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Old 03-12-2008, 10:53 PM   #1
less than that
make the clocks move
 
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For Pornstars

So I'm down at ShopRite
and it happens again.
Always guys coming up to me
hey ain't you that girl from Deepthroat?
always with that dumbass
grin like I'm gonna suck 'em off or something.
All types. A leather briefcase or an untucked shirt
or a backpack.
Two or three times a week now.
And this guy's the worst kind-
the three-toothed slob.
Close enough that I can smell
the garlic on his breath says, let me ask you somethin.
What do you think about
when you're on your knees
waiting for the money shot?

I've been asked this before.
Mickey, my agent with a gold tooth
that shimmers like a star,
says I should answer like this:
Look the camera in the eye,
wet my lips with one long lick,
say I'm thinking- Come on, baby
give it to me I want to taste you"

But this is no interview,
one fan can't hurt sales.

Mack, I say, I think about what people
always think about on their knees-
God, the eternal voyeur!
because, just as I may be one to you,
I need one too. I think of the fans:
a thousand little boys
with their dicks hard in the dark,
men whose wives fuck like blow-up dolls,
guys trying to remember touch.

I think of my father's badge on the table
and of my mother, wonder if there's still
an engine that explodes in their bed.

I look at the camera and think of myself,
my purse on the bathroom floor
ring shining quietly inside.

I love everyone I've ever touched.
I come
Every.
Single.
Time.

And when I finish I see that he's still
sporting that familiar greasy grin.
I feel his gaze after me as I blaze away
sharp and quick as a smack on the ass.



edit: can someone tell me how to make my swears work?
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Last edited by less than that : 04-05-2008 at 05:10 PM.
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Old 03-12-2008, 10:56 PM   #2
punchupatatigge
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And it's best not to think of the it
as a white wave of oppression,
but as a squirtgun filled with frosting.

this should be cut in my opinion
everything else is incredible
thank you for writing this
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Old 03-12-2008, 10:57 PM   #3
death101
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wtf
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Old 03-12-2008, 10:59 PM   #4
less than that
make the clocks move
 
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it's gone. I was tentative on it. thanks.
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Old 03-12-2008, 11:02 PM   #5
ExtremeMetalFTW
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Quote:
Originally Posted by less than that



edit: can someone tell me how to make my swears work?



Highlight one letter click on size then number 2
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Old 03-12-2008, 11:22 PM   #6
Arthur Curry
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"God, the eternal voyeurist!" will stick with me for a long time. this was great, i think you're great.
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Last edited by Arthur Curry : 03-12-2008 at 11:26 PM.
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Old 03-13-2008, 01:41 AM   #7
Snowblind 911
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Wow, this was really, really impressive.

No complaints whatsoever. Such an original idea, and so well executed.

Favourite piece I've read in a long time.
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Old 03-13-2008, 11:54 AM   #8
*Truly Ninja*
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Didn't we have this conversation like a year or two ago?
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Old 03-13-2008, 08:32 PM   #9
less than that
make the clocks move
 
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probably. but I had to write a persona poem and I'd wanted to write this one for a while.

thanks guys.

but do you feel like it's missing something? I can't help but feel that way.
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Old 03-13-2008, 08:44 PM   #10
punchupatatigge
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well just so you know, i really love this poem. i can't think of anything that really needs fixing.

i mean, you could make the 'waiting' in the first stanza 'waitin'.
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Old 03-13-2008, 08:45 PM   #11
#1 synth
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yea, it is missing something and it reads to me that that something is partially in the detached voice in the beggining but... I dont know... i cant actually put my finger on whats off, but theres something that refused to blow me away all the way through (pun).

That said, when I saw just the title (and not your username) I said to myself, I will only read this if its by a select few. Those few were Streetcarp, Punch, corey and a couple others. When I saw your name I had to read it and I wasnt disappointed. Your sentences have such punch behind them its incredible.

Also, I think of your writing whenever I listen to the mountain goats because of your WOTM questionairre a year or two ago, so feel... honored... or something.
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Old 03-13-2008, 09:32 PM   #12
ZanasCross
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Not that my opinion will be held in too high a regard, but...

You're right, there is something missing. What you have is good... but there is something that just doesn't feel right when reading it. I think the thing that threw me off the most was that it took two or three reads to really get ahold of what was going on. I think its a lack of set-up. Usually, I'll read a piece and get the gist of it the first time and then appreciate the subtleties the second and third time, however here... the "storyline" was like that of a porno... undeveloped and generally ****ty just so that we could get to the "juicy" stuff. You have done a great job with what is here, however I can't help but feel that if you had setup everything with a little more of a smooth transition into her "speech" I would have felt better about it. Christ, on my first read, I actually thought the "I" was you the author... and I was like, "to each his own" but on my second read I picked up a little more. It just needs to be developed a little more, but the heavy hitting stuff is good.
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Old 03-14-2008, 04:57 PM   #13
less than that
make the clocks move
 
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I think what you guys are talking about, and what I'm coming to realize is the problem of this piece, is that it's not in the full reality of the character- it's just not IN enough. right? that's how I feel anyway. I'll work on it. thanks a lot for your help guys. I forgot to say it before but if anybody wants me to take a look at theirs I'd be happy to.
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Old 03-14-2008, 07:59 PM   #14
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You're still amazing.

I agree with the problem.
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Old 06-01-2014, 03:15 AM   #15
punchupatatigge
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After six years, this remains one of my favorite poems of all time. UG, you've been lucky to have a writer & poem like this hiding on your board for all of these years.

Never archive this!
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Old 06-01-2014, 05:42 PM   #16
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mikey = legend. always so happy to have read him. and you, hey teg. say hi in community thread/post something.
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Old 06-03-2014, 02:51 AM   #17
culex-knight
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Shit punchup isn't dead...

And Mikey definitely is a legend.
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じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


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Old 06-03-2014, 10:52 AM   #18
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This is awesome!
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