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Old 01-15-2013, 06:05 PM   #1
Saparasa
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Society of Deceit

Hi guys, sorry for posting so much on here but I really need help with this poem, I'm not sure whether to scrap it or keep on working on it. There are two different versions, the original- simpler structure, more wordy and coated in adjectives. And the editted which is a bit stripped down. I just can't tell if it's any good, so any constructive advice is appreciated.

Original:
Waking.

Jets spray impurities from bodies in abundance
Tearing away earlier filth just to gather more
Lingering odors of sleaze left on tainted skin
Their stench smeared against all that has been befallen
Stains of rot ooze down innocent cloths, purity stripped

Living.

Convulsions furiously surging out of fans
Seething screams unleashed to unlistening ears
Moulding foul appearances, from disarray
To a regulated disarray of fake attire
Exhibiting fine garments covering falsity

Doubting.

Choke the swelling cancers who ruin the canvas
Until their heads explode and colony retreats
Leaving a mass of tormented disfigurement
Applying a range of acids to slaughter stragglers
Coating them with layers of hyped synthetic mud

Tasting.

Conflicting spines grate against vile decaying bone
Removing the remains of ground, shredded creatures
To the utter dismay of ceramic vessels
Whose creation was intended to devour
The polished defecate diluted in harbors

Seeing.

Departing from disgracefully contrived boxes
To a separated colossal confinement
Where venomous creatures silently hate all your
Perfect skin, silky hair, spotless face, gleaming teeth
As do you theirs. No one knows what's hidden beneath.

Repeat.

Edit:
Blanket opinions with statements of beauty,
waking.

Sleeping.

Waking.

Myriads of jets
spray bodies of impurities
Tearing away filth
regathered by tainted skin
Odors of sleaze,
smear against all encountered
Stains of rot,
oozing down innocent cloths
Purity stripped

Living.

Furious convulsions surging out of fans
Seething screams,
unleashed to unlistening ears
Foul appearances,
molded from disarray,
to regulated disarray,
Exhibits of fine garments
Fake attire covering falsity

Doubting.

Choke the swelling cancers who ruin the canvas
Until their heads explode
and colony retreats
Leaving a mass of tormented disfigurement
So apply a range of acids, slaughtering stragglers
Then coat with layers of synthetic mud

Tasting.

Conflicting spines grate against vile, decaying bone
Removing the remains of ground, shredded creatures
To the utter dismay of ceramic vessels
Whose creation was intended to devour
the polished defecate,
diluted in harbors

Seeing.

Departing from disgracefully contrived boxes
Deep into a colossal confinement of sin,
Where the venomous silently hate your
Perfect skin.
Silky hair.
Spotless faces.
Gleaming teeth.
As you do theirs,
who knows what is hidden beneath?

Sleeping.

Waking.

Sleeping.
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Old 01-16-2013, 05:33 PM   #2
doubtfulsalmon
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Join Date: Jan 2011
i definitely prefer the second edited version of this, it flows better than the first version and feels much more raw.

you've got some good images and like the infrequent use of rhyming. i still feel certain passages could be tidied up, but it might be at the expense of the original feel and meaning, so that's really up to you
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Old 01-20-2013, 07:18 PM   #3
Eccer
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Hi again Saparasa. Don't be sorry and keep your creative flow on going! The more the better As doubtfulsalmon above, I enjoy the edited better than the latter. To say the least.. I'm impressed ^^ Good wording, flow and rhyming. I could almost sing while reading it.

It's often like this, it begins as a story, and once you've understood the spectrum in which your story is set, you can edit it. And create it shorter, more precise, more personal and even more interesting for the reader. But it all depends on what you want us to understand though. I personally felt the shorter was easier to follow. Its a complex piece, so I had to read it quite some times to grasp some of the meaning

Sorry if I am not giving real constructive criticism, as I feel I don't have skills enough yet to comply with necessary help for further development of your writings..
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Old 01-20-2013, 07:39 PM   #4
Saparasa
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Hi guys and thank you for your responses. Weird how I decided to check this just after you'd posted Eccer, thanks for commenting on my stuff so much, you're really helpful I'm glad you're impressed, it feels good to have someone appreciate my work. I've not been writing much this week, had ideas come to me and wrote random lines down but not put anything together, don't feel like I'm ready for something else yet, do you get that? And the meaning behind this is a bit random and I was going for very metaphorical and gruesome ways of describing stuff, I listen to too much Black Dahlia Murder :P Basically, each stanza is describing part of a morning routine which is explained near the end of the poem. So the first stanza is the 'Perfect skin.' bit and is about having a shower, second 'Silky hair.' is drying hair, putting on clothes and makeup etc. I guess it can mean whatever you want it to mean as I'm not even too sure.
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