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Old 01-11-2015, 03:19 PM   #4521
Blackwaterson89
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Originally Posted by faint_spirit
No social life. I'll go out to bars, coffee shops, etc., but always alone. The few people I have met drift away after a week or two.

I think I'm terrible conversation or that no one I meet has much in common with me, so they lose interest. It's exhausting after three years of trying.

I can understand that. Consider the class thing I was telling you about, they will help you find other people with similar interest. For me where I am studying to be a pastor just getting around people with similar goals bring hours of conversation. So pick a hobby you are interesting in and take a class. You are bound to find friends.
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Old 01-30-2015, 07:47 AM   #4522
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I feel like such a loser. It's almost 6 months since my ex and I broke up and the whole thing still bothers me. Like its getting better but I still get sad over the whole thing quite often, like right now, hence me posting here.

The thing is though that I know I'm better off without her. I know the relationship we had wasn't healthy and I know she didn't really respect me much at all.

I think I just miss the idea of what our relationship was when it was good. I miss having someone to be with all the time. I miss having someone to sleep with at night. I miss having someone that I could tell everything to. I miss the feeling of being in a relationship where I honestly thought she was my best friend.

And it makes me sad and kind of angry at the same time that I'm pretty sure she was over me before the relationship even ended and here I am still upset about it.

I feel like I should be over this by now and I feel like such a loser that I'm not. I feel like I shouldn't miss her, but I do, or I at least miss the idea of her. She wasn't faithful, she didn't have any respect for me at all, she just wasn't a good girlfriend, and I know all of that, and that makes me feel even worse about missing her.

I hate emotions.
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Old 01-30-2015, 07:58 AM   #4523
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Don't worry man, you won't feel like this forever, you just need more time. There are people out there that can take years to get over relationships that end on better terms than yours. Just try not to think about it (difficult, I know), eventually you'll only think of the memory every now and then.
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Old 01-30-2015, 09:05 AM   #4524
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Originally Posted by Pastafarian96
Don't worry man, you won't feel like this forever, you just need more time. There are people out there that can take years to get over relationships that end on better terms than yours. Just try not to think about it (difficult, I know), eventually you'll only think of the memory every now and then.



Thanks man, I needed that. But yeah I think I'm just gonna try to distract myself. I'm playing guitar a lot more recently and that helps. And I'm gonna see if any of my friends wanna do something tonight because I know that'll make me feel better.
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Old 01-30-2015, 09:15 AM   #4525
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Thanks man, I needed that. But yeah I think I'm just gonna try to distract myself. I'm playing guitar a lot more recently and that helps. And I'm gonna see if any of my friends wanna do something tonight because I know that'll make me feel better.



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Old 02-09-2015, 08:21 AM   #4526
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I've been doing things I know I shouldn't. I've been hiding my grief since the summer, and I've just had a nightmare that's triggered me. I hate to use that word because it has such a stigma, but I don't know of another word to describe it.

I wished John a good night in a Skype call before I went to bed. I fell asleep within my own dream and awoke at 5am to a phone call of a man's voice saying that they're a paramedic who has just found John to have been involved in a car crash that killed him. Immediately I was taken to some icy woodland road in the middle of the night, with John's body, totally crushed and bloodied, half of his body smashed through the windshield of his car. But then tearfully whispered something I remembered him saying when I tried to hang myself. He just plead. "Dan... Dan... Dan..."

My family whispered the same thing, in the same voice as John's. My dad, my mum, and Charlotte. My friends did the same, as well as even my lecturers at university. They all stood behind me on the icy road, all gaunt-looking and completely emotionless.

Its made me realise that I've never been afraid for anyone more than I'm afraid of John. Without him, everything around me dies with him. My family, my friends, my commitment to a career that I despise. Even my own perception of what is real. I would lose absolutely everything. I have never felt any safer in confiding anything to anyone but him. I don't trust anyone but him in terms of where my life should go and how I should act. I don't trust my parents whatsoever. They're jaded people who make themselves oblivious to manipulating Charlotte and I. To me, my family are just another couple of people to please, instead of love.

And so John is the only person I know I can count on for comfort. I guess if understand what spirituality is correctly, then John is my spirituality. And because of that, losing him is the most devastating thing I could ever imagine happening.

What am I supposed to do?
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Old 02-09-2015, 08:33 AM   #4527
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Holy shit man, sorry about that dream

Who is John, your boyfriend? Child?

I really dont know, but I guess all of us put our entire lives into some one or some thing at a point, to where losing that for yourself is just devastating. Just gotta know that 'the world still exists when your eyes are closed', as in, the world will keep spinning... I guess

Reminds me of that song End of The World by Karen Carpenter. Such a devistatingly beautiful song...
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Old 02-09-2015, 09:30 AM   #4528
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John is my best friend over in MA. He's like a brother to me. He is the most loving and compassionate man I've ever known. The world needs more people like him. I wish I could show you why I say that because he's done such great things for so many people.

I've been repressing my emotions because of my responsibilities taking up my time. Allowing myself to be open to my feelings would debilitate me from my duties and obligations. I just wouldn't be able to get anything done. But the effects of doing that are that the fears and insecurities I have are irreconcilable. And because of that, life has just been a game of self-preservation, devoid of any meaning. I only try and survive because taking my life away would hurt him and my family just as much as it would hurt me. But even then, there's little point of holding that mentality since I'd be dead anyway. I'd be incapable of caring for what anyone thinks. Sounds really selfish, but that's just the reality. I often tell people who are grieving that their misery over their loss isn't something they would've wanted. It is a nice sentiment, but the fact remains that they lack the capacity to actually care about how you think or feel after they die.

I don't really understand how anyone manages to truly appreciate that the world will keep spinning after a loss that catastrophic. I don't actually believe anyone ever does. They just learn a little more about how cruel the world is. They're too irreplaceable for people to truly embrace it. So I'm not sure how people are expected to really 'move on' because that implies that everything will go back to normal. It never does.
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Old 02-09-2015, 09:39 AM   #4529
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I don't think you ever can, really ('truly' go on after such a loss). Things just aren't the same after all of that loss, the second time. Always possibility in holding out for something even better to come along, though.

That's funny though, my best friend's name is Jon and he's living in Puerto Rico now Really is hard to be apart from your closest people.

But I guess its just making an effort to try and trust people and be honest with them on your feels. Not for everyone of course, as there's always those that will take advantage when they get your trust, but there's still some people like that you can find in your life.

Might not be the best to do as much at like a job, I guess, but yeah... gotta make some time for displaying emotion and not just bottle it up. Hard to find and know when to do, but I like to think they're out there
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Old 02-09-2015, 10:12 AM   #4530
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I can't see how there could be another person on this planet that could provide so much joy and has been responsible for so many awe-inspiring stories. I know that sounds like I'm putting him on a pedestal, but I don't know any different. So I find the idea of discovering something that has provided as much meaning as he has difficult to imagine.

I mean for instance, there's this story. I changed names at the time, but you can imagine who Jason and Jody are. http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...&postcount=4410

I would like to trust other people in how I feel, but I've had really bad experiences with people who I should be able to trust, which a lot of people on this thread are already aware of. This is just one example. http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...&postcount=4431

And the tragic thing is that they didn't always used to behave like that.

So since then I've assumed that until proven otherwise, people will take advantage of you and use your weaknesses, (being liable to feel guilty, finding it difficult to make decisions etc.) as ammunition for their self-interests.

I'd like to be able to have a time where I know I can grieve over these problems, but grief is like making love with a gorilla. You don't stop until the gorilla stops.
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Old 02-09-2015, 10:29 AM   #4531
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I read it all. Good stuff, (and yeah, you don't 'choose' your family, but good on you for not buying into all of their BS)

Do you not keep in touch with him every now and then?





It really is probably not healthy living in an always distrusting state of mind (not saying that is 'you' or anything, just speaking in extremes). Its good to be skeptical, but with complete lack of trust, what's the point of *blank*, or anything, really?

I wouldn't say you're putting him on a pedestal. Just REALLY invested in him, and all of the experiences/memories for better and for worse... it all adds up, and I know that feel. Like you'll never have someone understand you as he does, and it just doesn't feel worth it to make an effort to have people better understand you once you've found that at a moment, it can all be 'taken away' from you. And it just feels pointless.


I've been fked over plenty of times in my life, and its definitely given me some trust issues But you know, its kind of like stereotyping: you can't just assume that that's the case and will always be the case, unquestioningly. Because then life will just be a constant hiding of the cards with no real purpose since you can't share it with anyone.

I like the grief analogy a lot. Just to add another for fun, for my case:

grief is like hand sanitizer. You gotta completely wash it off and it feels great to do, but that 0.001% of bacteria that survives will always linger, until they reproduce more and then you have to sanitize again. But even so its not necessary to wash your hands so much, and that 'bacteria' might not even harm you after all. I know that's a goony analogy and nothing that should probably be taken to heart or anything, but idk lol
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Old 02-09-2015, 11:23 AM   #4532
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I talk to John every day whenever possible via Skype. He's also planning to visit me again in the UK this May.

I understand that my paranoia isn't very healthy. I have other friends that I sometimes confide with, but they don't tend to respond in as understanding a manner. Don't get me wrong, they don't respond in a negative way at all, they're just not sure what to tell me. John and my extremely expensive past therapists are the only people I've met that have shown some level of understanding. That and some of the guys here on UG if that counts for anything.

Really I need to know at what point I can trust people with my feelings, but that line is usually very grey area. You usually cannot know whether it was wise to trust a person until its too late to undo the damage. And that metric isn't very helpful.

I sort of knew that John would be at least a somewhat trustworthy individual because I knew him through some other media were he often allowed people time to lend a helping ear. And he did it with an air of sincerity. He would ask people regarding details they gave a few weeks earlier, so it certainly seemed like he was a good listener who actually cared about people.

I wanted to point out my awareness of whether or not I was putting him on a pedestal because you see a lot of people idealising their lovers, when in reality they don't share as strong as a bond as they think they do. I personally didn't think that was the case either, but neither do the people who like to idealise.

There are a lot of people I feel the need to grief over and they've been accumulating over the months and years. If I feel the impulse to let it all go, I don't really know when I'll be able to stop. I need to stop some time because I have work and responsibilities and deadlines to meet, and I cannot be very constructive when I'm grieving. So knowing when I'm able and when I'm not able to is a bit unknowable.
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Old 02-09-2015, 12:53 PM   #4533
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I don't really know... and I don't mean this to criticize you at all or anything, just I think kind of my problem with that is the need to rely on another's ability to help yourself, or looking for ulterior motives in things/skeptical about another's 'genuine-ness' (I've been very guilty of this myself, more than I'd like to admit )


And there's always a way to unload a little out without overbearing the person, or even really sharing too much in the case that it comes back to bite you if the person is distrustful. Like an open honesty even with strangers, or attempting to start un-inhibiting yourself more without caring about trying to please everyone, or whatever (just something I've been personally trying to work on).

I mean shit, probably not the best to take as good advice as I'm dealing with quite some shit too Mainly just trying to find motivation and effort in this point of my life, along with overcoming and patching up a bunch of shit that I should've done a long time ago... (really just unmotivated, under/overwhelming laziness... >_> )



But yeah, grief's good and all that, etc etc
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Old 02-09-2015, 01:12 PM   #4534
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ye. Good luck with the problems you're dealing with. Just because you have your own issues doesn't invalidate anything you've said at all though.

I don't really know how to help myself because everything I've tried hasn't really been very effective. Some of the techniques that therapists use to point out irrational thoughts are also irrational in their own logic. For example, if emotional reasoning is a cognitive distortion, then why is 'fake it till you make it' a technique practiced by therapists?

If feeling that you are a terrible person makes you a terrible person and that such thinking is considered irrational, then why don't therapists bat an eye at the sentiment that if you believe you are confident, you become confident? They both use the same mechanism to work, so what makes them mutually exclusive?
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If you want to follow your gut, you must first acquire a gut.


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Old 02-09-2015, 01:22 PM   #4535
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well, I personally definitely vouch for the 'fake it til you make it' saying, though I don't know any of the psych studies behind it or whatever. If you constantly force yourself to get out of your comfort zone, doing anything really for that matter, you will eventually become a natural.

Like playing guitar and wanting to be really good >>> wanting to learn harder songs >>>>> needing to practice more until you eventually are really good. not really a good example

Like I used to be THE quiet, 'antisocial' kid in highschool classrooms that pretended to sleep in most classes (which teachers didn't have a problem with as I would pass). Eventually I got fed up with it, and in college I'd participate in classroom discussion-based classes to try and get the ball rolling if nobody else spoke, and eventually you lose that anxiety of wanting to speak out/comment/challenge something, and it just feels like its the real you now.

Its definitely corny when people do the fake shit you see in an effort to be 'real' (my biggest problem with Canada's shittiest sensation: the rapper Drake), but eventually it just becomes you ("I'm the man now and up on top cuz I'm rich and people bump my music" or whatever lol)

I don't know anything about that "emotion = cognitive distortion" or whatever though Almost makes it sound too mechanical and labeling, like happiness is a feeling of unease, but is good so we don't 'treat' it (some paraphrase another UGer posted in another thread not too long ago)
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Old 02-09-2015, 02:10 PM   #4536
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'Fake it till you make it' is used in forms of accredited behavioral therapy. Such as CBT and hypnotherapy. I know this because I've been to NHS clinics and private hypnotherapy sessions that use that technique. Its just not named that colloquially.

The way it works makes sense. But if psychologists have this rhetoric that cognitive distortions such as emotional reasoning are irrational and therefore should not be believed, then they're hypocrites. They condescendingly tell me that they know my consciousness better than I do. The irony.

If you want to read up on emotional reasoning, you can look here. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_reasoning

A lot of psychology studies can be made to sound condescending and labelling and that's why people on the internet often pretend to be psychology experts.
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Old 02-09-2015, 02:23 PM   #4537
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nice nice, will look in to

lol@a person thinking they could know you better than yourself. But true, its always good to get an analysis/less 'biased' 2nd opinion I suppose. Psych has been greatly interesting me since ~October-ish, so definitely don't know enough about it, but at the same time yeah, 'expert' is loose term as even the licensed guys might not be up-to-par in research/continuing education/whatever.

Never had an actual therapist though, so yeah, talking a bit out-the-ass . Just something I've noticed at my old internship with having to help a person correct things that another CPA terribly messed up, or whatever
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Old 02-09-2015, 02:39 PM   #4538
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If anyone really calls themselves an expert, even the 'experts' themselves, they're liars. Nobody is an expert.

In terms of what is considered irrational thought patterns, 'cognitive distortions' are a good place to start. In fact there's a detailed book that is primarily aimed for patients, that tries to lower the symptoms of psychotic disorders through educating psychological principles. So if you're keen in learning the fundamentals, this book is excellent. I'll give you a link. It's very cheap to buy.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Feeling-Goo...k/dp/B009UW5X4C

I'm only 2/3 the way through it since its like 700 pages and covers many types of conditions.
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If you want to follow your gut, you must first acquire a gut.


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Old 02-09-2015, 03:05 PM   #4539
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Damn, that's a lot of pages But added to da reading list Just so much stuff I gotta read beforehand, though, for school and others And got this as Jung's philosophy just seems very interesting to me, but studies got me going everywhere at the moment:

http://www.amazon.com/Portable-Jung...+viking+library


They do say a minor in psych is great for accountants though, but thinking I'm gonna be done with school after these 3 last classes Always good to pursue other stuff that interests, though
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Old 02-16-2015, 10:25 AM   #4540
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Oh god i'm ****ing wasted

I don't even understand why. I suffered from onsomnia last night and couldn't sleep until 5am, and when I did managed to sleep, I woke up at half 8, ever an hour late for university, and i feel like my brain has melted. My eyes are constantly burning and are all bloodshot.

I knew and my body knew that I had to be awake for half 7, and I gave myself enough time to rest. But I never got any sleep.

I left uni early because I just cannot concentrate long enough to get any work done.

I am so ****ing frustrated with myself I wouldn't know what commitment was if I was hit by a bus with the word written on it.
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