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Old 10-23-2012, 09:53 PM   #1
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
 
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Wednesday Mayflies

[by request, a new one. I also wrote another one, but that's for the Autumn comp, so I'll save it for that ]

On Wednesdays, backpacks are stuffed
with past times and endearment,
and we escape to sheets that temporarily heal.
There’s nothing lonelier than the absence
of your breath resonating
against these walls with whom we share
semi-silences. Our eyes
are still incomplete maps
and we still shy on when truths slip
from tongues on a quest to find
a new home on unknown birthmarks,
where we’ll shove each other around
inside the same pupa, hoping
we won’t morph to a mayfly.

On Wednesdays, we exchange
our welcome mats with vacant hearts
and give our beds a different scent
on a weak attempt to reach out.
Every time I bite your shoulder,
I scream “save me” between my teeth
and your chill, gradually
getting naked and afraid of my own skin.
The way you almost rip off my shirt
as you pull me closer in your embrace
makes up for every word that gets lost
within your labyrinthine throat.

On Wednesdays, we’re developing wings,
dreading they’ll be our deathbed.
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Old 10-23-2012, 10:04 PM   #2
kdownes
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Yes. This is great. Some of the line breaks around the middle of the first stanza are a little funny, but I think they work like that. New definitely beats old, Andre.
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Old 10-23-2012, 10:09 PM   #3
seventh_angel
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Thanks Kyle. I was on my way to comment on yours, actually
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Old 10-25-2012, 01:00 AM   #4
smartalecG94
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^what downy said. i enjoyed the old stuff but this is the first in a while that ive loved.
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Old 10-26-2012, 06:27 PM   #5
brokencoastline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seventh_angel
and we still shy on when truths slip
from tongues on a quest to find
a new home on unknown birthmarks,


These three lines dragged on to me when I first read this. "Shy on" is sort of an awkward sounding action, in that shying away from something is a quick, brief action and the "on" implies a continuous element. All the uses of "on" here kind of trip over each other. I think the first stanza would benefit if you tried to trim it down some. There's a lot going on in it and the cryptic nature of your language can make it hard to keep track of. The pupa image seems to be the key here, and it's a more lasting image than those before it, which is good.

Otherwise, "between my teeth and your chill" read oddly to me, in that "your chill" feels like it could be reworded for clarity/fluidity. I'm all for abstractions, and you've got some strong ones in here, but I think you should focus on those more and make things a little more concise.
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Old 10-26-2012, 11:18 PM   #6
seventh_angel
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It's precisely because "on" implies a continuous element that I wrote "shy on". But you're right on that repetition of "on"; I hadn't noticed that, but it's hard to change it now. Thanks for your crit brokencoastline. Also thank you Alec, I'm glad you loved this one !
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