposed and those flaws will come out. I am glad that you've meshed so well after finally making it regular, because that's when it counts.
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Old 04-09-2015, 12:30 AM   #8402
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I've been seeing an awesome girl for about a month and a half and her birthday is at the end of this month (it will be two months at that time).

We have kind of a unique relationship though: we definitely have a connection and have expressed that we both have feelings for each other, but we aren't really committing ourselves to one another and can see other people if we want. We talk daily, but don't get too many chances to see each other just due to conflicting schedules.

Anyway, I want to get her something for her birthday but I'm not sure what would be appropriate because I've never had this kind of relationship before. She has been really into the idea of getting framed butterflies and beetles lately so I was thinking of that, which are anywhere between the $30-$70 range. Would that be too much?

I would love any other suggestions.


EDIT

Actually the beetles are MUCH less expensive which, considering we will only have been seeing each other for two months might be more appropriate, but still I would love some input.
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Old 04-09-2015, 06:14 AM   #8403
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seems like you've got it all figured out man. go for the cheaper ones. it's still something she's into and it's the thought that counts. besides, it's not like she'll ask you about the price
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Old 04-10-2015, 06:33 AM   #8404
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Ok everyone, bouncing a hypothetical scenario here.....

I've been seeing a girl for about 2 months, she lives in a town about 2 hours drive from me. I honestly have no problems with the drive, but it does sometimes limit the amount of time we can spend with each other, and she has expressed a slight concern about it. We both have strong feelings for each other, and I feel we have a special connection.

So, a job opportunity has opened up in the town where she lives in my area of expertise. It's a 12 month contract, so basically, if I was successful in applying for it, after the 12 months is up, I either move back, or get another job somewhere else.

I really like the town she lives in, and would ultimately like to move there in any event. I guess what I'm trying to figure out, is if it's worth moving, or am I letting my heart get in the way of my head?
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Old 04-10-2015, 08:52 AM   #8405
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Is the job better paid/better in other ways than your current one (assuming you have one now)?

My point is after 2 months taking a job/moving to that town may seem abit full on if it was clear that you did it just to be closer to this girl who you've been 'seeing' (notice the wording you didnt say you were in a 'relationship').

If the job would further your career AND then make it easier with this girl then go for it imo, but there has to be something else in it rather than moving for her if you get me
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Old 04-10-2015, 09:22 AM   #8406
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Originally Posted by Shredx
Is the job better paid/better in other ways than your current one (assuming you have one now)?

My point is after 2 months taking a job/moving to that town may seem abit full on if it was clear that you did it just to be closer to this girl who you've been 'seeing' (notice the wording you didnt say you were in a 'relationship').

If the job would further your career AND then make it easier with this girl then go for it imo, but there has to be something else in it rather than moving for her if you get me


I work for the state government, it's a job at the same pay grade in the same field, basically just in a different location for 12 months essentially.

I use the term 'seeing' because I am woeful at describing relationship statuses. I think I really need to talk with her about that.

And yeah, makes sense it would be beneficial for my career, but moving again seems like a massive thing to do seeing as i only moved about 6 months ago.
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Originally Posted by ali.guitarkid7
I was raised on Winnie the Pooh. There's multiple vhs tapes somewhere in the world where I appear totally nude wearing only honey yellow bear ears and a red T-shirt singing the theme song to that show
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Old 04-10-2015, 09:38 AM   #8407
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Originally Posted by i_lovemetallica
I use the term 'seeing' because I am woeful at describing relationship statuses. I think I really need to talk with her about that.

And yeah, makes sense it would be beneficial for my career, but moving again seems like a massive thing to do seeing as i only moved about 6 months ago.


Haha yeah get on that talk if you wanna know for sure. May also be worth mentioning the job etc to her if you're thinking of this than more than a hypothetical.
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Old 04-10-2015, 08:35 PM   #8408
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Originally Posted by Shredx
Haha yeah get on that talk if you wanna know for sure. May also be worth mentioning the job etc to her if you're thinking of this than more than a hypothetical.


I spoke with her about the job today, she was really supportive of it if it's going to help my career. So, so far so good I guess?
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Old 04-10-2015, 10:47 PM   #8409
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Originally Posted by i_lovemetallica
I work for the state government, it's a job at the same pay grade in the same field, basically just in a different location for 12 months essentially.


Is it your only option, or do you have others? If this girl didn't live there, would you sincerely consider it?

Moving 2 hours for the same pay isn't a giant step in your career. It's convenient, but not something to look at as completely and independently beneficial to you and not you as a couple.

Think about it a little more.
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Old 04-10-2015, 10:54 PM   #8410
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Originally Posted by megano28
Is it your only option, or do you have others? If this girl didn't live there, would you sincerely consider it?

Moving 2 hours for the same pay isn't a giant step in your career. It's convenient, but not something to look at as completely and independently beneficial to you and not you as a couple.

Think about it a little more.


It's not really about the pay, I already get paid pretty well for someone of my age. It's in a slightly different role of my current job that I don't get to do (I work in the Court system, the town she lives in has a larger court that has a more varied caseload than what I work with now)

If she didn't live there, I would probably still consider it, but I was considering doing it in another year or so. In my current role I've often felt like I'm not challenged enough. This new job would be a good opportunity to improve that. And it's only 12 months, and if things don't work out, my current job will still be here when that finishes up
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Old 04-14-2015, 07:06 AM   #8411
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I judge my girlfriend for tweeting lots. It's probably down to my own insecurities of losing her. Maybe I'm scared that she's reaching out to others for validation. Maybe I think she can be self-centered and loves to talk about herself and I judge her for that. I stopped being so out there on social media, generally, when we got together. I'm an introvert and she's an extrovert - maybe I should quit whining and accept who she is in this regard.

I don't want (and can't, of course) to stop her voicing her opinions, talking to people, going out, etc. I'd never want that.

Either way, my snarky comments come through and I'm finding it hard to control. I love her and I don't want to lose her. Maybe that manifests itself in this. I just feel like I'm awful and controlling.

Any thoughts?
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Old 04-14-2015, 07:13 AM   #8412
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Originally Posted by Bullet-Rule
I judge my girlfriend for tweeting lots. It's probably down to my own insecurities of losing her. Maybe I'm scared that she's reaching out to others for validation. Maybe I think she's self-centered and loves to talk about herself and I judge her for that. I stopped being so out there on social media, generally, when we got together. I'm an introvert and she's an extrovert - maybe I should quit whining and accept who she is in this regard.

I don't want (and can't, of course) to stop her voicing her opinions, talking to people, going out, etc. I'd never want that.

Either way, my snarky comments come through and I'm finding it hard to control. I love her and I don't want to lose her. Maybe that manifests itself in this. I just feel like I'm awful and controlling.

Any thoughts?


It sounds like you're being quite possessive. Depends what her tweets are about though, if they're massively flirty, I can understand why you might feel some envy, if they're just normal things people tweet about, then really think about why they're making you feel that way.

If it's because the tweets are flirty/suggestive, sit down and explain to her in a calm manner how the tweets make you feel. It may well be that she hasn't realised how her actions are impacting on you.
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I was raised on Winnie the Pooh. There's multiple vhs tapes somewhere in the world where I appear totally nude wearing only honey yellow bear ears and a red T-shirt singing the theme song to that show
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Old 04-14-2015, 07:20 AM   #8413
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Yeah, they're not flirty or suggestive.

I think I can be a judgemental guy. She's my first major girlfriend and I've spent the most of my 25 years alone, so I think I learnt to deal with the world with my own fairly rigid guidelines.

Maybe I just get jealous that other guys talk to her on there.

I know I need to get my head straight - it's on me

Is thinking she's a bit of a narcissist just a defence mechanism for myself? Projecting, perhaps? I think I'm pretty self-aware.
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Old 04-14-2015, 07:34 AM   #8414
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Originally Posted by Bullet-Rule
Yeah, they're not flirty or suggestive.

I think I can be a judgemental guy. She's my first major girlfriend and I've spent the most of my 25 years alone, so I think I learnt to deal with the world with my own fairly rigid guidelines.

Maybe I just get jealous that other guys talk to her on there.

I know I need to get my head straight - it's on me

Is thinking she's a bit of a narcissist just a defence mechanism for myself? Projecting, perhaps? I think I'm pretty self-aware.


Potentially, if it's your first serious relationship, it can be quite normal to be overly protective, or suspicious of any attention she receives from other men. As long as you realise that it's normal for people of both genders to talk to her like a human, then you should be fine.

It does sound like you're using her being a narcissist as an attempt to rationalise your way of thinking, and certainly thinking your own girlfriend is a narcissist isn't healthy for your relationship.
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Old 04-14-2015, 07:41 AM   #8415
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If anyone's the narcissist, it's me. I think we're great together.

My snarky thinking with regards to all the stuff we talked about is, I'm pretty sure, based on my own insecurities and of losing her - so why I continue I don't know. Life's much happier when I'm not questioning other people's intentions. And I really do trust her.

Thanks for your help. Was good to get a second opinion.
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