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Old 08-09-2013, 04:45 PM   #1
21wickwing
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Pick Your Cloth

Get the pen on the paper
and let the magic flow.
Don't wait for motivation.
Just grab the oars and row.

Life will never push you
out of the depths of your own sloth.
Your life is yours,
so choose the right cloth.

Your cloth defines who you are
and it defines who you will become.
So choose carefully and choose wisely,
for only you determine the outcome.

Now, you can choose the cloth
where you sit lazily on the couch;
beer in hand, wondering why
nobody likes the local slouch.

Where you blame your outer-workings
for not bringing you fame and riches,
as the top one percent conspires
against all your little niches.

Or you can choose the cloth
where you work hard on your passions.
You forget to eat. You forget to sleep
and you breathe inventive fashions.

Where you fail to recognize
the bona fide status quo.
'Cause your boundaries are set by you
and you force society's to grow.

/edit/
Life will never push you
out of the depths of your own sloth.
Your life is yours,
so choose the right cloth.
/end edit/

Your current cloth is too heavy.
You need to get moving.
Pick a lighter cloth and GO!
Let's start improving.

The work and the effort is totally worth it.
Let's weave a new cloth.
The world isn't waiting. So work hard now!
There's no time for sloth.

Pursue your love, your life's purpose
and shine!
And then, you may become
truly... divine.

Last edited by 21wickwing : 08-10-2013 at 01:37 AM.
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Old 08-09-2013, 06:15 PM   #2
SomeBlueKind
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I was digging the first two stanzas, but after that i kind of trailed off. Sometimes you can easily say too much, which kind of separates you from the reader/listener, not enabling them to draw their own conclusions.

It sounds to me like the second stanza should be your chorus, meaning maybe you should repeat that stanza cause I def feel its the strongest, but maybe put it later in the song. The way i see it, that stanza is kind of like coming back to the root of your song, as in, bringing an instrumental back to the root of the key its in. My two cents.
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Old 08-09-2013, 06:22 PM   #3
21wickwing
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Thank you, I actually did not think of that but that is a pretty good idea. I will take your two cents with much consideration!
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Old 08-09-2013, 06:23 PM   #4
SomeBlueKind
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Also, in the second stanza I'd replace either the 'because' or the 'so' because they seem kind of redundant.
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Old 08-09-2013, 06:24 PM   #5
21wickwing
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good stuff. edited.
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Old 08-09-2013, 06:43 PM   #6
SomeBlueKind
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Cool man. I think you're getting there, but for me, I think you are still trying to say too much. I do dig the power of the cloth metaphor, but you don't need to keep referencing it explicitly, in other stanzas, so often. Keep working on it. Much better than most of what I have seen on here lately.
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Old 08-09-2013, 06:50 PM   #7
5wFisher
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i'm in agreement with the previous critque, try to use a different image other than the cloth. the first four verses i really dug but it became redundant after those four. keep on writing!
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Old 08-09-2013, 08:26 PM   #8
Eccer
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Get the pen on the paper
and let the magic flow.
Don't wait for motivation.
Just grab the oars and go.

Life will never push you
out of the depths of your own sloth.
Your life is yours,
so choose the right cloth.
These lines are inspirational, great start

Your cloth defines who you are
and it defines who you will become.
So choose carefully and choose wisely,
for only you determine the outcome.

This is you again, with that meditative speech. You know what I mean?
It feels right out spoken.


Now, you can choose the cloth
where you sit lazily on the couch;
beer in hand, wondering why
nobody likes the local slouch.

Where you blame your outer-workings
for not bringing you fame and riches,
as the top one percent conspires
against all your little niches.

Or you can choose the cloth
where you work hard on your passions.
You forget to eat. You forget to sleep
and you breathe inventive fashions.

Where you fail to recognize
the bona fide status quo.
'Cause your boundaries are set by you
and you force society's to grow.

You know, repetition can work. And I think you actually managed to make it worthwhile here, and these stanzas gave me a smile on my face. It's one of those typical rants which rings true to many people. I enjoyed these


/edit/
Life will never push you
out of the depths of your own sloth.
Your life is yours,
so choose the right cloth.
/end edit/

Your current cloth is too heavy.
You need to get moving.
Pick a lighter cloth and GO!
Let's start improving.

The work and the effort is totally worth it.
Let's weave a new cloth.
The world isn't waiting. So work hard now!
There's no time for sloth.

Pursue your love, your life's purpose
and shine!
And then, you may become
truly... divine.

Exactly, to the word
And if you where to make a song out of this. Then I think it could actually work out as a nice little comical acoustic thingy.
Otherwise, as a poem, there's perhaps a little overuse of this cloth metaphor. But you managed to pull it of in a nice way you know? As a next step for your evolvement. I would consider pondering on what you just wrote for a while, and cram those ideas as much as possible into one concrete meaning. Even if it becomes a long piece, it will center that idea and make it more focused. That way you can come up with more artistic values, if that's what you want though
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Old 08-09-2013, 09:20 PM   #9
21wickwing
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It is meant as spoken word which is why I haven't changed it too much yet. I deleted one verse that I found pointless upon re-reading. I also brought about the repetition of a verse but other than that, since it is spoken word, I haven't focused too much on artistry and more on speechery (?, don't know a perfect word for that)

Also, I try to create a bit of a story-telling Seussian flow to my poems which is why sometimes I accomplish a meditative speech style

Last edited by 21wickwing : 08-09-2013 at 09:22 PM.
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Old 08-09-2013, 09:33 PM   #10
Eccer
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Exactly, when it comes to inspiration and the way we see other artist do things, we fail to recognize this and how other standards are set. A poem can be many things, but I tried to review this with my point of view. And the way I like doing things, might not reflect well on others, but you choose what I say if its valid or just rambling. I am no expert, just an observer And thanks for the insight!
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Old 08-09-2013, 09:37 PM   #11
21wickwing
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Also, the first verse I wrote to get me started on a poem and initially I was not going to include since it was literally me getting the pen on the paper and going haha. Then I decided it fit well into the poem
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Old 08-10-2013, 12:14 AM   #12
NattyDaddy
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Cool man, I enjoyed. My favorite stanza was the first because it had imagery that so many of us can connect to. Just a small revision but I would personally say grab the oars and row instead if go. I don't mean this as a bad thing, but some of rhymes sound a little on the Dr. Seuss side. Cloth, sloth, couch, slouch are kind of what got me. But for all I know that's what you're going for, and I'm sure it would sound different sang. Good writing though
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Old 08-10-2013, 01:36 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NattyDaddy
I don't mean this as a bad thing, but some of rhymes sound a little on the Dr. Seuss side.



I take that as a good thing. Dr. Seuss is one of my idols! As a matter of fact, I mentioned that I try to embrace a Seussian style in one of my comments on this page! Thank You! Also, I love your revision. Row is so much better than go! Thank You!
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Old 08-10-2013, 02:01 AM   #14
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The entire purpose of this comment is to bring my forum post totals on UG from 666 to 667, successfully avoiding any devilish exploits into my soul tonight. I will not be possessed. Kudos. Also, because I am drunk, I feel the necessity of accomplishing this task, almost as if Satan stands behind me with his soul-eating gun in his hand with his finger on the trigger. He is ready to squeeze in 3,.... 2,......1...........




................
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Old 08-11-2013, 12:42 AM   #15
rushmore
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I can imagine this as spoken word, and it sounds wonderful.
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Old 08-13-2013, 06:45 PM   #16
21wickwing
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Hey guys, I just kicked off my vlog called Poems and Bow Ties with this poem! Thanks for your help on the critiques!

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