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Old 10-22-2012, 07:47 AM   #1
kdownes
one among the Fence
 
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Star IV
home

the road waltzes me home;

the trees fire a 21 gun salute as i step
deftly between
dropped beats and fallen leaves.
autumn breaks as only a heart can,
and the blood red detritus beneath my feet
mirrors my own bloodshot eyes.
i've been this way before,
scratched my name with impermanent partners
and ironic pierced hearts into the forever bark.

i wish only to turn around, but i know
beyond these eternal guardians and
familiar deadfall lies the great unknown and,
given the choice, i'd rather be
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Last edited by kdownes : 10-22-2012 at 11:00 PM.
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Old 10-22-2012, 06:43 PM   #2
seventh_angel
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Except for "forever trees", I really enjoyed this Kyle. The ending worked for me and you really managed to capture a feeling of despair and being lost. Only that line is too long and doesn't actually sound good to me.
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Old 10-22-2012, 11:00 PM   #3
kdownes
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Location: Star IV
I twisted that line around a little, Andre. Does that help?
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Old 10-23-2012, 10:14 PM   #4
seventh_angel
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It does sound better, but I can't get my head around what I don't like about those lines. The way it sounds better to me wouldn't be something along "I've scratched my name before with impermanent partners / and ironic pierced hearts into the forever bark", but maybe it doesn't work with what you want. Also, it can just be nitpicky of me
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Old 11-02-2012, 07:42 AM   #5
arthur_s
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Yes, i enjoyed it too. Sound very good to me
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