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Old 08-14-2013, 11:13 PM   #1
ryan.bollinger.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
death is here

Death is here
Don't shed a tear
Why is it that we all fear

For everything's eventual
Death itself, is perpetual

We can never
Live forever
Though we do become more clever

We can never seem to negate
Our only true and ultimate fate
The experience must come to an end
Allowing us to transcend
Into a whole new form of being
Or to restart, from the beginning
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Old 08-15-2013, 12:21 AM   #2
hippieboy444
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I liked what you're trying to express but the rhymes felt too forced and the shortness of the lines in general really made this choppy. the last stanza was definitely the strongest, though the comma between "restart, from the beginning" was annoying. i don't feel the pause there.
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Old 08-15-2013, 06:58 PM   #3
5wFisher
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ryan.bollinger.
Death is here
Don't shed a tear
Why is it that we all fear

this first stanza seems forced

For everything's eventual
Death itself, is perpetual

We can never
Live forever
Though we do become more clever

i thought this added a nice dark touch

We can never seem to negate
Our only true and ultimate fate
The experience must come to an end
Allowing us to transcend
Into a whole new form of being
Or to restart, from the beginning


i agree with the one before me, the comma interrupts the flow

i overall enjoyed it. keep on writing!
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Old 08-16-2013, 06:05 PM   #4
merkalos666
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Location: Wilbraham, Taxachusetts
I love how straightforward this songs lyrics are, the rhymes work even if they do sound rather forced like said above.
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Old 08-19-2013, 05:27 PM   #5
ryan.bollinger.
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I don't understand by what you guys mean by forced o:
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Old 08-19-2013, 11:57 PM   #6
tristanwilsonmi
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By forced they mean it seems as if each line was written to fit into the previous line with a perfect rhyming scheme. If every line fits perfectly with the one before it the songs start to sound a little cheesy haha. Try writing each line flowingly rather than coming up with words that rhyme and then filling in the other words with something that makes sense. I know this from experience, when I first started writing my lines were all written for the sake of rhyming which ended up not sounding too great... But keep at it, you'll improve more the more you write.
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