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Old Today, 09:40 AM   #6881
kikaykitko
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RCA1186
Ok I will try to make this as short as possible. I started seeing this girl that was the ex of my friend. I know its bad, but I really felt a connection with her as she did with me (her and I had also been friends for 2 years while they were dating prior to trying this). We had been going pretty good for two months until recently she told me she just isn't in the right state of mind for a relationship right now. You see, her and I started dating really shortly after she dumped her ex. She never really got much of a chance to get over things. I thought maybe we were just a rebound relationship, but she was committed to me as well as told me at one point she could see herself falling in love with me. She told me that she wants to be with me, just now doesn't feel like the right time. She is talking a bit with her ex again and just feels guilty about all that happened with him being my friend and all. My problem is I really love her. She is the girl I've felt closest to among all the girls I've dated. I loved her more than I can even remember loving my past girlfriend of 4 years. We were just very compatible. I'm having a hard time dealing with this.

Right now, I'm trying to give her her space, let her figure things out in her life and sitting back and hoping maybe one day we can try it again. At the same time I don't plan on completely exiting her life so I'm still on her mind. I figure she will see I respect her decisions and care about what she wants more than what I want and maybe that will sway her to possibly wanting to try again. My question is, is this the right approach? Am I right in my thinking? I know I can't sit around and wait for her to make a decision, but at the same time I don't want to try and move on and then find out later that she want's to date again and I'm unavailable.

Or should I just forget about her completely and move on? I really do feel like I've never loved someone like I do her. Especially after only dating two months (although we had known each other for years) I appreciate the input!

I'm wary of people who can't make up their minds, like her. She started a relationship then changed her mind about being ready for one, and now she's backpedaling and talking to the ex. There should be no guilt if their relationship was over.

I also don't buy into getting the ex's blessing. They ended the relationship, there should be no hold there anymore. But that's me.

I wouldn't make it so obvious that you're holding out for her, if that's what you decide to do. No matter how nice the person is, that kind of pedestal treatment can get to their head pretty fast and before you know, you're strung along without knowing...or worse, willingly. If you feel so strongly about her, tell her. Be upfront about what you want. Don't wait passively. If she's as serious about you as you are about her, you'll both find a compromise.

But I'd also be careful since you've only been together for a couple of months. I'm not sure if most people are like this, but I'm one of those people who really gets hit hard in the beginning, I'm all about the love and all that. It's blinding.
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Old Today, 09:56 AM   #6882
BjarnedeGraaf
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Originally Posted by kikaykitko
I'm wary of people who can't make up their minds, like her. She started a relationship then changed her mind about being ready for one, and now she's backpedaling and talking to the ex. There should be no guilt if their relationship was over.

I also don't buy into getting the ex's blessing. They ended the relationship, there should be no hold there anymore. But that's me.

I wouldn't make it so obvious that you're holding out for her, if that's what you decide to do. No matter how nice the person is, that kind of pedestal treatment can get to their head pretty fast and before you know, you're strung along without knowing...or worse, willingly. If you feel so strongly about her, tell her. Be upfront about what you want. Don't wait passively. If she's as serious about you as you are about her, you'll both find a compromise.

But I'd also be careful since you've only been together for a couple of months. I'm not sure if most people are like this, but I'm one of those people who really gets hit hard in the beginning, I'm all about the love and all that. It's blinding.


I'm not saying you need his blessing. I specificly said to not let what he said BE the decision, I said that it could weigh in with the decision.
By talking about it you make sure that that ex doesn't feel that it's a backstabbing move on his friends part.
In the end friendship is also an important thing, and you should ask yourself if it's worth losing a friendship over some chick you think you like, who is acting the way she is.

Ask yourself this: you break up with your boyfriend, and a month or so later you find out through someone else that 1 of your good female friends are in a relationship with the guy.
Assuming that you are not 100% over the break-up yet, that will probably piss you off.

I'm not saying that having a single talk will solve that issue, but at least then it's out in the open and you can't say it's a backstabbing move.

to me at least, being honest with friends is a big deal. I would be pissed off if someone wouldn't be honest about it towards me. and knowing myself I'd wish them a happy relationship.
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Old Today, 10:14 AM   #6883
RCA1186
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kikaykitko
I'm wary of people who can't make up their minds, like her. She started a relationship then changed her mind about being ready for one, and now she's backpedaling and talking to the ex. There should be no guilt if their relationship was over.

I also don't buy into getting the ex's blessing. They ended the relationship, there should be no hold there anymore. But that's me.

I wouldn't make it so obvious that you're holding out for her, if that's what you decide to do. No matter how nice the person is, that kind of pedestal treatment can get to their head pretty fast and before you know, you're strung along without knowing...or worse, willingly. If you feel so strongly about her, tell her. Be upfront about what you want. Don't wait passively. If she's as serious about you as you are about her, you'll both find a compromise.

But I'd also be careful since you've only been together for a couple of months. I'm not sure if most people are like this, but I'm one of those people who really gets hit hard in the beginning, I'm all about the love and all that. It's blinding.




I think she feels like she really hurt her ex because I think he believes that the whole reason she left him is to be with me (which she repeatedly has said that's not the case, he cheated on her in the past and possibly numerous times to which she tells me was the LEAST of the reasons she left him which I'm not sure what that means). I think she just feels really bad because he has been making the push to be with her again. She had been repeatedly blocking him on text messaging, facebook, etc. I know she still cares for him on some level (and I can understand that because I never FULLY stop having some feeling for an ex, I can't just not care about a person that once meant so much to me) and I think that's why she feels guilty.

I feel like she knows that I love her. I haven't "officially" told her that I am in love with her though. I'm not so sure that now is the time for that. I told her I'd give her time so I don't know if I should just completely go back on that after 2 days and tell her I'm in love with her. I really don't want to give her an ultimatum so to speak because I don't think that's fair.


It seems like her friends and family think that I am good for her and they all keep telling her not to get back together with her ex. That's why I figure I'm not helping any by adding to that. She says she feels like she's going through a "quarter life crisis" right now and just isn't ready to make any permanent decisions. She even cancelled her upcoming tattoo appointment because of "not wanting to make a permanent decision right now" That's why I feel I should leave her be for the moment.

At the same time, yesterday was the first time since we broke up that I didn't speak to her once. I'm not sure if that's how it should be. Should I reach out to her to talk (even if its just small talk/every day conversation) or should I wait and see if she will talk to me?


I know what you're saying about love being blinding at first. But I really don't think I am that type of person. With my last ex of 4 years it took awhile for me to really love her. I don't think I really REALLY knew that I loved her until 7 months in actually. With the latest I feel like I fell in love almost instantly. In previous relationships I felt like I needed space now and then. With her it feels like all I want to do is be near and with her and I'm perfectly happy with anything else. we could be doing anything and as long as I'm with her I'm happy. That's why I'm having such a hard time right now.
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Last edited by RCA1186 : Today at 10:19 AM.
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Old Today, 11:04 AM   #6884
kikaykitko
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RCA1186
I think she feels like she really hurt her ex because I think he believes that the whole reason she left him is to be with me (which she repeatedly has said that's not the case, he cheated on her in the past and possibly numerous times to which she tells me was the LEAST of the reasons she left him which I'm not sure what that means). I think she just feels really bad because he has been making the push to be with her again. She had been repeatedly blocking him on text messaging, facebook, etc. I know she still cares for him on some level (and I can understand that because I never FULLY stop having some feeling for an ex, I can't just not care about a person that once meant so much to me) and I think that's why she feels guilty.

I feel like she knows that I love her. I haven't "officially" told her that I am in love with her though. I'm not so sure that now is the time for that. I told her I'd give her time so I don't know if I should just completely go back on that after 2 days and tell her I'm in love with her. I really don't want to give her an ultimatum so to speak because I don't think that's fair.


It seems like her friends and family think that I am good for her and they all keep telling her not to get back together with her ex. That's why I figure I'm not helping any by adding to that. She says she feels like she's going through a "quarter life crisis" right now and just isn't ready to make any permanent decisions. She even cancelled her upcoming tattoo appointment because of "not wanting to make a permanent decision right now" That's why I feel I should leave her be for the moment.

At the same time, yesterday was the first time since we broke up that I didn't speak to her once. I'm not sure if that's how it should be. Should I reach out to her to talk (even if its just small talk/every day conversation) or should I wait and see if she will talk to me?


I know what you're saying about love being blinding at first. But I really don't think I am that type of person. With my last ex of 4 years it took awhile for me to really love her. I don't think I really REALLY knew that I loved her until 7 months in actually. With the latest I feel like I fell in love almost instantly. In previous relationships I felt like I needed space now and then. With her it feels like all I want to do is be near and with her and I'm perfectly happy with anything else. we could be doing anything and as long as I'm with her I'm happy. That's why I'm having such a hard time right now.


If her ex cheated on her, why exactly does she feel bad about the break up? Obviously breaking up with him was the best choice for her. That's true that you can sometimes still feel something for an ex even after the relationship is over but if she's actively blocked him before and yet goes back to talk to him (this is despite the fact that your friend was not good in the relationship btw), then she may just not be over the relationship or don't want to be over it. You can care about someone without having to be involved with them. And what about you, does she not care about you?

You don't know for sure if she know you're in love with her since you haven't told her how you feel. I don't know when the right time for that would be so that would be I suppose dependent on the both of you.

Also, a tattoo and a relationship are completely different. She has to invest herself in a relationship which isn't just some decision you make, it's a commitment and a responsibility. A tattoo, not so much. Maybe that's what she's not ready for? And it doesn't seem to matter to her what's "best" for her since she's still talking to her ex who cheated on her. Perhaps, what matters really is just what she wants. Not that that's a bad thing either.

I don't know, I'm biased against people who can't make up their minds about exes (because I used to be one and I realized that's just annoying to all parties involved) so I may not be much help. Either way, always look out for yourself first, whatever you decide to do. Make sure YOU come out of this situation whole and happy. Use your head, and make sure that in the end, YOU are happy.
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Old Today, 12:07 PM   #6885
CrazyMatt
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RCA1186
I think she feels like she really hurt her ex because I think he believes that the whole reason she left him is to be with me (which she repeatedly has said that's not the case, he cheated on her in the past and possibly numerous times to which she tells me was the LEAST of the reasons she left him which I'm not sure what that means). I think she just feels really bad because he has been making the push to be with her again. She had been repeatedly blocking him on text messaging, facebook, etc. I know she still cares for him on some level (and I can understand that because I never FULLY stop having some feeling for an ex, I can't just not care about a person that once meant so much to me) and I think that's why she feels guilty.


question: is he the "bad guy" in this? try to be objective here.. but if you know the guy and if you feel like he's just pulling shit to get in her head, maybe you should just tell him to back the **** off? ya know?

i know people often want to deal with stuff like this themselves, and usually i'd never advocate getting involved into someone elses business like that but the problem with these sort of interpersonal dynamics is that the people involved often just lose track of reality.

but take that^ with a grain of salt, I'm just heavily biased against manipulative dudes

Quote:
Originally Posted by RCA1186
I feel like she knows that I love her. I haven't "officially" told her that I am in love with her though. I'm not so sure that now is the time for that. I told her I'd give her time so I don't know if I should just completely go back on that after 2 days and tell her I'm in love with her. I really don't want to give her an ultimatum so to speak because I don't think that's fair.


It seems like her friends and family think that I am good for her and they all keep telling her not to get back together with her ex. That's why I figure I'm not helping any by adding to that. She says she feels like she's going through a "quarter life crisis" right now and just isn't ready to make any permanent decisions. She even cancelled her upcoming tattoo appointment because of "not wanting to make a permanent decision right now" That's why I feel I should leave her be for the moment.



good man, don't put pressure on her! that's very rarely the way to go

Quote:
Originally Posted by RCA1186
At the same time, yesterday was the first time since we broke up that I didn't speak to her once. I'm not sure if that's how it should be. Should I reach out to her to talk (even if its just small talk/every day conversation) or should I wait and see if she will talk to me?


I don't think there's any harm in conversation if you keep it casual
seriously, it's the little things that count in moments like these!
just make her feel like she can depend on you as a friend for now
hypthetically speaking: showing up to fix her bike when she's running late for work says 10000 times more than just insisting that "you're there for her" all the time


Quote:
Originally Posted by RCA1186
I know what you're saying about love being blinding at first. But I really don't think I am that type of person. With my last ex of 4 years it took awhile for me to really love her. I don't think I really REALLY knew that I loved her until 7 months in actually. With the latest I feel like I fell in love almost instantly. In previous relationships I felt like I needed space now and then. With her it feels like all I want to do is be near and with her and I'm perfectly happy with anything else. we could be doing anything and as long as I'm with her I'm happy. That's why I'm having such a hard time right now.


hope it works out for you mate
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Old Today, 06:25 PM   #6886
BjarnedeGraaf
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I don't think there's any harm in conversation if you keep itcasual*
seriously, it's the little things that count in moments like these!
just make her feel like she can depend on you as a friend for now
hypthetically speaking: showing up to fix her bike when she's running late for work says 10000 times more than just insisting that "you're there for her" all the time


It tells her to put him in the "friendzone" too. You don't really want to be the one who is there for her petty issues with an ex she decided to talk to again. That's her problem and she got herself in to it. You want to be the one that has her as a girlfriend, so acting like you are her best friend by hypothetically fixing her bike doesn't seem like the way to go in my opinion

You can be there for her when she wants you to be.
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