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Old 02-14-2013, 08:07 PM   #1
chud123
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Join Date: May 2010
untitled WIP

ive buried myself today
burned my flag to ashes
cast me upon the waves
ive read about but never seen
got lost in the dreams
of the men i know ill never be
but aint dreamin fun
when you spend your days smokin weed

and no im not alright
and no im not just fine
yes this smile is fake
but aint it pretty


just need a little criticism on what ive written so far, hoping it will kinda of point me in the right direction to finish it. c4c
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Old 02-14-2013, 08:46 PM   #2
madcaleb165
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Quote:
Originally Posted by chud123
ive buried myself today
burned my flag to ashes
cast me upon the waves
ive read about but never seen
got lost in the dreams
of the men i know ill never be
but aint dreamin fun
when you spend your days smokin weed

and no im not alright
and no im not just fine
yes this smile is fake
but aint it pretty


just need a little criticism on what ive written so far, hoping it will kinda of point me in the right direction to finish it. c4c


I love it up till the "When you spend your days smoking weed". You should continue along with the theme. It's very good and reminds me, for some reason, of "Politicians" by Switchfoot. Also, [/QUOTE] yes this smile is fake, but it aint pretty [/QUOTE] it should be *and it aint pretty* & do you plan to keep that as the chorus?
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Old 02-14-2013, 11:08 PM   #3
chud123
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Join Date: May 2010
not sure if its going to be the chorus or not. as for changing "but aint it pretty" to "and it aint pretty" flips the whole dynamic of what im trying to get across i think, i'm trying to say that, at least for me personally, faking emotions and putting up a wall is how i deal with myself in the social strata.

and yea im unsure about the "days smoking weed" im trying to think of better metaphors for i guess laziness and general lack of drive. but also it is the reason as to why im lazy ahah
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Old 02-15-2013, 03:12 PM   #4
madcaleb165
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Quote:
Originally Posted by chud123
not sure if its going to be the chorus or not. as for changing "but aint it pretty" to "and it aint pretty" flips the whole dynamic of what im trying to get across i think, i'm trying to say that, at least for me personally, faking emotions and putting up a wall is how i deal with myself in the social strata.

and yea im unsure about the "days smoking weed" im trying to think of better metaphors for i guess laziness and general lack of drive. but also it is the reason as to why im lazy ahah


I see your point, although the phrase is... awkward, if you know what I mean? Sidenote: "But" contradicts what you say. "And" continues it... If you're stating that when you smile it isn't pretty then... Lol I suppose that's a matter of the person seeing it. At the beginning you make it seem like you want to start a Revolution with yourself, is this against what you want the 'chorus' to portray? Truthfully, the 2 verses beforehand sound as if they might be from a different song than the first. You should take out the chorus (from my point of view) and make it into something like standiing up against your lazy ways, turning away from faking emotion and fitting in with the crowd... Just my opinion though.
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